Thursday, July 17, 2008

self-disappointment II - SURPRISE

so marlen made this comment on previous post:

"reading here I see that I also was at sometimes experiencing something similar. Let's say that disappointment comes from having certain expectations of wanting to fulfill a desired outcome. Fear of failure, fear of 'not making it' but also the embarrassment that this could create.. well of course I don't understand dutch maybe you dug there, but see what we fear losing is ourselves as the 'ideal' self, the person we wanted to 'become' while achieving a desired outcome. thanks for sha ring"

the ideal self...

im gonna throw some words in here:

flawless

perfect

popular

trustable

someone who inspires confidence

giving the impression that i know what im doing at all times

(deedra said once "fake it till you make it" )--> well, that kinda puts things in the right perspective

i am in control of the situation

like the perfect male, lol

ok im gonna check jack sf on male ego -- brb

or no wait, let me first add this: projecting an image of self-confidence, at ALL TIMES - not showing fear or doubt

ok brb

yep -- http://desteni.co.za/Osho/veno24.htm -- check this out, last paragraphes

riiiiiight

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to want to show to the world that I have confidence at all times, that I am in controll of situations by directing them to have them go my way

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien confidence as the ego of the mind - so that everyone will believe -including msyelf- that i never fear or doubt

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to think i must at all times show self-confidence as an act, by presenting msyelf as full of confidence by allways having the deepest opinion, the last word

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to present msyelf as an image of confidence to hide msyelf behind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as the image others believe me to be

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as allways being in controll of situations to allways want others to follow my idea, because i am a man and i know best

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not want to do this sf and give in to the ressistance i feel because i fear losing this definition

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i must becoma a real man and to become a real man i must show strength confidence and fearlessness, never show any fear or insecurity

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to hide my insecurities behind an image of self-confidence

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I AM this image of self-confidence - its an illusion and a dream

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think self confidence is managing to let others follow my lead

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self confidence a manipulating a situations so that everyone follows my lead or my idea

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want everyone to agree with my perception of things, because i am a man and i know a lot

i forgive msyelf to define confidence as maite and leila following my example - because this means i know what i am doing

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to need others to follow my example so that I would feel i take the lead and thus i have confidence

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf with regards to this, because i could not keep up with this illusion-presentation of msyelf, people saw me fall of my bike for instance

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to present an image of muself as fearless and full of confidence so that people would not dare to attack me in any way

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in myself because I was dead scared because i was chased by guys in a car, and i 'ran for my life' - which is a disgrace to my ego-definition

i forgive myself that I have alowed msyelf to project an armour of confidence and allknowingness of msyelf - so that people would respect me and have trust in me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf because this car came driving by me as i was running my ass of and i judged msyelf as a chicken

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to exart my anger towards Kenny - to infront of his friend prove msyelf and show him he cannot mess with me, by pushing him againts a wal brutally and unexpectedly

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to provoce kenny and teach him a lesson, because he called me a girl when i was walking the streets

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel bruised in my ego because he called me a girl on the streets everytime he saw me and i didnt dare to say anything back, because i was affraid to receive a beating from him or his many friends

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self-confidence as walking in the city with a 'beautifull girl' by my side, so that all the men may feel less than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as being seen with a 'beutifull girl' by my side so that all the men may feel less than me and inferior to me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien confidence as having agril by my side and walking the streets with her, and being noticed by many men

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define confidence as L asking me to take her hand so the guys would not bother her as we entered a street late at night

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as H putting her arm in mine while we walk the campus of university, so that all the men that see us would feel inferior and less than me

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define confidence as wearing a t shirt loosely without putting it under the belt of my pants (hemd in broek steken)

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define confidence as having long hair as a man and a beard too

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyemlf to defien confidence as wearing my trousers a bit lower than normal trousers, like skaters

i forgive ùmsyelf that i have allowed msyelf to defien confidence as ok i continue in dutch...

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