Tuesday, March 6, 2012

My initial experiences towards Self-Forgiveness

When I first got introduced to Self-Forgiveness – my initial experience towards it was a question mark: what is this?

Yet I could see there was no harm in doing it and the initial Desteni videos were very insisting on it. At that point I remember I was again in a position where I had suffered ‘shipwreck’, metaphorically speaking. My perspectives on reality had again proven to not be valid and I was faced with having to let them go - I felt I could trust nothing and I had to make a decision.

I experienced Self-forgiveness as the last straw – compelling, yet very daunting.

So, eventually I jumped and started my Self-Forgiveness process. I understood that this was not something I would be able ‘fit’ into anything I had done previously. It was literally the unknown.

My question-mark became an exclamation-mark, after I had pushed myself to apply the breathing that was suggested – and together with that speak self-forgiveness after every in-breath. This I was able to do while I was alone at home. I had the whole house to myself while my parents and sisters where either to work or at school. It is during this time that I had to myself alone that I realized – through speaking self-forgiveness out loud - that it really was the solution.

I started applying self-forgiveness on all sorts of thoughts, basically on anything that would come up in my mind – and I would walk around the house, speaking self-forgiveness non-stop. I remember at one point speaking self-forgiveness about blame – where I realized I could no longer continue to blame. After I had dug into this point with Self-Forgiveness – I suddenly said with anger: “Het is gedaan!” Which was me saying that I am no longer accepting and allowing myself to continue existing in blame and that I am taking responsibility for myself. These words had come up inside me and I had spoken them with fierce anger – I was really done with this; I had had enough!

When this was realized – I became very dedicated within my application of self-forgiveness. I really wanted to get all the shit out of me. Every day I started facing new aspects of me that had to be forgiven in order for me to be able to stop them. Within this I faced a lot of emotions like suppressed anger and sadness. Yet what would happen with self-forgiveness is that I would bring the point ‘here’ as me and I would unconditionally forgive it until I was clear within myself and the emotion was no more. This was a powerful realization: I could end my own suffering.

Hence I would recommend self-forgiveness to anyone who within themselves know that who and what they are currently is not sustainable, as the emotions, turmoil and hopelessness they experience. Let me tell you, there is no way out of this. The only way to stop this is through self-forgiveness: you must take responsibility for you.

I can certainly say that I have changed through self-forgiveness – I am no longer a walking time-bomb ready to explode at any given instant when something or someone would trigger a point within me. I stopped my patterns of drinking alcohol, smoking and masturbating to suppress my anger – I stopped using music and movies to wallow in self-pity, I stopped taking advantage of my parents, stopped existing in dreamland in my mind mainly, stopped abusing art as a way to get attention, I have let go of my vain hopes and wishes of becoming a famous writer, I stopped limiting myself according to what I perceive I’m able to do: hence I pushed myself to become a sales-man – and through that I could let go of my morality issues around money.

What I see I would have done had I not taken the opportunity to apply self-forgiveness – I would probably have persisted in my desire to become famous through writing and because of that ended up in a menial job with not much income, continuing drinking alcohol – repeating the pattern of not valuing myself and because my dream would not work out, and as I was unable to have any effective relationships, I would most likely have ended up committing suicide.

So, this was my story on how self-responsibility through self-forgiveness became my saving Grace.


Gabriël Zamora Moreno

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