Sunday, July 20, 2008

self-image

nasty,

ok, so: i went for a walk with leila and then i had sopme pain and remained sitting on the floor somewhere while she headed home. so, i had opprortunity for some sf - unexpected to myself (becasue while walking, the sf tends to be not clear cut to the point and somehow i wont often stop to take time for in depth sf)

there is this perception i have or need. "to exist for others as something." this "something" is is certainly not random, but, ok - i try again: apparently i see myself existing through others perceptions of me - suddenly this was obvious and also, in relation to this, how i wanted to be seen, what I wanted to mean for others, who i want to be in their world for them (in their perception)

like, a magnificent being, unique, amazing

when i had run away home when 14/15 it was much for me to cope with afterwards. because i had not taken much into consideration, when deciding i wanted to run away home and kill myself. i had to face my family again, they didnt undesrtood this at all and i couldnt explain, it was never talked about either - people just asked me how i was and i'd say "fine", because it was such a sensitive subject. the family was kind of disrubted by this; i think they were horrified in a way that me - gabriel - had done this, wanted this. because in the family i was considered to be such a perceft boy - good grades, talented, admired by my cousins and nieces, as i was the oldest, kind of an example - the first child of the family.

in my perception everyone was disappointed in me

especially my mother she didnt undsertand. when retruning home the day i had run away after being at the police and stuff, my grandfather stood at our door. as we walked up to him my mother burst into tears, i had never seen her so devastated - something inside her dropped, bursted, as if she fell inside herself. when we entered the house i escaped the situation, i went to my room in fear. i didnt know how to handle this at all. i didnt want to hear what they were saying about me, i didnt want to know about their grief.

another tile i was in kortenberg then already for several months, a cousin of my father came to pay us a vist, but he came from abroad and he had not heard about what had happened yet. we were sitting at the table and he asked me: so, how is school? and i panicked, because i couldnt imagine myself openly talking about what i did and why i was not attending school atm. so my father interjected and said he needed to explain something - and i hurried to my room again.

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not absolutely not want to forgive this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be affraid of how everyone will see me now, after i had wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to regret i ran away because of how everyone was affected by this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear they saw me as selfish and spoiled and deranged

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear them seeing me as deranged and crazy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear they will see me as an abomination because of what i did

i forgive msyelf that I hav eallowed msyelf to fear they would be angry atme for doing this

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to think this was utterly selfish and an abominable thing to do

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear facing that i wanted to destroy msyelf and by doing this being ungratefull to them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my family will think the worst of me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to faer my mother will see me as ungratefull and selfish, because i didint consider her

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear they will see me as scum and worthless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be horrified by what i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to escape my family to never have to face them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear everyone will blame me for what i did to my parents - such an ungratefull child

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my mother will see me as a horrible person

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear my father will see me as a horrible person, a selfish asshole and a bastard

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear everyone seeing me as a total coward because i wanted to kill myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my father seeing me as a total coward because i wanted to kill msyelf

see, when i returned home with my father after he had picked me up in brussels where my friends found me, i saw leila first in the hall and she came to me (7 or 8 years old) and sadly asked me: "why did you do this?" (i answered her "i dont know") then we embraced eachother and she cried and me too - she then simply told me father had been sitting at the table crying the entire evening. i had never seen my father shed even one tear, ever.

what killed me was i stood alone in this - me alone - facing EVERYONE. I couldnt escape in a sense but everyone spared me at the same time - nobody discussed anything with me, really, it was all unspoken of, the big taboe. i left all this to my parents to sort out and explain to all - i explained nothing.

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear leile sees me as a selfish coward because i wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear leila will see me as a selfish coward because i wanted to abandon her

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as a selfish coward because i wanted to abandon maite

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to fear my mother seeing me as a selfish coward because i wanted to kill msyelf

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een lafaard ben omdat ik mijn polsen wilde oversnijden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat iedereen mij ziet als een lafaard omdat ik thuois wa weggelopen en zelfmoord wilde plegen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat mama mij ziet als een lafaard omdat ik wilde zelfmoord plegen een einde aan mijn leven maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een lafaard ben omdat ik een einde eraan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten een einde eraan te willen maken en willen ontsnappen en verlost zijn van mijn leven

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij doorheen de ogen van heel mijn familie mijzlef te zien als een lafaard omdat ik er een eide aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zien doorheen de ogen van mijn moeder als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzelf te zien doorheen de ogen van mijn vader als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zijn doorheen de ogen van mijn grootvader als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zien doorheen de ogen van mijn vrienden als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zien doorheen de ogen van maite als een lafaard omdat ik zelfmoord wilde plegen en een egoist omdat ik haar in de steek had willen laten

ik vergeef mezelrf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten over mijzlef to oordelen doorheen de ogen van leila dat ik een lafaard ben omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken en thuis was weggelopen

***

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge myself as weak through the eyes of my mother because i ran away home and wanted to commit suicide

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak becasue i wanted to commit suicide and judged msyelf as weak through the eyes of my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelfto judge msyelf as weak through the eyes of my family an,d my world because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak and see myself as weak through the eyes of the people in my world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as a weak and a loser because i wanted to kill myself and i ran away home

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to through the eyes of my fatehr judge msyelf as a loser - a complete loser and a weakling

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to through the eyes of my sister judge msyelf as weak and a loser

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to throughj the eyes of my grandfather judge msyelf as weak because i ran away home and wanted to commit suicide

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as the weakest of the weakest because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as a weak and a coward

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf through the eyes of my cousins as a faillure and a coward

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i failed

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to give up on msyelf because i perceived i had failed in the eyes of the people in my world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel consumed by this sense of having failed entirely and feel disappointed with msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel disappointed in msyefl because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf, which i judged as a sign of weakness throughthe eyes of others

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to feel ashamed about msyelf because i ran away home and wanted to commit suicide

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel dead ashamed for what i did or what i wanted to do to msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to throw myself away

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to through the eyes of the men of my faimily judge msyelf as weak and a coward because of wht i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as the lowest of the lowest because of what i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to despise msyelf and hate msyelf because i ran away home

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to through my fathers eyes despise msyelf because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyuelf to through the eyes of anthony judge msyelf as weak because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to through Freeks eyes judge msyelf as weak and a coward because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as infinitely weak

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as eternally weak because i ran away home and wanted to end my life

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear being confronted with my family after i ran away, because i feared their judgement - my own judgementhat i was infinitely weak

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak because i was in a psychiatric hospital for nine moths

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as infinitely weak because i couldnt deal with my life

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to want to be seen as strong and courageous by the people in my world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to through others perceptions of me want to expereince msyelf as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyefl to through maite's eyes want to see msyelf as strong and courageous

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to through leilas eyes want to be able to define msyelf as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to separate msyelf from strength and define strenth as a perception - as how people perceive me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define courage as a perception, as how my sisters see me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define strength as hwo i see msyelf through maite's eyes

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need my mom to see me as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to need my father to see me as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to through my fathers eyes see msyelf as strong - in separation with me

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to defien strength as how my mother sees me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien stren,gth as how liesbeth sees me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyefl to define courage as how liesbeth sees me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define strenth and courage through the eyes of my surroundings, my world

i forgive msyelmf that I have allowed msyelf to not see that courage is HERE

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyefl to see that strength exists HERE - as who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyefl to realize strength is here as who i am as the strength of life as life in me

i forgive msyelf that i havent allowed msyelf to live msyelf as strength of life as life in me

i forgive msyelf that I have not allwoed msyelf to recognize strength is actually who i am

i forgive msyelf that I ahve not allowed msyelf to realize me as all as equall as one as me as strength

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to live msyelf as all as equal as one as me as strength

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to live msyefl as all as equal as one as me as courage as the courage to live me

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