Thursday, October 23, 2008

how i allowed money to influence and control me

how i compromised myself with regards to money

i allways have been telling a story about why i stopped drawing and how i would then start witing - having still many idea's about this

but what i could see yesterday, is that it was because of money

i was in fear that if i wasn't good enough, i would never be able to make money out of my drawings

i seemed to believe and take for granted that with my drawings i could make a lot of money, but in order for this to be true i believed i had to be the best - what happened is i met people in my life that proved to me that i wasnt the best, far from it - i started seeing myself as an averge drawer amongst the real talents, and they had it all together: obviously those guys would make money

so when people would start critisizing my drawings (not iteresting/original enough), it wasnt merely a blow to my ego, but also it destroyed my wish an hope that i woud be ale to make money out of my drawings - so i develloped an anger towards art, seeing it as worthless and totally useless

what motivated me to start and continue writing, was people giving me much credit for te stories i wrote - i was at the time reading the one book after the other from a belgian/flemish writer (herman brusselmans), who basically lived from writing his books and would in his autobiographical novels describe his lifestyle, which stirred my imagination tremedously. i wanted the same thing: writing to make money and not needing to have a job, apart from the writing, to sustain me.

so what needed to happen was: one summer i had spend all my days in writing a novel - it wasnt my first 'attempt', but this time i had the entire storyline figured out and i only needed to actually write it - and i already had received 'positive support'on this particular 'novel to be' which hade made me totally believe this time it would be it. this time i would actually publish a book and i would get famous enough to make me money. so what happened was at one point i send the novel to two people (not finished yet) - different people than those who had given me the 'good support' - and they both reacted in disappointment. i felt torn in the core of my being and i abandoned the project. my hope was now defintely dead - i disnt see 'a way out' for a while, as in: how will i now SURVIVE in this world - i resented work, so for me to have to actually take a job was worse than death.

so neither the drawing nor the writing i did for me, so it was interesting that the few tims i actually wrote something cool, it had been from a more innocent (with regards to the money desire) startingpoint, for instance in an email to someone, with not even the intention of keeping or saving what i wrote - interstingly enough i could not repeat this, because of the compromise in my startingpoint: the desire to eventually make money out of everything i wrote

so the soil from which i was attempting to create, was fear - fear that one day i would have no money

1 comment:

James said...

I only just discovered you and your Mind Robot page......I am ten years older than you...and up until two years ago....I struggled with writing....I was convinced there was nothing else to do than to write....growing up over the years earlier I had a passion for animation....both drawing and stopmotion....and also passion to compose music mostly on piano and also guitar....but just like you the people around me never gave me that necessary recognition and approval....especially immidiate family and friends....and the whole internet community were passive or blind to me and my personal crusade to find meaning in my life.....I constantly doubted myself....prone to being mentally inactive...seeking constant instant gratification in everything from food, to t.v., to masturbation....lets be honest it's hard to focus your mind, to put your mind to work for you, especially when it's so much easier to be disstracted by what's going on around you, or on the box, or the net.....or whatever....we are up against our constant need for comfort....so being an artist, or writer or whatever isn't easy...and the last place your going to find a constant supply of recognition or any form of motivation to engage in the process of being creative, is from others right....I know the struggle well....
I also related to what you said about writing emails...and how that you did your best then at those times....I too found that by writing to someone through email I would find myself, that I would be more productive....I put it down to the fact that my writing was better because I knew the person I was writing to cared for what I said....that's what was missing all along....probably the same for you....it sounds to me that you are a very sensitive young man....with a deep probing mind, you genuinely need/want to know more...and your probably not that self-motivated....so sitting down everyday on your own in an empty room indoors isn't really going to bring out the best in you to write.....if you know the person your writing to really cares for your words, your thoughts, your ideas, then your half way there, you have a sense of audience.....I learned that the biggest thing that will stop anyone becoming a serious writer is whether or not you can control your emotions....Discipline that's what they call it right....old school refered to it as having discipline.....basically the ability and will to self-restrain yourself...I don't want to get all formulaic about it....as if to say that what works for me will work for you....bottom line you are going to have to work out what best works for you....I read Hemmingway about a year ago...his thoughts on writing....and that man grinded his brain down every single day....there was no easy way for him to write...and he believed that you have to struggle with it, even suffer from it...I think the common link with Hemmingway and for all of us is that we need to purge...we need a common ground to spill our guts...writers do it with words....so if you spend enough time and space with yourself spilling guts, by writing words or whatever other process works for you....you will feel purged...which is what Hemmingway, orwell, and no doubt most of the great and not so great writers done....and what you can do, your probably already doing it....I know that if your mind is active, I mean socially active, and it obviously is, because your engaging with technology, on here with people, with yourself through words, through thoughts etc...then you are living in reality...and will get some satisfaction through purging yourself though words....interms of making money or earning a living, getting fame or recognition there are no guarantee's right.....depends on so many things.....I haven't got all the answers for you, no one does...but I think I may be on common ground here with you....I think there's a sense of commonality here between us....I am aware of the complexities of the human condition...the division, the distance, the struggle for meaning...for purpose...the contradictions....the mess of it all.....and how we attempt to order it....how everything seems open to interpretation.....and everything else that I fail to mention.....it's all so over our heads isn't it.....it's all just too much, too big, too much of a puzzle to solve....which is why I always seem to revert back to art.....to expressing something inside a time or space frame....I think you would be better off channelling your energies through anything creative....I wouldn't let other people and their impressions or even depressions determine your self-worth or value....people make value judgements all the time we don't realise sometimes the influences and controls at work around us...usually through people reacting or responding to us.....or even our own expectations imposing on us.....self is always the biggest and worst critic.....you are your own worst enemy as they say.....so all I'm saying is whether you write or draw, paint, or sculpt, or make music or films, or any other form of self-expression remember if your doing it for others you are setting yourself up against a turning tide....a source of fickleness, put simply, a source of conflict...I find it hard enough to deal with my own inner conflicts, but being an artist or writer in social commercial terms boy that's a headache and a bum ache...you'll feel head fucked and bum fucked by the world....rejection is hard....but perhaps it's necessary to shape you, for you to build a tolerance against it...you have to learn to survive it and turn it against them....orwell said that you need balls of iron to be a writer....Stephen King says you have to be drunk....I would say you have to hide from the masses and choose a few to be close to you on your journey....you only need one or two people...but they have to be the right kind of people for you, to build you, to support you on your struggle for meaning and purpose and you have to do the hardest part....learn to control your emotions....they are the hardest thing to control....16Cent. Queen Elizabeth on her death bed said the heart is the hardest of them all to rule.....there's plenty of quotes, sayings, books, films, whatever that help to reinforce what we mostly already know right.....you will find the answers to your questions, the solutions to your problems in time friend....I spent 10 years, and it's only recently I have found some degree or level of truth that works for me....Language is my strength...I feel....so when I write like this I'm intouch with myself...with what I know....hopefully you will be intouch with what I wrote.....