Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Feeding the Birds

So - it was interesting as I walked from the laundry a couple of days ago and saw someone had left bread crums on the sidewalk for the pigeons. So, there were loads of birds scrambling for the crums and there were more pigeons comming. It was obvious though there was not going to be enough for all of them...

Looking at this I found this quite cruel - because here you have someone who left 'food for the birds' but without considering the harm being done by letting the birds fight and scramble amongst themselves for the food - basially forcing the birds to compete against eachother and fighting eachother.

The person probably thought they are 'helping the birds' - but if you look at it from the pespective of the birds - they would probably enjoy it more if there was actually enough for everyone so they didn't have to fight. Lol - if I was a bird that's what I would like because then we can stop fearing each other and eat comfortably without worrying there will not be enough.

So - next time anyone go feed the birds, make sure you bring enough !

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Deprogramming self

So today I had a cool experience where I was tested in my application – because there’s two colleges of mine that are absent so I receive all the incoming phone calls to handle now, half of which is from people that are calling the wrong number so we have to redirect them all the time to the right number as we really cannot help them with their problem.

So I was busy at my desk, breathing and taking one action at a time, when I received a phone call from a person that was calling the wrong number and who it seems I already directed that same day towards the other service. This lady said she had called the other number but she’d had to wait too long and that did not seem normal to her, so she called me back to tell me she did exactly what I told her and still she was not being helped. So I explained again that I am completely unable to assist her and that she really needs to call the other service because I have strictly nothing to do with their service line - so what was fascinating is that instead of hearing me she wants to argue and ‘have a point’ – so I explained to her why she had to wait this long, is because the agents are having many other people on the line at that moment and one simply need to call back a later stage – yet instead of hearing me she starts arguing again about how ‘abnormal’ that is and that she is not being helped, and she’s doing an effort to call us and then she can’t even reach us.

So at that point a friction came up within me where I wanted to say: “look, what do you want me to do?” Which would obviously have started a game of wanting to be right and feeding the conflict. So, instead I took a breath and said: “look, you have to call on the other number later, that is really the only solution.” I also gave her another variation of the same number, which was in essence still the same number and then she stopped trying to convince me and she went off to try again an she did't call me back that day.

So, cool how breath assisted me in not going into an ego energy of ‘power’ which would have created a connflict – but instead was able to act effectively to sort out the problem, and within directing myself and not allowing myself to follow the preprogrammed reaction I was able to direct this woman.

Monday, January 3, 2011

First relationship

I'm sharing here a piece I wrote as part of preparation for a mindconstruct on relationships in the context of my SRA training.

"So when I was 14 I had a 'relationship' for a week (or less) with a girl.

What was specific about this relationship is that I really did not enjoy the experience of being with her: which I experienced as having to play a role and please her and actually being a toy in a way. I ‘liked’ that she was ’pleasing’ as she was apparently ‘in love’ with me – though I was in conflict with myself because I did not enjoy kissing her. Actually the kissing was the most central point within the relationship (I was not interested in any way whatsoever in who she was) and the belief that I had to kiss as good as possible and fear of disappointing her.

The kissing I experienced as an energetic drain, to which I seemed addicted at the same time because regardless of my actual experience i believed I should at some point get to the point of intensity and ‘passion’ – which never happened. So, after a couple of days I had an experience of disgust towards her and simply wanted to get out of the relationship, because it felt as if I was going to die I if I stayed with her.

How the relationship started is she was hanging around with us more and more and at one time after the others left she asked me if she could receive a kiss from me, which I did, but did not even open my mouth – so she said bluntly: “You have to open your mouth” – to me there was an experience of energy because of ‘what we were doing’ (because of my relationship definitions – “I am now in a relationship, I have a girlfriend!”); yet at the same time I did not specifically enjoy the physical kissing in itself.

With regards to her physical appearance I started experiencing her as extremely ugly the longer I stayed with her. She did not at all fit within the picture in my mind of a ‘beautiful girl’. It seems I only agreed to be with her out of a point of curiosity and because I believed I could not decline ‘a girls offer’ (when she asked me to kiss her – together with the point of curiosity and the belief that I should seize my opportunity of being able to kiss a girl).

So, at one point I started to feel trapped with her – because I did not actually want to be in a relationship with her. I knew I was lying to her ad merely presenting myself a certain way to be able ‘explore sexuality’ though I was not interested in any commitments and I blocked out the moments where she started talking about ‘later’ and if an how we would be seeing each other, were I already decided that will never happen – mostly because within the relationship I was putting up a veil that I did not want her to see through – I did not want her to know me – the ‘actual me’ from the perspective of who I was in my world – and so that I could remain in control and decide the outcome.

Another point is where she pushed the point of sex once – where I said that was not safe to do that (which made sense considering where we were) – yet that was mostly an excuse based on fear that was convenient for me – because I did not want to have sex with her in general, mostly because of shame towards my physicality and my penis in particular that was extensive back then – which would then be fear of disappointing her as well and mostly fear that she would judge me."

So – that’s it for now. I may give more feedback on this, though I now have to get ready for work.