I'm sharing here a piece I wrote as part of preparation for a mindconstruct on relationships in the context of my SRA training.
"So when I was 14 I had a 'relationship' for a week (or less) with a girl.
What was specific about this relationship is that I really did not enjoy the experience of being with her: which I experienced as having to play a role and please her and actually being a toy in a way. I ‘liked’ that she was ’pleasing’ as she was apparently ‘in love’ with me – though I was in conflict with myself because I did not enjoy kissing her. Actually the kissing was the most central point within the relationship (I was not interested in any way whatsoever in who she was) and the belief that I had to kiss as good as possible and fear of disappointing her.
The kissing I experienced as an energetic drain, to which I seemed addicted at the same time because regardless of my actual experience i believed I should at some point get to the point of intensity and ‘passion’ – which never happened. So, after a couple of days I had an experience of disgust towards her and simply wanted to get out of the relationship, because it felt as if I was going to die I if I stayed with her.
How the relationship started is she was hanging around with us more and more and at one time after the others left she asked me if she could receive a kiss from me, which I did, but did not even open my mouth – so she said bluntly: “You have to open your mouth” – to me there was an experience of energy because of ‘what we were doing’ (because of my relationship definitions – “I am now in a relationship, I have a girlfriend!”); yet at the same time I did not specifically enjoy the physical kissing in itself.
With regards to her physical appearance I started experiencing her as extremely ugly the longer I stayed with her. She did not at all fit within the picture in my mind of a ‘beautiful girl’. It seems I only agreed to be with her out of a point of curiosity and because I believed I could not decline ‘a girls offer’ (when she asked me to kiss her – together with the point of curiosity and the belief that I should seize my opportunity of being able to kiss a girl).
So, at one point I started to feel trapped with her – because I did not actually want to be in a relationship with her. I knew I was lying to her ad merely presenting myself a certain way to be able ‘explore sexuality’ though I was not interested in any commitments and I blocked out the moments where she started talking about ‘later’ and if an how we would be seeing each other, were I already decided that will never happen – mostly because within the relationship I was putting up a veil that I did not want her to see through – I did not want her to know me – the ‘actual me’ from the perspective of who I was in my world – and so that I could remain in control and decide the outcome.
Another point is where she pushed the point of sex once – where I said that was not safe to do that (which made sense considering where we were) – yet that was mostly an excuse based on fear that was convenient for me – because I did not want to have sex with her in general, mostly because of shame towards my physicality and my penis in particular that was extensive back then – which would then be fear of disappointing her as well and mostly fear that she would judge me."
So – that’s it for now. I may give more feedback on this, though I now have to get ready for work.