Wednesday, July 16, 2008

7

ok yesterday i was downloading a vid but maite turned off the computer before it was done, because each user has their own session she had not seen it was processing on the other session

then i i finally am able to upload, but too long yoitube said

then i cut in Two, ok part one was up, now part two

what happens, Maite fokking comes by again, shuts down computer

i cannot deny i am very angry - yesterdya I was too and did sf and appenrtly coiught the point which seems to cause the anger

when i said to her i was processing and she shut comp down, she simpmly replied 'Oh, i didnt know'

in sf i bumped into "using ignorance as an excuse, so as to not take responsibility", and applied this to myself

now, second time, there is anger again..

now i just thought she was freaking STUPID - like how can she be so dumb as to make the same mistake twice? so shortly the one after the other?

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not learnn from my mistakes and when I see or realizae something not place this into immediate and consistent application

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to when sf not place msyelf in consistent application

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to timeloop over and over again because of this

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to timeloop endlessly because of plain stupîdity

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to rather be stupid than apply myself consistently and immediately without any compromise

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to within this process and self forgiveness fool around and sometimes "take a break"

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to be angry at msyelf and hate msyelf because of this

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to write sf from self hate and self anger

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to write from anger and frustration

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to get frustrated within this process with msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to immediately drop my realization because there still seems to be an easy way

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think consistent application is harder than taking a break

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to have a perception that i can take a break from who i am - VERY INTERESTING

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to fear applying msyelf consistently and constantly within every singel breath

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not see the obvious when its in my face

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to be so dumb as to not even see the obvious when it is screaming me in the face

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as dumb and stupid because of this

i forgive msyelf to beat msyelf up in sf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think "fok no i will NOT be gentle with myslef I desreve the HARD treatment"

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i dont deserve gentleness

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to rather be hard on msyelf than to even consider perhaps gentleness

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to allmost kick msyelf with sf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i shpould beat msyelf up because then i will have learned msy lesson, yeah

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to perceive that i can be only HARD with msyelf as if this is all I can EVER be

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to write from anger every time and not from self-love and compassion

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to treat msyelf like a piece of shit, worthless crap

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to be hard on msyelf because i think i deserve this

i forgive mlsyelf that I have allowed msyelf to punnish msyelf because i think that i will learn then, and call msyelf an idiot and stuff

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to play msyelf down

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to hate msyelf because of what i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to hate my own guts because of what i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed mseylf to hate my own guts because of all that i have done

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to hatev msyelf bnecause i never took responsibility for msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be furious at msyelf because i never took responsibility for msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyel to hate msyelf because i never stood up for msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate myself deeply and fiercly because i have never stood up for anything or anyone

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be furious at msyelf because i have nbever done anything to change msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i havev allowed msyelf to hate and resent who i am becvause i have not even tried to make a change

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear making achange and never do anything and use fear and ignorance as fokking excuses

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate msyelf because i didnt want to see and i necver asked a hard question, only easy ones

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to rather have it the easy way than to face msyelf immediately and eternally

i forgive msyelf that I have adopted the idea that when i do soemthing wrong i should punish msyezlf by beating msyelf up about it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to belieev that beating msyelf up actually helps me in any way

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe that i wont make the same mistake twice if i beat msyelf up

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to beat msyelf up because i think that by doing so i wont make the same mistake twice

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear making the same mistake twice because then i will be seen as dumb and so its better to beat msyelf up

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to beat myself up at work when making a mistake, because i thin i ont do it again then

i forgive msyelf thgat I have allowed msyelf to be angry at maite because she expereinced no anger towards herslef when she had screwed up the download

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to use anger to direct me and let me be directed by anger

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed anger to direct me

i forgive msyel that I have allowed msyelf to lose myself within anger and let it become who i am

ok last cigarette, then work

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