Thursday, October 23, 2008

how i allowed money to influence and control me

how i compromised myself with regards to money

i allways have been telling a story about why i stopped drawing and how i would then start witing - having still many idea's about this

but what i could see yesterday, is that it was because of money

i was in fear that if i wasn't good enough, i would never be able to make money out of my drawings

i seemed to believe and take for granted that with my drawings i could make a lot of money, but in order for this to be true i believed i had to be the best - what happened is i met people in my life that proved to me that i wasnt the best, far from it - i started seeing myself as an averge drawer amongst the real talents, and they had it all together: obviously those guys would make money

so when people would start critisizing my drawings (not iteresting/original enough), it wasnt merely a blow to my ego, but also it destroyed my wish an hope that i woud be ale to make money out of my drawings - so i develloped an anger towards art, seeing it as worthless and totally useless

what motivated me to start and continue writing, was people giving me much credit for te stories i wrote - i was at the time reading the one book after the other from a belgian/flemish writer (herman brusselmans), who basically lived from writing his books and would in his autobiographical novels describe his lifestyle, which stirred my imagination tremedously. i wanted the same thing: writing to make money and not needing to have a job, apart from the writing, to sustain me.

so what needed to happen was: one summer i had spend all my days in writing a novel - it wasnt my first 'attempt', but this time i had the entire storyline figured out and i only needed to actually write it - and i already had received 'positive support'on this particular 'novel to be' which hade made me totally believe this time it would be it. this time i would actually publish a book and i would get famous enough to make me money. so what happened was at one point i send the novel to two people (not finished yet) - different people than those who had given me the 'good support' - and they both reacted in disappointment. i felt torn in the core of my being and i abandoned the project. my hope was now defintely dead - i disnt see 'a way out' for a while, as in: how will i now SURVIVE in this world - i resented work, so for me to have to actually take a job was worse than death.

so neither the drawing nor the writing i did for me, so it was interesting that the few tims i actually wrote something cool, it had been from a more innocent (with regards to the money desire) startingpoint, for instance in an email to someone, with not even the intention of keeping or saving what i wrote - interstingly enough i could not repeat this, because of the compromise in my startingpoint: the desire to eventually make money out of everything i wrote

so the soil from which i was attempting to create, was fear - fear that one day i would have no money

Monday, October 6, 2008

SELF Forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define ‘self’ as the individual self

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this world as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this reality as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this entire physically manifested earth as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this entire consciousness existence as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define humanity as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not see that self is ALL as ONE as EQUALL as what is and exist HERE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and understand that HERE is Self as ALL as EQUALL as ONE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think this world is greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the world as separate from me and see it as greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the universe as separate from me and see it as greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as separate and powerless and lost as ‘ a part of existance’

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize there ARE NO PARTS OF EXISTANCE and ALL IS EQUALL AS ONE HERE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe separation is REAL

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to remain separate but thjis is impossible and purte denial as I am ALREADY HERE as all as equall as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize separation does not exist

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize individuals don’t exist

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to LIVE myself as my own principle as LIFE as who I am as ALL as EQUALL as one as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I can stop existing

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to never realize I who I am can NEVER stop existing

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that all is ME

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up as all as equall as one

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see standing up as me – as the separate individual standing up within the multidude of existence

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe differences exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think appearances exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think the mind exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think multitude exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think diversity exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself §to believe competition exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that power exist as a fragment of this reality

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think different realities exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that fragmentation exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that parts exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe power can be experienced within this reality

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that power is when ALL is LIVED as ONE and EQUALL as ONE – as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that power is when ALL stand and LIVE as ALL as EQUALL as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see the mind is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the unified field is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize separation is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that perceptions are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that personality is totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that thoughts are totally asurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ‘living your own life as an individual’ is a lie and totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to bullshit myself and to actually buy into the illusions of the mind that only knows of fear and fear and fear and self preservation

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see the ESSENCE is ALL as EQUALL as ONE as LIVED as ONE as all as EQUALL HERE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that mysery is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that if all IS one as equall than hiding is absurd – because who am I even hiding from ?

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to make a picture in my mind of oneness and equality – not realizing that ALL is HERE as ALL as EQUALL as HERE as everything that IS

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ONLY all as equall as ONE is REAL

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that fear is totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that anxiety isd totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed msyelmf to realize that desires are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that memories are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that SURVIVING is TOTALLY ABSURD

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that definitions are fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that believing in god is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that HOPING is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that identities are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that who I have perceived myself to be as ‘apart and an element of this world is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that what I thought myself to be is as absurd as absurd can be

I forgive myself that I have never – ever allowed myself to for a moment even see that anger is – wow – totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize that relationships are totally absurd and a totall fuck up

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that ‘being lost’ is totally absurd and cannot possibly be real