Friday, September 26, 2008

WTF

im weird

like confused about all the stuff i heard about sa

many shit going on with people - im also angry a bit because it seems some people have flatly deceived themselves

like what the fok have they been doing?

also im like the only one holding back with my father atm - i have fuck all to say to my mother

she is just messing around deceiving everyone doing self forgiveness

i have still pains going on in my intestins

people go - oh why should i even stop my mind?

wtf is even wrong with it?

people speak fokking cheap and easy words - real hero's but doing NOTHING

oh my little world !

oh i will lose thius or this ! - oh someone got angry with me- i cannot take it - oh let me sit here in self pitty in my PIT of PITTY where i spit on myself

i rather NOT exist than have a glimse of what it is to LIVE - I rather smile than cry the dirt out of my SElf - i rather look ok than to break down and others see i AM NOT EVEN REAL

what will it TAKE ? - what will it take for all to see you are NOT REAL ? WILL YOU WAIT UNTILL YOU ARE FOKKING DEAD? WILL YOU STAND UP IN THE DIMENSIONS ? OH I RATHER DO FOKKING NOTHING AND JUST FOKKING OBSERVE !!!!!!

WHAT A FOKKING DISGRACE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to all those who dont even bother - FOK YOU - GO MASTURBATE IN YOUR DREAMWORLD

Friday, September 19, 2008

conscioussness

ok im pissed?

why?

too much thoughts driving me UP THE WALL

this moring too many shit came up and i could deal with it, but now i feel like shit

secrets is one point - i dont want to let go of secrets, fokking bastard

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to hide stuff from people

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel guilty over having secrets

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to not trust myself and judge myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to rather keep some stuff to myself and handle it off secretly because i fear what others might think

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist in a public way and a secret way

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to participate in secrets as secret thoughts and desires

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear people seeing my shit going on for real

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be ashamed of my blog and what i wrote on it because of what people may see me for

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to constantly compare to others - wondering if im not behind or somethging in process, wondering if i didnt miss a transcendence somewhere that makes me less than this person

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel restrained within msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to supress msyelf for the sake of others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as doing the same as others - going along with the fokking crowd - so they wouldnt feel weird about what they're doing

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to compromise in the presense of my mother because of fear of hurting her feelings

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take crap from my mother and define this being as my mother who i owe respect

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take crap from my fathr because he is my father and i therefore owe him repsect

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as hiding myself - what i see in others as what they're actually doing - and remain silent about it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as letting things pass to not hurt people's feelings

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to never trust myself and respect msyelf as all life equally - all equall and no exceptions

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to want to be the exception

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need to be diffrerent

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel i can keep bullshitting myself without consequence

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel unsecure

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel totally insecure about writing sf on this blog right here

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to feel stupid

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as stupid

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to present myself as stable as a presentation - not real so therefore it has to go bye bye

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to have interests for me my selfish alone

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think that who i am is the secrets i keep and consist off

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to consist of secrets

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to keep stuff hidden to others as msyelf out of shame and embarrassement

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let msyelf be tricked by secrets

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to present msyelf in a way to others - so if they believe this presentation - i can become it !

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not evens ee this presentation is an illusion

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to feel scared because i quit smoking and now all seems to come up

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear i cannot handle msyelf

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be angry at myself and blaming myself for being 'too slow' and not 'fast enough' and not 'effective enough'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think i must 'improve'

i forgive msyelf that i hav e allowed msyelf to believe in improvement

i forgive msyelf that i hav eallowed myself to hate to let go

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to rather cling on to my deceptions than give them up because 'ive never been there'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not trust msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need another to let go of everything first, before i will consider or try to do the same

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to wait for others to transcend the illusion so that i can see 'if its safe'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not trust myself as what is here and fear msyelf because i dont know myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to love some people and hate others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to admire some people and despise others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to like some people and dislike others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to find some people amusing and enteratining and others not

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to find some people interesting and others boring

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to find some people beautifull and others ugly

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to build msyelf an apparent foundation of stability and now im fokked

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think im fokked

i forgive msyelf that i hav e allowed msyelf to feel this process is going nowhere because it seems to only get harder and harder

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to for one second believe this process is easy - a piece of cake - and then manifest the opposite

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to have a perception that i'm doing great at process

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not really and actually consider all as equall as one - but only play games

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to never consider all as equall - but rather take thsi reality for granted, as how i have known it

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take murder for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take rape for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take education for granted

i forgive myself that i have a llowed msyelf to take schools for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take governemnts for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take enslavement for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take suffering for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take secrets and hidden stuff dor granted

i forgive myself that i hav eallowed msyelf to take hiding out of fear for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to take asking persmission for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to take the law for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take my thoughts for granted - to take consiousness itself for granted

i forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to judge consciousness as bad or evil or wicked

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate myself from consciousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear standing one and equall with and as consiousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to blame everything on consciousness and still take no responsiblity - there is no half way

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not even realize consciousness is my very allowed nature as what i have allowed - me myself - to become

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be saddned by this, because i thought i was 'moving away from' consciousness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to place all my nastyness in consiousness - as seperate from myself

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to realize and acknowledeg i have only existed as conscioussness and nothing else - making msyelf believe through perceptions that i stand close to life

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not accept conscioussness as msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyefl to realize consciousness IS self

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate myself from consciousness beacsue i fear my own demonic nature

i forgive myself that i have not allowed msyelf to see this reality is manifested consciousness and life does not exist - i am no exception - this is one and equall for all

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to want to be the exception or better than consciousness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as more than consciousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as supereior to consciousness and systems

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i am more than constructs and systems - this IS a system/construct

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel im better than consciousness because i apply self forgiveness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to be acknolegded becasue of this realization - as knowledge

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to want to be Ak-no-leg-ed before i have even lived my realisations as one with msyelf a who i am and proven to myself that i stand as what i speak

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from enslavement and think that i am apparently better than enslavement

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from abuse and think i am better than abuse

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from rape and think i am better than rape

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from death and think im better and more than death

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from famine and hunger and believe i am more than hunger

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from belief and religion and think im more and better than it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from starvation and think this will never happen to me because i am simply more and better than starvation

kk

Saturday, September 6, 2008

friendly people - yay

hi

about friendlyness and friendly people

my boss gave me a call at home to ask me if he could switch around some hours and because he sounded calm and friendly i said 'sure' but i found out now i have to work 10 hours on monday - which is long, he told me from this time to this time, but i was like whatever and didnt really hear that part clearly and i didnt expect he would give me 10 hours so i didnt ask - busted

this is prominent at work - dealing with peoples friendlyness, i was alreasy seeing the dishonesty and something is majorly off the hook with friendlyness, - so i can thank my boss for making me see the point

friendlyness = manipulation

im done being friendly