Thursday, December 30, 2010

Wrong answer!

So a couple of weeks ago I was attending the last class this semester for the course 'European law' which is quite an interesting subject and I am glad that I am able to once a week attend this particular class - because I can manage to get there on tuesday evenings right after work.

The point of my clothing would play out here as well - since i would enter the room and in my perception draw some attention due to how I was clothed (suit and tie), which I wondered if they might believe that I am wearing this to please the professor - while for me this was more a point of differentiating msyelf from the students and demonstrate that I am working and generating a stable income and thus that i am superior to everyone in the room - even to the professor because I manage to attend his class after a whole journey of work.

So - quite a fuck up right there.

That in itself was also enrgetically connected, because there was a girl always at the front rows as well whom I would be looking out for because I spoke to her once and because on some occasions I had imagined that she fancied me due to my clothes and my shaved head etc... I was obviously aware of this point, though i had not written this out effectively, which caused me to cycle within this experience.

thus I write specifically from the startingpoint of clearing myself from energetic possessions by calling a spade a spade; and stopping the enslavement towards the energy.

I had a significant reaction the last lesson I attended: the professor was giving examples of questions that had been used in last years exam and everyone was busy taking notes. He would ask the audience what the answer was to this or that particular question and ask fot a raise of hands, as these were simple yes/no questions. At one point he asked a question and I ostensively nodded with my head to make sure everyone would see that I thought the answer to this question was 'yes' - while he then revealed the actual answer was no - lol. I had an actual shame/embarrasment reaction towards this, which is quite interesting because i had not been in such a situation since my time at university 3 years ago.

This is interesting in itself since i am currently busy with an SRA assignment where we are taking apart a mind construct that heavily revolves around 'being seen as intelligent'/'having the right answer' and 'fear of giving the wrong answer'.

I am still in the process of taking that apart - so what I can say thus far: in this context my reaction was actual fear of being seen as stupid - which immediately revealed the extend to which I was acting out of ego. So - when the fear kicked in I supported myself with breathing untill it dissipated, but obviously I was now experiencing the outflows of my actions based in superiority - which now balanced out in inferiority.

So - another example of how one can be enslaved by a polarity system of the mind and remain trapped within it - unless one lay out the whole pattern that is playing out and correct oneself in practical living.

After having done some writing yesterday - I went for a long walk in the evening which I enjoyed extensively as I noticed I was having no energetic reactions whatsoever to woman or girls that crossed my path, as I walked and remained within breath - as if there had been ties cut loose which was quite a freeing experience - so that was cool immediate feedback on the effectiveness of my writing of that day.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Looking at a Dream

Tonight I had a dream where I am walking around in a shoppingmall-like place to try some clothes (or somehting), and at one point i notice I lost my jacket (the one I mentionned in my post above) which makes me even more nervous in the dream when i realise my wallet is still in the jacket as well. I am about to voice this fear to someone though at that point I realize I created the whole point myself and I decide to not speak and that evenutally I will find my jacket.

At one point I am asking a girl (who works in the shop/place?) to go and look inside a large sportsroom that is full of girls doing sports and where i am not allowed to enter. Eventually I arrive at the entrance of the room myself and I find my jacket hanging somewhere, and I assume the girl must have left it there for me. Then I go into a point of spying into the room because I want to check what the girls are doing and there is an obvious energetic point within that spying that I would say is sex-related.

The spying actually happens as I wait for the 'elevator' which is actually a tramway that is comming up in a staircase-like system, where the stairs have been replaced with rails - so it's like a justification point where it's ok for me to participate in the energy because I'm in an 'in between moment', waiting for the tramway-elevator anyways and 'it just happens that i see these girls' (while in the dream I actually placed myself lying down on top of some structure to get a better sight). The whole place is a bit like a cave inside because of the rough and whobbly texture of the floor upon which the rails are set, and eventually the tram arrive and I either get in or I don't but I remember clearly that i was determined to take the tram but the dream ends there.

So – a clear element is the tramway, because I do in fact take a tramway every day when I go to work. And a point with regards to the tramway I have in real life is where I will doubt whether I will take the tramway or walk to my work (which is only 15 minutes). The considerations I have is: if I walk then I am having a little bit of physical movement, which is good for at least not gaining more weight given that I’m not doing any sports or anything anymore. However with the bad weather it may damage my shoes which cost money and I may then have to buy new ones. Another more neutral consideration is that if it is really cold, I will simply prefer not walking and taking the tramway.

Then inside the tramway there are always many woman/girls where I do have this point of glancing at woman/girls – and the point of my physical appearance comes up prominently and also in relation to the clothes I wear, my tie, my shoes, etc. (And also my cap and the worry that I will be seen as ridiculous with that kind of cap together with the kind of clothes I am wearing). For instance there will be another guy with a suit and a tie waiting for the tram as well and I always have this judgment of: “why can’t he take a car – he’s probably greedy!”. I also have a judgment towards him where I tell myself that I look better than him – lol, because fascinating: because he’s the only guy waiting on the tram with a suit and a tie together with me, while all the rest are more ‘randomly clothed’ and most of them are 12 to 16 year old and simply go to school – I see him as being in competition with me. Competition with regards to our clothes and how ‘elite’ we look: “Damn, he looks more classy than me because I am wearing this cap and he’s actually wearing an expensive hat.” So, to compensate this I tell myself: “Yeah, but he’s more ugly than me !!!!!!”

So – clearly an obsession with wanting to impress woman and younger girls specifically with my clothes and the way I look and wanting to radiate success and stable income.

The fact that in my dream the tramway is actually representing the elevator that comes up in a staircase-like structure – also points towards the elevator I take daily at work. With regards to the elevator I have this questioning of: “should I take the elevator down or should I take the stairs?” (because my work office is at the 10th floor of a building) Here again the ‘reason why’ is that taking the stairs is good because then I have a minimum of physical movement that is good for not gaining weight.

While I’m writing about the elevator I might just as well add this point: in the legal department of the company where I work they have acquired a new person to work there, a woman. The point with her is that she is ‘beautiful looking’, where she has for instance ‘very long smooth hair’ and ‘beautifull eyes’, a skinny face and... big breasts. So once I was waiting for the elevator and she entered the hall as well and I saw she was coming for the elevator as well while I was already inside and ready to go up – so I stopped the doors from closing and she entered the elevator as well. When our eyes met she immediately looked down – which I experienced as strange and it seems I took it personally, as if I am a criminal or an abuser. This point I kept experiencing of her having her reservations about talking to me or looking at me – which I can see now why I reacted, because I did in fact have an energetic experience towards her.

So – this was my dream thus far and what it brought up.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Interesting feedback

So at work I was having an update meeting some weeks ago with my boss where we discuss my results and we talk about where I am not yet fully effective and where I should improve and what I should consider.

At one point he was explaing to me how one can make sure that you went all the way to close a deal. He said if at a certain stage of the conversation the person chooses to not take your offer and they are not pissed off with you, then you didn't go all the way. If on the other hand you go to such an extent that the person on the other end of the line gets angry and smashes down the phone - then you know you went all the way.

He said: many people have issues with doing this - do you know why?

I said: I guess because they fear being seen as 'bad' and doing somehting 'wrong'.

He said: look at the words you are now using... the day you can go there and don't see yourself as 'bad' or doing somehting 'wrong' - then you will become the most effective possible salesman.

So - this was cool feedback from my boss, where he's basically saying: "fuck morality" and encouraging me to be more ruthless in the system.

So, I highly recommend doing sales to anyone having issues with morality and good and bad - because you will certainly be challenged and also your communication skills will improve extensively.

Monday, December 27, 2010

One vlog a day keeps the docters away

So - since a while I have been doing vlogs much more regularly ad I have noticed some cool points that opened up.

First of all I really enjoy doing vlogs and what really assisted me is to make vlogs in relation to entertainment such as series, because i noticed I am able to make much more vlogs this way.

Where I used to 'wait' untill an insight/perspective opened up before I would decide to make a vlog, I now direct myself to make vlogs regardless of any special insight -and what I found is that insight will actually open up as I push myself to make vlogs, which is the reverse of what I expected.

So - that's all I have to share about this point.


Sunday, December 26, 2010


So yesterday evening I did an Osho card reading to check why my left pinky was twitching so much and because I had now established that it was not due te ineffective breathing.

Points that revealed:
1. innosence as core issue

With on top of that 'guidance' and 'who I am' wthin the issue was 'control' - which correlated with the pains in both my upper arms

So I did some self-forgiveness based on what came up in that moment - though this morning I see I may have rushed into an idea and missed the point of what the reading is atually signifying...

2. what I attract from the outside = the 'existence' card (not sure what this stands for and I deliberately did not go and read the booklet because of how I abused this very point in the past and I decided to stick to what I can immediately see)

3. Desires/denials: 'creativity'
Normally this card had always represented 'work' - though I consider the work issue to be sorted out sufficiently, so to me it represents creativity and expression because I noticed how I had thoughts/desires when seeing or listening to other peoples songs for instance and I decided I cannot go there (as in creaing a song myself for instance) because I have no time or because I have no right to that

Yet I am unsure if this is a plain denial or if I am to approach the point as a desire - I'll see...

More posts to come...