a point emerged related to drawing - i went to see a horse program on tv and a sudden fear crept on me - when a man was commenting on one of the horse boys: "he's not doing his best, he knows he must progress now but he doesn't" - first i related this fear to perhaps me not directing myself in this very situation i was in, but then i realised this was not so and it has to do with the drawing point.
i said to my mom: this makes me think about how i would draw horses. And she said: 'yes, salvator (an uncle) showed/thaught you how to draw a horse and then you just kept drawing horses.' this was a strange revelation, i had forgotten about: to me the drawing had begun because i thought of animals as beautifull. So within my mother saying this, stuff came up of how i actually indeed only copied animals from books, not really drawing from what i could see with my eyes 'in the world'. I remember having a slight aversion when initially having to draw 3D stuff - this was quite prominent - i just wasn't interested in how 3D looked like.
There seems to have been a break from where i would only and purely copy images from books - nothing else, i didn't even consider to go draw 'somehting of the world'- at art school this point was 'challenged' and critisized: "thats not expression, (copying) - you must draw 'real things in the wordl', that is 'real drawing' - otherwise you are not real."
im wondering - did i stop to enjoy drawing because of how i was told to draw ? - i remember being so bored at the weekend art-classes because to me that was not drawing how i enjoyed it and to me it was bullshit really - so i would participate an hour and the rest of the day i'd be doing nothing, because i simply didn't enjoy doing what the others were doing, how they defined 'creativity' - apparently i was not creative - and the whole endeavour and my life related to art continued in this same frustration, because i didn't see myself as creative, but 'merely copying' - and feeling i was not making any progress
this being another point where i wasn't interested in physical reality - even when i'd go to the zoo or see 'real animals' i would not be 'impressed' or affected to the extend where i would see a picture and immediately wanting to copy the image because of how awesome the form was. To me physiacl reality was formless - it wasn't made to be drawn. Id see phisical reality as 'less' than the pictures i saw - seeing the pictures as the actual cool thing, my first point of interest.
basically what i expereinced with masturbation is pretty similar - enjoying the pictures but being unable to enjoy and actual physical body at all.
the pictures were the real form - while the physical was merly a shadow of that - this reminds me of when i actually once got aroused by seeing a woman (on no other occasion did this happen) - i was working in Ikea and this tall lady walked in wearing a red dress, long hair, high heels if i remember well ( not sure ) - but basicaly the incarnated woman in red from the matrix, to the point where i couldn't believe this being i saw with my eyes actually existed and was walking there right in front of me. She was like a 'picture made alive'. On no other occasion did i ever expereince this with seeing a woman - it was allmost 'too much' for my system.