Saturday, July 5, 2008

sf and a dream

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think "what does it matter?"

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to hold on to my habits and think "what does it matter?"

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be completely bored and from being so bored seeking for distraction

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel completely bored at work and start looking at girls breasts just to "feel something"

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelt o feels disempowered

I forgive ùmsyelf that i have allowed msyefl to think i am disempowered

I forgive msuemlf that I have allowed mseyfmlt o become diempowered through pereception and belief

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to expereince my body as nothing but a burden in this process, because all i expereince within and as it is pain in my intestins

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to resent life and this world and all people

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to resent human beings

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become hatefull when seeing a parent screaming at their child or talking to them in a nasty way

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to just look away cowardly when this little girl looked at me in tears, because her father was blocking her in her babyseat with his arm and she couldnt get out

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyel to feel nothing but anger, hate and fear in moments like this when being confronted with a parents abuse towards their children

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to wish i was all powerfull so that I could kill all these parents at once

I forgiev msyelf that I have allowe msyelf to hate parents and believe I would have had a better life without my parents

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyeflt o see my parents as not a part of me as seperate from me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to supress my deep hate

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think this world may go to hell i dont give a FUCK

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel contaminated by this world

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be convinced that 'my parents are/were the problem' in my life

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think I am whining because i am writing about my paretns again

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyeflt o become programed into obliovion by my parents

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyeflt o think that suffering exists because that is the way things are and it is normal to hear chilren cry everyday

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to feel powerless when Hearing a child cry

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyef to think i must do i must act now, when hearing a child cry

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyeflt o think I must phisically attack the parents of the children

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to have an idea and perception of what it is to stand up: to use phisical violence

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define courage as daring to use physical violence in public againts someone who is 'unjust'

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efien courage as using physical violence against someone who abuses another

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelft od efine courage as screaming someone in the face and letting my anger taking controll of me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to see no solution but physical violence to stop this world

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think nothing can stop my father but a person who is more strong than him, and in this oly seeing violence as a solution

I forgiev msyelf that i have allwoed msyeflt o think violence can be stopped through violence

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelft o become all weird when being confronted to violence - to ot want to see and hide, because it is too much for me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i should controll myslef when in fact i want to cry

I forgive msyelf to think "what can I do about this, I am not strong enough' - therefore thinking it is impossible and give up

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelft o take all sorts of stuff in consideration while it was only about this girl crying and her father blocker her movement

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to see my father as the bad guy and as evil

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to exist in anger and fear towrds him and see him as evil and sick

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to think i cannot handle pain

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to not even see it wasnt about the pain but about the fear to die

once when little I had a dream after seeing "the goonies": I was upstairs with my family and downstairs there were two creatures fighting in the livingroom. They were there fighting eachother na dthey looked like the creature from the goonies, with slight deformed heads and faces. also, this was weird they were both wearing long capes - like people from monastarys, or like Obywan kenobi from starwars, when he was walking th desert. Then when I came down the stairs I saw they suddenly had frozen: the 2 creatures stood there as 2 statutes facing eachother, and this makes me think Of Kabouter david and the Trolls: in this tekenfilm the trolls will petrify when the sunlight touches them. Anyway, In the dream it seems I understood what had happened and I approached on eof the 2 beings, why? I dont know, because they were really scary looking and much bigger than me! Then suddenly the creature gets hold of my neck with his two bare hands and starts to swing me around the room. He is strangling me and at the same time my feet are flying in the air. Strangely enough the other creature had not started to move again, only the white one, beause there was a lightskinned one and a darkskinned one - it was the lightskinned one i had approached. The fear i expereinced when in one moment I realized the creature was still aware and alive and able to move - why did i not saw that comming? This puzzles me: why was i so confident that nothing would happen? in the film I had seen that eveining the creature was aligned with the goonies and he belonged to the good ones.

we heared the fight and stuff and we came down and they stood still all of a sudden: it was unreal. I dont remember who I was with but I was not alone, and also: i was the only one and first one to feel driven to approach the being, the others stood somewhat behind me. Ah, I felt confident why? because this was happenng in our house. So the real deception was: the apPARENT cozyness and comfort and security of living in this house with my parents.

1 comment:

marlenlife said...

I've realized that even though I get 'rid of' relationships with men and 'friends' and what not, the thing that is actually holding me back the most is this: living in parent's home, having their support all the time. So that's when I realize how used to comfort I am and how I haven't done anything about it.

The same 'rage and anger' I experienced with something similar about a boy being maltreated by his mother while her trying to sit him in the bus' seat. I think I even told you that once, don't remember... thanks for sharing. Yes, it's all about us.