Thursday, May 14, 2015

Day 1 - A Narcissist's Journey to Life

Today the point of Narcissim opened up and I will use this blog to walk this design.

The first trait of Narcissism that I found in a comprehensive list, is the following:

1.      1.  “An insatiable appetite for the attention of other people.”

How have I been living this point?

I can see that since my childhood years this point already came very much to the forefront. I would say that this huge need for attention started when I was 6-7 years old.

At that point I was relatively new in a new school and the people in my class were from what I remember calm and normal kids. One of them however (W), was more like a ‘Daredevil’ who would have a strong reputation in the class as being someone who dares a lot, and who is not afraid of the teachers. I basically thought that he was much tougher than me, that he had more courage, and more self-confidence and self-value. He also stood more and more like a leader in the group – where he was kind of seen and accepted as ‘the boss’.

So, what I saw as I started writing about this point, is that I had experienced myself as inferior to this person. I was in a relationship of tension with him because I wanted to be like him yet at the same time I experienced him as a threat. So, what I did was instead of investigating how I could create the qualities in myself that I admired so much in W, I started to look for ways in which I could draw the attention of the people in my class. So what I did is I saw that W was getting the attention and so I started to compete with him to also get my share of attention. This getting of attention I would do through putting my skills in the limelight and using whatever means I saw were effective at getting attention. These tactics were: using my drawing skills to get attention, then trying to be ‘badass’ like W, and then one tactic I found particularly effective was to be funny to others.  

This led to me and W becoming good friends – because I was able to position myself as a ‘heavyweight’. Yet even within my relationship with W I would experience myself as less than him and actually still see him as a leader.

(Note to myself: Another context in which I developed a strong point of attention seeking was at home through my drawings. Whenever I made a drawing and would show it to my parents – their feedback would establish a point of pride within me where I would feel worthy.)

So, the question within this all is: what was my fear about when I felt I needed to compete with W? I feared to be ‘less’ than him and I was not accepting myself – thus I needed the recognition from the group for which I had to compete and there was this belief that I had to present myself as ‘more’ than what I really was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen myself as a lesser kid in comparison to W – where I was in fear that if I were to allow someone else to run the show I would forever be an unnoticed kid – someone ordinary…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be someone extra-ordinary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpreted the situation in the class as me not being good enough and thus I tried to change myself because I could not stand to be treated as inferior by someone else – I wanted to be respected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have considered respecting myself – where I develop a relationship of self-trust with myself and live in a way that is in my benefit and in the benefit of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike myself based on the feedback I would get from others – such as my parents or teachers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself based on the feedback I would receive from others, be it my parents or teachers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my power away though believing that value had to be given to me and that I intrinsically had no value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed the judgments that adults made about me, which I bought into because I also wanted their positive judgments which made me feel like ‘more’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built my self-worth exclusively in relation to the feedback I would receive from others in my world – and so when I would not get attention – I would start feeling worthless and depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have bought into depression when I went to the drawing school and every time I would ‘not feel like it anymore’ and just sit around saying I had enough/ I was tired of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed this experience of having enough and being tired, which was purely a negative energy which I allowed to possess me – because I was not getting special attention and because the things we were doing at the drawing school were not necessarily things ‘I was good at’ and so I did not feel like pushing myself to simply enjoy myself with the other kids, but instead I decided to act superior by saying ‘I am tired of it’.

In my next post I will go over my self-forgivenes again and go more specific.

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