Friday, July 18, 2008

fear of losing controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel entirely heavy within

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to feel this is difficult

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to lose patience

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i must do something quick to relieve me from anxiety

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myslef to expereince anxiety before going to work

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear what might happen at work

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future, because tala is comming and father will be home and also a friend invited me for a party

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel helpless within this anxiety

i refuse

i am not this anxiety

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expereince anxiety before going somewhere were i have to meet people

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear wht might happen when i interact with people - that i will be scared and feel insecure

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear insecurities

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to exist in fear of all that can possily happen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fea there will arise conflict when tala is here and it will be horrible

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future will be horrible

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expect the worst

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel inferior to this fear

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think anxiety prepares me and thus helps me in dealing with life and the unknownw

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the unknown because i fear i will not be in controll of the situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear losing controll of the situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will be submerged by horrible expereinces i wont be able to direct

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i cannot direct msyelf at a point in the future

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will not be able to handle future situations

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will be hijacked by events and i will lose all self-direction

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear being overwhelmed whithin situations and expereinces and i wont be able to direct msyelf, but instead become a slave to the situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future as fear of being controlled because of the inability to direct myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyef to think i can controll the future

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to have a HOLD onto the future, by limitting my activities as much as possible to avoid unexpetced events and expereinces

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear bein controlled and directed by my mind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear being controlled by fear

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will die if i cannot direct msyelf if i have no controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that losing controll = death

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear death and believe death means i lose msyelf - instead of seeing: everything is me and there is nothing seperate or more or outside everything - i remain

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be tired of holding onto controll

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i MUST hold on to my illusion of controll so i wont expereince extensive amounts of fear

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe my illusion of controll protecs me from my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I can hide from my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to have it all laid out, so that i can remain within the illusion of controll

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to see that there is and never has been any REAL controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to need a perception of the future where i know i will be fine all the time and in this scenario avoid being confronted with my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expereince the future as something REAL which actually exists and that i have to take into serious account

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed me to see that the idea and perception of the future is nothing but a postponement of all my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to realize and see that in having this perception of the future i actually avoid dealing with the fears - because they are all HERE

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to ponder the future from a perspective of survival

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to worry about my survival

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear at acertain point i might become controlled by events and die

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define freedom as the mind with thoughts and feelings and emotions and memories and that if i die i will 'lose this freedom-expereince' which is actually an illusion

1 comment:

AC said...

cool, thanks for sharing