Gabriël's Writings

Ascension 2012 will end really Bad

2012-01-27T13:02:00.000-08:00

So, I’m writing this blog – because as the news is showing events in the world are only escalating and instead of people waking up and realizing there is intervention needed, more and more beings are turning towards prepackaged forms of delusion based on pretty pictures and nice words.

With Iran now being placed under more pressure internationally through the trade blockage that has been agreed on in Europe – it is clear that the rhetoric and threats that had been used, are now reaching a stage where world war starts to become a likely outcome.

What the media is creating within this is an experience where everyone is merely feeling like an ‘observer’ to these events instead of a participant who is contributing to the creation of this total mess.

From the movie Event Horizon - the crew took out their own eyes because "they didn't need them anymore where they are going"

A dangerous element within this all is that amongst the elite there are still those who follow belief systems according to which they will ascend to a higher realm and not be affected by whatever happens on the physical earth.

This sounds like Babylonian Mayhem.

Much of the ascension movement relies on the belief that cataclysmic events are to come at the crossroads of the ascension-leap – so they perceive that escalation towards world war is proving that they are right. What they fail to see is that every period in time there have been groups who claimed a cataclysmic event and who would use any event in the world as confirmation for their predictions.

So, don’t be stupid within wanting to do it again, just because you think this time you’ll be right.

I suggest – stop.

What you know is that you are now here on earth – that you can trust.
What you cannot trust is a belief that has been formed through thinking based on energy in the mind – which means: based on fear and desire.

Be here in every Breath and start birthing yourself as a physical being, out of your mind – to start seeing reality without distortions.

As you can see this world is moving into yet another cycle of useless violence – no different than any of the previous times. Has anything changed? Has anything been realized? Is this the fate of Humanity and of your children – to just keep repeating cycles of abuse and suffering?
I propose we break the cycle – though that will take real effort and dedication.

No-one will do this for you – so if you have apparently ‘no time’ – then you will face the consequence of that.

Obviously all previous generations have failed in bringing about a change. Will you be the next failure? Or do you say: I no longer accept and allow this and will make it my life-long commitment to see to it that a better world be created where all Life is treated Equal and where children can be born to lead a life without fear?

Join Desteni – investigate Equal Money – it’s time to start working together and not let fear dictate the outcome. The answer is Here.

http://desteni.org
http://equalmoney.org

Gabriël Zamora Moreno

December 21, 2012 will be the result of inconsideration

2012-01-17T04:11:00.000-08:00

Let’s look at the process of imagination and what happens when one participate in one’s imagination in the mind. We agree that spirituality is a process of imagination. Many mediation and visualization techniques explicitly ask that one use one’s imagination to impulse oneself with ‘peacefulness’ and ‘bliss’.

Only those who have sufficiently elevated themselves into a state of ‘love’ and ‘positivity’ will be qualified to ascend when the date of December 21, 2012 arrives.

The problem with imagination is that when one is in one’s mind imagining something – one lose awareness of what is here in the physical. Meaning: one create a separate mind dimension of experience where the actual world in which one physically sit and breathe – is not included.

Therefore, the more one participate in imagination – the more separation one create with physical reality. So, spiritual ascension is in fact spiritual separation. Because you separate yourself from reality in your ‘spirit’.

Now, every moment is an opportunity that one can use to either be here aware of oneself breathing – or that one can waste by participating in the mind. Because you will note that whenever you are busy thinking – the world continues in that moment without you – you just excluded yourself from reality. Therefore, the way to be here and have a say in reality, is to be self-present here in every breath and direct yourself in and as the physical.

The 2012 ascension movement is geared towards making a better world happen. It projects a bright future where there is no more suffering, for those who dedicate themselves to the cause of the ‘spirit’.

What is not understood within this is how physical reality is created on the most basic level.

When you are here and aware of your breathing – you can make decisions that are based on what you observe in your world, your assessment of the situation will be ‘sharp’. If you are however diverted in your mind and doing something mechanically while being busy thinking about what you want to do tomorrow – most likely you will fuck up whatever it is you are doing, because you are not aware of yourself here in the physical and of your environment, you are not giving any care and attention to the task you are busy with. Similarly, if you insist on experiencing bliss through your imagination as much as possible, despite of what you can observe is happening in the world around you with half your brethren existing in poverty and one billion not even having enough food to feed themselves properly – how do you think that will accumulate?

Therefore you cannot create a better world, when you are not HERE fully participating in the physical – but instead are running in your mind.

Similarly December 2012 will be nothing more than the accumulation of all the breaths that were missed by humanity leading up to that date. It will be the accumulation of humanity’s inconsideration. If you want to change the future - best to stop imagination and start a process of bringing yourself back in the physical and start seeing what is really happening.

Join Desteni and learn how to disengage from addictive mind patterns and instead start living Here.

http://desteni.org
http://desteniiprocess.com
Gabriel Zamora Moreno

The Adventures of Tintin - an Equal Money perspective

2011-12-22T02:33:00.000-08:00

I recently saw the latest Tintin movie and would like to give some perspective on it. There is in particular one scene in the movie that I'd like to look at and discuss. This is when Tintin arrives into the Carraboudjan and finds Captain Hadoc there, in his cabin in the ship, locked in a room and busy intoxicating himself with alcohol.

The point with this scene is that supposedly Hadoc lost his ship to his crew who mutinied against him – where he ended up locked up in his cabin, completely powerless in his own ship.

However when Tintin arrives, by sneaking in through the window, and they both look at how to get out, they simply find the door of the cabine was actually not locked – the door simply opens and Hadoc could in fact have left in any given moment.

Now – to place this in broader context, this exemplifies very well the situation of humanity – because it clearly shows that whatever one experiences is always the result of one’s own acceptances and allowances, one always creates one’s own consequence.
Thus in the movie Captain Hadoc has the opportunity to take responsibility for himself and his situation by doing all he can to make sure everything is considered – but instead he accepts the situation as being hopeless which causes him to overlook the door wasn’t even locked.

One can imagine that the guards didn’t even find it necessary to lock the door anymore as Hadoc had become a completely subservient prisoner who would actually be his own worst enemy by weakening himself through alcohol – not needing any external force anymore to keep him controlled, as he was doing that already all by himself.
So, this is also where humanity accept their reality the way it is because apparently ‘the door is locked’ as an excuse – as they didn’t push themselves all the way to find out how they can change their situation.

If we transpose this behavioral pattern into the world stage – it becomes clear that the same mechanisms are at work when it comes to world politics, economy and making decisions that are best for all. A clear example of this is the Equal Money System – where all possible excuses are used as to why such a change of society would not be possible. Because just as Hadoc perceived himself as being trapped in his ship – humanity has allowed itself to be trapped within a socio-economic system, where the majority of human beings are not properly supported, as more than half of humanity is living on less than 1 dollar a day and every day one billion go to sleep with an empty stomach. Yet the cause of all inequality in the world – is the money system – which is a human creation!

Obviously such a situation is unacceptable - and the facts about inequality are known by world learders.

Yet is any serious solution coming forth?

Just like Hadoc is unwilling to unconditionally assess his reality, humanity is unwilling to consider everything that is here. Because if that were done, responsibility would have to be taken by all to change the system and create a better way for all. Such a better way is the Equal Money System: a new socio-economic system based on the principles of Equality, self-responsibility and respect for all Life. Thus by presenting the Equal Money System to the world – we are taking away humanity’s excuse and showing how this can actually be done.

Did you know that it is possible to change your world?

Did you know this is mostly just a matter of changing the monetary system as per agreement by all ?

Investigate how money is currently being created – as you were not told the whole story.

Join us if you are ready...

http://equalmoney.org

Gabriël Zamora Moreno

How the Agreement supported my Physical Changes

2011-11-25T11:46:00.000-08:00

When I met Manuela I was physically in bad shape because of the place I had given food in my life. I would not be willing to give food much attention nor was I willing to take interest in how I could better support myself with food. I was focusing on how I could ‘save time’ through not giving attention to food – which revealed to be a point where I actually don’t give attention to myself and where I neglect myself.

I had in my previous years been busy with food – yes – though not to the extent where I would be taking responsibility for the point of food in my life as such. The results were that I had throughout the last year accumulated a lot of pimples on my back and I was feeling bad physically a lot of the time, I would also feel weak often as I would walk home from work, which is actually a sign of malnourishment, and I had accumulated a yellowish glaze in my eyes the last year, which seemed to indicate liver-problems.

I had done some attempts to improve my diet though I never pulled them through, because I was not getting the immediate results I was looking for, and thus I would give up and sink back to old patterns.

When I started the agreement with Manuela – we agreed that I needed to change the way I eat.

Since we both share an uncommon blood group type, she was well placed to give me specific support and suggestions regarding what foods would most likely support me and which I should better avoid for a while.

This was cool in a way because Manuela had throughout the years accumulated a lot of experience around food that was specifically related to her own physical body – which is where the blood group becomes relevant, because a lot of the symptoms of physical discomfort I was describing to her she could easily relate to and she would say she had gone through exactly the same.

This is where I started trusting what she had to say and I went with her suggestions. I very quickly turned over my entire diet and started eating things I had never before eaten in my life, and some of the foods I had never heard of.
This whole point we did together where we would go buy the food together and also cook the food together – so that the whole process was placed in the picture.

It became clear very soon that this was a right path to take as the physical feedback we were getting was very specific. The pimples on my back started disappearing very fast, I would feel much better physically, I would feel lighter in my walk and also the yellowish glaze in my eyes completely cleared up after a couple of weeks already. I also have an easier time shitting now etc.

So, this made me realize that food in our society is definitely not a given and one really need support and education in how to nurture oneself in an effective manner. In this case I realize that I would not have been able to get out of this by myself and that without another person assisting me and pushing me with this point my health might have gotten really bad in a matter of years.

I am now walking the point of standing as an equal to Manuela in the point of food so that I can more and more take full responsibility for this by myself.

Gabriël

A Backchat Story

2011-09-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday after I had cooked myself a meal - I sat myself down in the couch to eat comfortably.

Yet – it was warm outside and when it's warm like that I leave the front door open – and I knew many of the neighbors were sitting outside chatting - I could hear them talking.

("Being perception" - drawing by Marlen Vargas Del Razo)

So, even though I had some resistance I saw it was really stupid to eat here alone ‘hidden away’ in the house and I decided to get up and join my neighbors outside.

I said hello and joined two people who were sitting there, I took a seat on a chair that was placed outside – which many here in the street have outside all the time, and placed my plate with baked potatoes with mayonnaise on my lap.

So – there was my neighbor sitting there and another guy who will soon move in the street apparently – and who is from Finland – so, we talked about the language point a bit and then he asked if I don’t speak Finnish, because that would be so cool to have someone who speaks Finnish. So, here my backchat was ‘ok, why would I speak Finnish’ – as the question seemed a bit ambiguous.

Then we started talking about my food – like ‘what are you eating’, and I said it’s baked potatoes – after which my neighbor asked if I’m a cook (which I found a funny question) or if I just cook randomly, so I explained that recently I actually started putting some effort in the food I prepare (like today I made onions with tomatoes and merguez and little potatoes, though the potatoes were ready last) – whereas before I would simply buy stuff from the fridge etc. in the store that never involves any real cooking. I also explained that I was feeling physically better since I started doing that and the Finish guy said: ‘Yes, that stuff from the fridge is not good.’

Then an interesting thing happened, the Finnish guy asked if he could have one potatoe – to which I had a reaction. Because the thoughts that came up were: ‘but I have only two potatoes left for myself’, and ‘how dare you’ and ‘It’s just enough for myself’ – but I simply held my plate in his direction and he took a small potatoe of my plate.

I wasn’t all clear on what this reaction signified, but I saw it would be really nonsensical and sabotage to refuse – lol, and there was probably some peer-pressure at play as well. Though because this reaction kept sitting in me and I started experiencing a slight resistance to sit with this person - I didn’t stay much longer after my plate was empty and I went back in the house.

Now this unfolding of action-reaction is quite easy to pinpoint afterwards – and a solution could have been to breathe and deliberately engage the person to move through the ‘resistance-energy’. But instead I accepted the reaction as ‘real’, even up to the belief where I afterwards stated in my back-chat: “see – this is what happens when you engage with these people – immediate consequence!”

When I shared this point with Manuela later the evening – and I shared the question that I had asked myself: “so what is there to be realized” within this, and I shared my backchat around it – that maybe I should have ‘stood up’ – Manuela made it very clear that the reaction was based in ego and indeed a form of sabotage.
So, it was cool to see how easily a mindfuck is created.

And the point where it starts is very simple: is ‘believing’ a thought, ‘believing the backchat’ – because self try to make sense out of a moment through the mind – using backchat – instead of breathing here and standing equal as the moment here. So, thinking or backchat is then simply a form of attempted control – because the realty of the moment is simply here to be seen, explored, participated in – yet as soon as you follow the white rabbit of thought you clearly end up in a delusional reality.

So, join us at Desteni – where we support ourselves and each other to stop our delusions and dysfunctional behavior and start participating with each other as equals here in the physical.

Gabriël Zamora Moreno

Neither optimsim nor pessimism changes the reality we live by

2011-09-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

Optimism is often placed in a polarity with either pessimism or cynicism, which are being described as those who actually proclaim that nothing can be done and the situation/reality is fucked and therefore there is really no point in doing anything.

So, the choices the system is giving you is either to be delusional as an optimist or to ‘give up on reality’ as a pessimist.

Because if one look at the word ‘optimism’ – it is tacitly implying that perception will be manipulated so that one do not actually deal with reality.

So, neither of both are actually willing to look at reality – because a pessimist will merely use knowledge to justify his position of self-defeat.

In constrast to optimism and pessimism stands self-honesty.

Self-honesty is the willingness to unconditionally investigate self and reality as self to find out what really exists and to go as deep as necessary in order to understand the extent of the problem.

Because, in self-honesty – what can we see about ourselves and this world?

We can see that this reality is a hell for the majority of beings that exist here, humans and animals alike. That is not a pessimist statement – it is a matter of numbers. More than half of the 7 billion human beings that live on this earth, exist in poverty. Did you know that? Animals are even worse of than humans, as they are mostly abused as either food or slaves.

Would you like to be in the shoes of the chicken who is caged and cannot even spread it’s wings and who merely serve as an egg factory, to end up being brutally killed and eaten? No, you wouldn’t.

So, then why is it allowed by all of humanity collectively?

Remember that you receive equal to what you give.

So, in self-honesty – what is the solution?

The solution is self-responsibility – to realize every single one are equally responsible for this and to within that investigate how self has given permission for this atrocity to exist.

Because that is the message no one wants to hear - that has nothing to do with pessimism. It has to do with basic common sense and finally stopping al excuses.

Are you ready for this?

Optimists and pessimists of this world…

The tools with which to approach this are self-forgiveness, writing and breathing.

With written self-forgiveness you face yourself and what you’ve become – deprogramming your accepted and allowed patterns of self-interest and greed – and with breathing you’ll make sure you do not walk the same patterns again and birth yourself as a real Physical being that is able to do what is best for all.

Join us at Desteni – together we’ll create a better world.

Gabriël

The Shortest Route

2011-09-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

I was walking the streets with Manuela – and she crossed the street at one point to ask someone for directions. I was waiting on the other side of the street until she’d be finished – and in my mind I was thinking about making signs to her to ‘communicate’ the question: ‘should I cross the street or are you gonna cross the street back again’ ?

Though in that moment I saw how hopelessly complicated this was and looked around me and saw I was in that moment able to cross the street – and so I simply did and the ‘problem’ was solved. Later she said she had been surprised by me crossing the street because it was an unusual thing to do, which I had also experienced.

We afterwards talked about this because it was a cool example of how in self-presence the simple solution will emerge – the shortest possible route, and how this can be applied in many other situations.

Thus the solution is always: breath – be here – present in the physical – then you don’t need to ‘think’.

Gabriël

Scared of Equality ?

2011-08-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

In one night 5 desteni accounts – 4 of which were the main accounts - have been ‘terminated’ by youtube. These accounts altogether comprised more than 3000 video’s that were online and that were uploaded day by day since 2007.

Art by Andrew Gable

When we inquired as to why this action was taken by Youtube – they literally said they would not give a reason, so it smells like a ‘political’ decision.

So – let’s investigate what desteni promotes

- Self-forgiveness
- Self-honesty
- Self-responsibility
- Education
- Human rights
- The end of all war and abuse
- Equal Money

So, we are the most peaceful group imaginable – and specifically speaking out against violence in revolutions and suggesting the political route be taken to change the world in a democratic way, through peaceful means – where we stress that education is the key to change this reality into a place that is best for all.

People who see desteni often react upon seeing one video without having any context – so, yes desteni is not Mc Donalds or MTV – you have to actually do a bit of homework.

Yet – it is clear that what has been shared is perceived by some as threatening to their reality.

Which is quite fascinating,considering the message, which is: equality.

If I were you I would definately investigate a website that is causing so much disturbance – lol.

http//:desteni.co.za

Gabriël Zamora Moreno

Examples of Self-forgiveness

2011-07-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to look a certain way – to have certain traits and define myself according to those traits because I think those traits give me authority and make me seem knowledgeable and intelligent

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to define being knowledgeable and intelligent according to certain facial traits – which exist as pictures in my mind from movies such as with Robert Deniro, Bruce Willis, Steven Seagal and Clint Eastwood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train myself to with my face always present a picture of authority/superiority and intelligence – a face that would scare others in not trying to mess with me because I would make a fool out of them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my face to present a complete act based on survival and what I think I must project in order for me to be successful and make it in the system

Self-re-education is the Key to a Great life

2011-07-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

I was looking this evening at writing an aticle – though I decided I would first speak it on recording and then place it in writing, so here is the recording as well as the transcript:

“I would like to give a perspective on Desteni I Process in relation to self-education. So, an interesting way to look at desteni I process is from the perspective of self-Re-education, where you take directive principle by actually re-educating yourself.

Now that is quite a fascinating concept because when you look at it from the perspective of ‘who has created you’/’who has shaped the person you are today’, is those who have raised you. So, who you are is not the result of your own directive principle but the result of outside influences and outside factors that have created who you are. That would be your caretakers/parents extensively, television if it was in your life – extensively-, and school – probably extensively… So you have really been…. You really, really are a product of a factory from that perspective because you have really been fabricated and who you are today is a result of that process of shaping and forming who you are.

So, from that perspective the only way to take directive principle and to say “ok - now I am going to decide who I am”, is inevitably a process of re-education because the way you have been created was a process of gradual education – education has made you who you are, therefore to reverse that, you have to re-educate yourself. Which in the first place means that you have to be able to identify all the points that have create you, so you have to be able to become fluent in identifying patterns, behavioral constructs, personalities, addictions. And these are exactly all the points that are taken on in Desteni I Process, to be able to disengage those and stop existing as that which you have become as a product of the education of your environment and the impulses of your environment. So you can then decide ok I am ‘this’ – I don’t wanna be this – and I rather be this. And then you re-script yourself and you re-create yourself and you can make a statement of what you want to live…

Now that is quite revolutionary and to my knowledge there is not many that he been able to do it successfully – so, at Desteni we are doing it successfully; and that is what I wanted to shed some light on… I can certainly attest to it that it has been extremely worthwhile for me, and obviously I know many who are walking the same process.

So, it’s quite amazing what one is able to do… what one is able to stop is also a point in itself. It’s really amazing if you start applying the solutions and tools from the Desteni I Process – because that is something quite fascinating in itself is… the extent to which you take yourself for granted. Now, that will definitely be challenged in the Desteni I Process because I mean literally every single point of who you are/what you think yourself to be will be challenged and… basically you have to take on a stance of sef-responsibilty towards every single point that you are because as long as you don’t do that you are still the result of the creation of the past, of the programming of your environment.

Now, the fact that you were brought up by an environment is not a ‘problem’ as such – the problem lies in the fact that the systems of education that exist currently in the world are seldom to your benefit, are seldom beneficial and - it’s sad to say – make you an ineffective being, a being that is not effective at living fully, at a full potential, to live an effective life in self-satisfaction and… to really lead an existence that is worthwhile. The education systems that we have don’t support that unfortunately. That is why I would say one should consider re-education.

So, that was my perspective on that – thanks.”

Gabriël Zamora Moreno

Legion - Moviereview !

2011-07-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

Anyone familiar with the History of Desteni should be able to appreciate this movie !

Angels are not what humanity expected them to be… quite nasty

And God does not hesitate to order the exectution of children…

Gabriël

The Mentalist

2011-06-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

Here I will explain why the Mentalist is a cool series to watch and what I particularly enjoy about it.

I like the character of Patrick Jane because in a way he doesn’t really have any friends – which enables him to challenge any person in his world and expose them, question them. Obviously this makes him ‘disliked’ by his surroundings and many people see him as a ‘jerk’ – yet this does not influence or bother him (he actually even enjoys it when people react to what he says or does, as he enjoys to push people’s buttons)

Obviously there is some ego in the character as well when it comes to him seeing himself as ‘the smartest’ – though he will often use arrogance deliberately as well to make a person react and within that have them reveal something, expose themselves.

One case in point was when he asked a person who’s college had died, if he had killed his own college. This he will do very often, because within such a simple straight forward question, people will reveal themselves through the way they ‘handle’ such a question. In this case Patrick Jane went a step further – because he really wanted to make sure he would touch the person to their core and get real feedback – by looking him straight in the eyes and asking: so how did it feel like to smash his skull with a bat? This made the person explode with anger and reveal ‘who they are’ - to which Patrick Jane simply commented that he had anger issues even though he was ‘innocent’.

So in general Patrick Jane’s character does not have much respect for human beings and will mostly expect them to be lying and deceitful – as this is his continuous experience of people.

So, there is a valid message in the Mentalist – which is that human beings can’t be trusted due to them having a ‘secret mind’. The ‘secret mind’ is that which one indulge in as the thoughts one have which one believe no one knows about – the inner nastiness of a being.

A point that is well developed in relation to this is the point of physical behavior: merely by observing people’s physical behavior will the ‘mentalist’ be able to tell if they are lying to him - by observing their facial expression and body gestures as he speaks to them. Interestingly people will often mistake him for a ‘psychic’ (someone who can read people’s minds) because they are unaware of the extent to which they actually expose and reveal themselves (that which they thought they were able to keep hidden) through their physical (unconscious) behavior.

So, the point being demonstrated is that even though one can try and hide – the physical never lies.

Thus, to conclude – the mentalist is good material for anyone interested in critical self-analysis – which one could simply call self-honesty – and perhaps one can use this series as a mirror for oneself and ask the question: who am I ?

http://desteniiprocess.com

Gabriël Zamora Moreno

Writing yourself to Freedom

2011-06-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

I’d like to share what my experience has been with writing and how ‘writing myself to freedom’ assisted me in getting to know myself.

So, first off when I started the process of self-forgiveness ad self-honesty – the initial step was most of all a process of ‘stopping’ – where I stopped speaking and writing my thoughts and had to find a way to direct myself in and as breath – to instead of thinking, be here with every breath. Then the point of ‘writing yourself to freedom’ was introduced – which was very exciting because now I could start really ‘digging’ into myself and write out many suppressed experiences I had had during my life – which were still influencing and controlling me.

This process of writing was quite intense because in the beginning I had this experience where I ‘couldn’t remember’ much of my childhood – and the writing actually assisted me in ‘breaking through’ my own veil of ‘forgetfulness’ and open myself up to myself – meaning: to how I had actually experienced myself in those moments that had a major influence over ‘who I had become’ as a person – though which I had never before in my life written about or even looked at.

So – I can definitely say that through writing I discovered all he forgotten parts of myself – I actually experienced it like that – like an inner journey, and it was the most liberating experience I had had in my life as well, because as I would write I would also ‘release’ the suppressed emotions/memories that were controlling me. And I found gratefulness towards myself within doing that, because I realized through writing out these events and releasing the emotions – that I was actually not those emotions – and I became ‘lighter’. I realized: I am Here.

Whenever the point would not be clear after the writing I would do additional self-forgiveness until I felt I was ‘empty’ – until there was no more inner tension.

Eventually I would only write self-forgiveness and skip the ‘writing the past’ part because more and more the points would be ‘here’ accessible for me and thus I could simply write self-forgiveness and let go of the point much quicker.

So, that is how I found writing has assisted me in ‘opening up’ – because I was keeping myself under the spell from the past through ‘forgetfulness’ – therefore through writing and self-forgiveness I took self-responsibility and could ‘break myself down’ and change myself for real.

I will only share parts of ‘what it meant to me’ - and obviously one have to see for oneself - as I am not interested in convincing anyone: the proof is in the pudding.

So, you can find the writings of which I speak on this very blog – and you’ll find other people’s writings in the blogs that are listed by author to the right of this page – which also inspired and supported me in my own application.

Gabriël Zamora Moreno

*** For anyone interested in getting training in how to ‘live life to the fullest’, using tools such as writing yourself to freedom, combined with an income opportunity – check out: http://desteniiprocess.com ***

Thinking is the root of all Evil

2011-05-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

The reason why this world is such a mess and why so much abuse exists is because human beings listen to the THOUGTS IN THEIR HEAD.

If you really look at it, everyone pretty much already agrees on what is ‘good’ and everyone already pretty much understands what would support everyone in this world. Everyone sees and understands that poverty and starvation and slavery should better not exist – because no one wishes to be in that position.

Everyone already pretty much understands and agrees to the words ‘do unto another as you would like to receive’ – as this is such undeniable common sense.

So, then why is humanity not standing together and acting as one group in full understanding and creating a solution for the mess of this world – but instead exist in conflict and division and fight each other in fear of each other?

What if everyone would ‘act’ upon the words ‘do unto another as you would like to receive’?

This world would be sorted out in no time and heaven on earth would actually exist.

Simply look at it – this is undeniable.

This is so simple that it become obvious why this is not being lived/honored – is because when it really comes to it – people will not listen to common sense – but will listen to the thoughts in their minds: the little voice that tells you you should consider yourself first and screw everyone else.

It is time to acknowledge that thinking is the root of all evil.

Write down your thoughts in a diary for one day if you don’t believe me.

Artwork Original Artist Andrew Gable

This is why it has been suggested that to change this world – man has to stop it’s addiction to the mind and to thinking – to become self-directive in breath and stop allowing thoughts to dictate one’s behavior and direction in the world.

There is a practical way to stop this that can be applied by everyone – and I suggest the most effective way to do it is through the ‘Desteni I Process’.

One will be assisted by others who have walked their own process of self-perfection – and receive a level of support that is no-where else to be found in his world – I mean: it really does not exist.

Do I promote ‘Desteni I Process’ ? – Obviously, but only because I know it works for me and because if I can do it then anyone can do it. What I am able to say is that you will be surprised the moment you realize: ‘Damn, I am actually able to stop this experience, (fear, anxiety, anger, depression, any experience really) – who I am is actually not this stupid voice in my head and I am able to move myself and direct myself as an act of self-will not limited by fear or reaction to or towards something or someone – ACTUAL freedom.’

That is when you can start acting in ways that you’ve never done before and can start creating a better world…

Gabriël Zamora Moreno

http://desteniiprocess.com

You weren't taught how to read

2011-05-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

Today I participated in a speedreading course – which is something I had been looking at doing since a while because I figured it would assist me with processing more information faster, so that I can move faster in my studies and also be more effective in general.

We were only 8 people participating as it was a private seminar – and the lady who organized this event had applied these techniques for herself and it seemed also everyone else in her family, so she could speak from her own experience and explain the points very simplistically.

As the seminar started a first point that surprised me is when she started explaining that the way we are being taught to read is actually not effective – as (in her terminology) the brain is able to process information a lot faster than the speed with which we read – so our reading speed is actually too slow for the brain – so the brain actually 'gets bored' and 'distrated' - which means we are not using the physical effectively.

She also made very clear that everyone is able to learn this and that it is merely a matter of practice – hence: of consistency and self-discipline.

The seminar was just this one morning and the lady said there is no reason to prolong the course as the ‘technique’ in itself is utterly simplistic and one merely need to practice by oneself to really become effective at it.

All one need to do ‘in essence’ is force oneself to read faster step by step – which is a physical training process and re-programming of the physical – so that the ‘reading-speed’ can be ‘up to speed’ with our physical ‘understanding speed’ – fascinating: will definitely test this and give feedback on results.

What I found most fascinating is how this is actually very well-known and widely used by business people and politicians – where it is called ‘smart reading’ – so why is this not being thought in all classrooms? This shows again that the education system does not care about really teaching children how to live and merely gives them useless knowledge and on top of that fucks up their reading capacity so they are screwed for the rest of their life.

Would you send your child to such a school ???

I am one vote for EQUAL EDUATION FOR ALL and the END of ALL ELITISM!

http://equalmoney.org

How to Fuck yourself up

2011-04-11T13:23:00.000-07:00

So, it took me three years of application in this process to now start to become aware of a pattern that I was existing as – which is the point of holding back in communication and waiting for others to direct communication. What I mean by this is that I would for instance have something that I would like to ask someone – though instead of asking my question start projecting how the other being may possibly react to my question, and within that judge my question as not smart to ask or as really stupid – while I haven’t even asked anything yet and while the other being doesn’t even know that I would like to ask a question and thus has no opportunity to give any real feedback – this is called a mind-fuck.

These things happen so subtly if one is able to be here in breath – meaning: being here aware of every breath – to notice what is actually going on inside oneself in terms of the thoughts one create. It’s interesting that the word ‘back-chat’ has come up recently and is now being used in many interviews and discussions – because this word is used to denote that action where one talk in one’s mind hidden from the world and from others – like a constant form of gossip: back-chat. Also ‘back-chat’ sounds like ‘back-stage’ – where the mind is the hidden ‘back-stage’ of thoughts that one use to manipulate and prepare a certain presentation that is then brought in the ‘front-stage’. If there were no manipulation there would be no need for a curtain – and self would be open and vulnerable at all times. So – this is what open communication amounts to – to have no curtain behind which one try and prepare/manipulate in fear what it is you will be presenting to another – but simply speak direct: that will save you many mind-fucks and it will save you much time as well.

And see: the word mind-fuck is also specific – because when you speak direct, your communication is actually physical – not mental: in the mind there is actually no communication – only make-belief and self-brainwashing. Very dangerous indeed.

Therefore, whenever such a point comes up, you have only one choice: speak or die!

Btw - If you are interested in learning the tools of how to become specific in assisting yourself and in changing yourself – so that you may have more FUN in life – I have one simple suggestion: join the Desteni I Process!

Money is Time

2011-03-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

Here I want to expound on a previous vlog where I had slightly touched upon how the experience of writers will be like in an equal money system in which everyone is provided with a basic income (equal money system).

Writers in an Equal Money System !

So – today I want to look at my experience of writing in relation to ‘time’ – this was many years ago when I had taken on the project to write a novel. When studying art (at Sint Lukas in Brussels) I often read about how artists would have this amazing ‘life-style’ wherein they were able to be at an optimum level of productivity. For instance I would read about how artists would literally ‘work’ all day on their art-work – as if that was the only thing that mattered in the world…

So – this is a ‘urge’ that exists in many artists: to be able to be productive beyond measure… There exists like a point of perfection within that.

In my case, I experienced such moments when I had my holydays in between the school years: because I could afford to not work – and one time I was allowed to be ‘alone at home’ with my two sisters only, while my parents were on their holiday in Spain. So, these were quite unique conditions from the perspective of the ‘space and support’ I was given to be able to literally do what I wanted. I choose to spend all my time writing. I sat hours and hours in front of a pc – writing the story – and I had given myself a deadline and a number of pages that would have had to be completed by the end of the summer, so I was writing against the clock as well and preferably I would write at least one whole page a day (that may not seem like much, but I was a real perfectionist), which was an amazing experience at the end of the day – to really be satisfied with my labor.

I never experienced this point again later on. Though one thing was certain: I wanted to be able to work like this, with such freedom, for the rest of my life…

This is why I support an Equal Money System, because at the moment the majority of human beings are not even able to consider that such support would be possible – if only we agreed to a system based on equality and respect for life, in which everyone is considered and valued.

Because if you really look at it, what made my experience possible is money an money only... Money is currently the problem in this world because of the disfunctional belief that life is worthless and therefore human beings should suffer and struggle their whole lif to survive in a system that values money over life... Would YOU like this current system to continue into eternity? Did you know that every signle day 20.000 children die from sarvation while there is actualy more than enough resources and capacity to feed and support everyone?

If could all coëxist together and stop all this harm and abuse - wouldn't you like to know about that ???

A real life support system is possible – investigate how…

http://equalmoney.org
Gabriël

The Power of Writing

2011-03-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

In the plane I was reading a newspaper article about a woman and how she is using writing to ‘discover’ herself… So – I would like to give some practical pointers to everyone who would like to ‘discover themselves’ through writing.

A first thing to consider is that you do not want to write down your thoughts – as in: whatever pops up in your head and that you ‘feel you should express’. Now, many will find that to be impossible, because: “How else do I express myself other than with and through thoughts!” The suggestion here is to then start with writing self-forgiveness, which is an easy tool/application to use and when one do it effectively – the experience is quite liberating…

This is done as follows: “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can only express myself in and through thoughts”/ “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am my thoughts and that without thoughts I cannot exist.”/ “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and through the act of thinking” / “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak to myself in and as my mind as thoughts believing that I am actually communicating”…

What you will experience initially is a release as you write out your self-forgiveness and at the same time also like an inner pressure/discomfort – this indicates that you need to ‘push further’ and ‘go deeper’ with your self-forgiveness until you find the point/belief that is limiting you/holding you back. What I also suggest is to – especially initially – to speak the written self-forgiveness out loud as well because that will assist you with really ‘clearing’ yourself ‘sound-wise’ (because you are literally speaking the words out loud and in your ‘sound’ you will be able to hear whether you are clear or if further self-forgiveness is required).

So – to all those who are now thinking: what the fuck does self-forgiveness have to do with expressing myself/discovering myself through writing? Though, trust me on this one: if you are serious about it you will have ‘results guaranteed’, as I myself have been applying this for many years now. However – what you will note within the application of SF is that you actually need to be self-honest about what you forgive yourself for. Because if it’s not done unconditionally, as a realization of self, you will only mind-fuck yourself.

So – if you are interested in finding out what self-expression really means – I suggest give self-forgiveness a shot FOR ONE WEEK – and join me in walking this process of realizing who we really are as life – if you dare…

For further back-ground on self-forgiveness and self-honesty: www.desteni.co.za
Desteni I process: www.desteniiprocess.com

Gabriël

Do you know what the COOLEST thing is ???

2011-03-11T09:54:00.000-08:00

Is to be able to BEATHE and STOP and realize that whatever you experience in your mind as thoughts, feelins and emotions is NOT REAL - as you just stopped it in one BREATH !

http://desteniiprocess.com

Let's Breathe and Walk together...

The Informant (Movie review)

2011-02-23T17:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday evening I finished watching the movie ‘the informant’ and I found the ending quite interesting. Basically the story is about a person working in a high level position in a company that starts to ‘tell stories’ to extort his environment/colleges, which brings him into contact with the FBI and makes him secretly work for the government as an informant. What is not clear in the beginning is that this person is actually having a pathological ‘lying problem’ – he basically lies to everyone all the time to get what he wants. So – what is fascinating is that by the end of the movie his life is completely destroyed because no one will be willing to ‘be on his side’ anymore – as they found he cannot be trusted because every time there is information he is deliberately not revealing or hiding which makes it impossible for any party to take on his ‘defense’.

So, at one point near the end of the movie you have one of the FBI agents with who he had been working closely for about 2,5 years in exposing corporate secrets – who came to his house and for the last time listens to one of his stories and says: ‘you really need to stop lying.’ What is interesting in the movie is that in that particular scene you as an audience can ‘hear the thoughts’ of the main character. So, what reveals is that when someone says something to him or asks him a question – he will speak to himself in his head first – which sounds like an automatic voice he has no control over – and then he wil word for word repeat that chatter of his mind out loud in the conversation. The interesting point is he does not seem to identify the ‘problem’ of listening to his thoughts as the actual reason for his lying – and still seems to hope he will ‘get through’ and ‘win’ in the end of the day, which is shown by the fact that he will immediately without question repeat the words spoken in his mind that sound like a broken record.

So – this is an interesting perspective on how the enslavement to the mind works – where the ‘problem’ is clearly identified yet simply ends with the ‘tragedy’ of the person being ‘unable to stop’ while no solution is given… The fascinating implication is that the character is portrayed as being ‘pathological’ because of the way he listens to his mind, yet what is not realized or what is taken for granted is how actually everyone who participates in their mind through any act of thinking – is actually ‘doing the same thing’ eg lying to themselves. So, this is an interesting point to study and ‘slow down’ within oneself: through being aware of one’s breath and focusing on one’s physical presence rather than on a point in the mind, one can notice how thoughts will actually pop up automatically in one’s head. So, this should make it very clear that ‘thoughts’ are indeed a form of self-allowed mind control – if one believe one’s thoughts as ‘real’ and ‘valid’.

Is it not strange that we will ‘listen to’ and ‘believe’ a separate voice in our head that speaks automatically. Is that not mentally unstable to say the least? Many will argue here "but it is not a ‘separate voice’ it is actually ‘me speaking’ in my head." Though if that were so – then one should be able to stop thinking by will in any given moment. And if you cannot ‘stop’ then you know you have a problem.

What the movie also clearly shows is that in the moment of listening to his thoughts, ‘Mark’ the main character, is not trusting himself in common sense and what would now be practical for him to consider, but trusting the voice in his head instead, regardless of the consequences. So, from that perspective this is also exposing the point humanity is facing regarding self-trust – because a strongly held believe is that ‘without thoughts one is unable to make reality-based considerations’ – yet that is not true – because one is able to directly ‘see’ what is ‘here’ as this physical reality without having thoughts about it and act based on that direct seeing. This has nothing to do with a spiritual guidance or higher understanding but simply the practical common sense that exist within every being. A baby is able to interact with his environment without having thoughts about it; Animals interact with their environment without having any thoughts about it. Awareness is not equal to thinking. Is everything in reverse?

So, check out the forum at Desteni where many examples are given on how to stop these patterns through self-forgiveness and writing in self-honesty... as I and many others have found that to be the only effective way to expose and stop the secret mind and learn what is means to see direct and actually express yourself.

http://desteni.co.za
http://desteniiprocess.com
Gabriel

Equality considerations

2011-02-13T13:02:00.000-08:00

So, at the moment you have laws that make sure that when someone has gone through the great effort of accumulating a share of what is here for their own benefit to the point that they are placing others in a position of disadvantage and poverty – that what they accumulated at the expense of others remains ‘protected’ and that the effort that is put into that accumulation is ‘conserved’. It’s interesting how the wealthy of this world are by many regarded as icons of ‘success’ and of ‘victory in life’, while what they’re actually doing is depraving others from equal access to the resources they require to support themselves effectively in this world. How can stealing from others what they have an equal right to ever be a ‘success’ or a point of ‘victory’? Why do we call a rapist a criminal while someone who causes thousands to suffer is revered as an example of success and excellence?

After Exams

2011-02-02T20:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had my last exam – so I would like to write about my experience within studying thus far.

Obviously with my full time job I have to study after work – though the last three days I’ve been rearranging my pattern to be able to do more: I would sleep after work, wake up at around 00:00 and then study the whole night until I have to go to work – this allowed me get through the amount of pages I had set out to do within those three days – with the result that I was ‘finished’ in the morning at 08:00 while my exam was only at 11:30.

So that gave me a perspective on what I am actually able to do – where previously I had not been able to do this much within such a short period of time.
I must say I did experience tiredness at work at some stages (and almost fell asleep at my desk) – though this is cool to test how far I can push these points (and also i didn't have a choice really).

I looked if I can make this a routine throughout the whole year, or simply a more regular routine – because then I would be able to study A LOT. What I had done previously a couple of times is sleep 3-4 hours in the evening and then try and sleep one more hour or so before going to work – though that never worked as planned and the result was I would be a wreck the next day at work. So – it’s important to have a consistent sleeping pattern – because I clearly noticed the difference with how I arranged my sleeping pattern these last days: I enjoyed to be able to have so much ‘time’ that is suddenly available when waking up at 00:00 – which is almost like a whole ‘day’ (in terms of working hours – because at a job one typically work 8 hours a day) that I can spend ‘before my day even started’ so to speak; and this allows me to be ‘clear and fresh for study’ because law books require more focus than my job in a way, and also it’s easier to push through tiredness at work where there is more physical movement and interaction – than sitting on a chair reading a book, where the tendency is to fall asleep when it gets late – so that was another reason why I could see it would be better to ‘reverse’ my day.

However I’m not gonna overstretch this application right now – because it was exhausting after a few days and obviously there are some impracticalities within ‘living at night’ as well. So – now obviously I will rest – though I can see how this pattern can be useful again in the future. So – I can for instance plan myself a week like this where I decide I want to ‘move faster’ within studies, and then check if my physical body can handle it.

Right after the exam I spoke to a person to decide how I will arrange the next semester – so now I have that sorted out as well.

So – overall I found this quite challenging because of the extent to which I pushed myself – and I was really glad when the professor confirmed immediately that I had passed the exam.

Feeding the Birds

2011-01-18T12:22:00.001-08:00

So - it was interesting as I walked from the laundry a couple of days ago and saw someone had left bread crums on the sidewalk for the pigeons. So, there were loads of birds scrambling for the crums and there were more pigeons comming. It was obvious though there was not going to be enough for all of them...

Looking at this I found this quite cruel - because here you have someone who left 'food for the birds' but without considering the harm being done by letting the birds fight and scramble amongst themselves for the food - basially forcing the birds to compete against eachother and fighting eachother.

The person probably thought they are 'helping the birds' - but if you look at it from the pespective of the birds - they would probably enjoy it more if there was actually enough for everyone so they didn't have to fight. Lol - if I was a bird that's what I would like because then we can stop fearing each other and eat comfortably without worrying there will not be enough.

So - next time anyone go feed the birds, make sure you bring enough !

Deprogramming self

2011-01-05T11:48:00.000-08:00

So today I had a cool experience where I was tested in my application – because there’s two colleges of mine that are absent so I receive all the incoming phone calls to handle now, half of which is from people that are calling the wrong number so we have to redirect them all the time to the right number as we really cannot help them with their problem.

So I was busy at my desk, breathing and taking one action at a time, when I received a phone call from a person that was calling the wrong number and who it seems I already directed that same day towards the other service. This lady said she had called the other number but she’d had to wait too long and that did not seem normal to her, so she called me back to tell me she did exactly what I told her and still she was not being helped. So I explained again that I am completely unable to assist her and that she really needs to call the other service because I have strictly nothing to do with their service line - so what was fascinating is that instead of hearing me she wants to argue and ‘have a point’ – so I explained to her why she had to wait this long, is because the agents are having many other people on the line at that moment and one simply need to call back a later stage – yet instead of hearing me she starts arguing again about how ‘abnormal’ that is and that she is not being helped, and she’s doing an effort to call us and then she can’t even reach us.

So at that point a friction came up within me where I wanted to say: “look, what do you want me to do?” Which would obviously have started a game of wanting to be right and feeding the conflict. So, instead I took a breath and said: “look, you have to call on the other number later, that is really the only solution.” I also gave her another variation of the same number, which was in essence still the same number and then she stopped trying to convince me and she went off to try again an she did't call me back that day.

So, cool how breath assisted me in not going into an ego energy of ‘power’ which would have created a connflict – but instead was able to act effectively to sort out the problem, and within directing myself and not allowing myself to follow the preprogrammed reaction I was able to direct this woman.

First relationship

2011-01-03T22:11:00.000-08:00

I'm sharing here a piece I wrote as part of preparation for a mindconstruct on relationships in the context of my SRA training.

"So when I was 14 I had a 'relationship' for a week (or less) with a girl.

What was specific about this relationship is that I really did not enjoy the experience of being with her: which I experienced as having to play a role and please her and actually being a toy in a way. I ‘liked’ that she was ’pleasing’ as she was apparently ‘in love’ with me – though I was in conflict with myself because I did not enjoy kissing her. Actually the kissing was the most central point within the relationship (I was not interested in any way whatsoever in who she was) and the belief that I had to kiss as good as possible and fear of disappointing her.

The kissing I experienced as an energetic drain, to which I seemed addicted at the same time because regardless of my actual experience i believed I should at some point get to the point of intensity and ‘passion’ – which never happened. So, after a couple of days I had an experience of disgust towards her and simply wanted to get out of the relationship, because it felt as if I was going to die I if I stayed with her.

How the relationship started is she was hanging around with us more and more and at one time after the others left she asked me if she could receive a kiss from me, which I did, but did not even open my mouth – so she said bluntly: “You have to open your mouth” – to me there was an experience of energy because of ‘what we were doing’ (because of my relationship definitions – “I am now in a relationship, I have a girlfriend!”); yet at the same time I did not specifically enjoy the physical kissing in itself.

With regards to her physical appearance I started experiencing her as extremely ugly the longer I stayed with her. She did not at all fit within the picture in my mind of a ‘beautiful girl’. It seems I only agreed to be with her out of a point of curiosity and because I believed I could not decline ‘a girls offer’ (when she asked me to kiss her – together with the point of curiosity and the belief that I should seize my opportunity of being able to kiss a girl).

So, at one point I started to feel trapped with her – because I did not actually want to be in a relationship with her. I knew I was lying to her ad merely presenting myself a certain way to be able ‘explore sexuality’ though I was not interested in any commitments and I blocked out the moments where she started talking about ‘later’ and if an how we would be seeing each other, were I already decided that will never happen – mostly because within the relationship I was putting up a veil that I did not want her to see through – I did not want her to know me – the ‘actual me’ from the perspective of who I was in my world – and so that I could remain in control and decide the outcome.

Another point is where she pushed the point of sex once – where I said that was not safe to do that (which made sense considering where we were) – yet that was mostly an excuse based on fear that was convenient for me – because I did not want to have sex with her in general, mostly because of shame towards my physicality and my penis in particular that was extensive back then – which would then be fear of disappointing her as well and mostly fear that she would judge me."

So – that’s it for now. I may give more feedback on this, though I now have to get ready for work.

Wrong answer!

2010-12-30T09:07:00.000-08:00

So a couple of weeks ago I was attending the last class this semester for the course 'European law' which is quite an interesting subject and I am glad that I am able to once a week attend this particular class - because I can manage to get there on tuesday evenings right after work.

The point of my clothing would play out here as well - since i would enter the room and in my perception draw some attention due to how I was clothed (suit and tie), which I wondered if they might believe that I am wearing this to please the professor - while for me this was more a point of differentiating msyelf from the students and demonstrate that I am working and generating a stable income and thus that i am superior to everyone in the room - even to the professor because I manage to attend his class after a whole journey of work.

So - quite a fuck up right there.

That in itself was also enrgetically connected, because there was a girl always at the front rows as well whom I would be looking out for because I spoke to her once and because on some occasions I had imagined that she fancied me due to my clothes and my shaved head etc... I was obviously aware of this point, though i had not written this out effectively, which caused me to cycle within this experience.

thus I write specifically from the startingpoint of clearing myself from energetic possessions by calling a spade a spade; and stopping the enslavement towards the energy.

I had a significant reaction the last lesson I attended: the professor was giving examples of questions that had been used in last years exam and everyone was busy taking notes. He would ask the audience what the answer was to this or that particular question and ask fot a raise of hands, as these were simple yes/no questions. At one point he asked a question and I ostensively nodded with my head to make sure everyone would see that I thought the answer to this question was 'yes' - while he then revealed the actual answer was no - lol. I had an actual shame/embarrasment reaction towards this, which is quite interesting because i had not been in such a situation since my time at university 3 years ago.

This is interesting in itself since i am currently busy with an SRA assignment where we are taking apart a mind construct that heavily revolves around 'being seen as intelligent'/'having the right answer' and 'fear of giving the wrong answer'.

I am still in the process of taking that apart - so what I can say thus far: in this context my reaction was actual fear of being seen as stupid - which immediately revealed the extend to which I was acting out of ego. So - when the fear kicked in I supported myself with breathing untill it dissipated, but obviously I was now experiencing the outflows of my actions based in superiority - which now balanced out in inferiority.

So - another example of how one can be enslaved by a polarity system of the mind and remain trapped within it - unless one lay out the whole pattern that is playing out and correct oneself in practical living.

After having done some writing yesterday - I went for a long walk in the evening which I enjoyed extensively as I noticed I was having no energetic reactions whatsoever to woman or girls that crossed my path, as I walked and remained within breath - as if there had been ties cut loose which was quite a freeing experience - so that was cool immediate feedback on the effectiveness of my writing of that day.

Looking at a Dream

2010-12-29T09:05:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had a dream where I am walking around in a shoppingmall-like place to try some clothes (or somehting), and at one point i notice I lost my jacket (the one I mentionned in my post above) which makes me even more nervous in the dream when i realise my wallet is still in the jacket as well. I am about to voice this fear to someone though at that point I realize I created the whole point myself and I decide to not speak and that evenutally I will find my jacket.

At one point I am asking a girl (who works in the shop/place?) to go and look inside a large sportsroom that is full of girls doing sports and where i am not allowed to enter. Eventually I arrive at the entrance of the room myself and I find my jacket hanging somewhere, and I assume the girl must have left it there for me. Then I go into a point of spying into the room because I want to check what the girls are doing and there is an obvious energetic point within that spying that I would say is sex-related.

The spying actually happens as I wait for the 'elevator' which is actually a tramway that is comming up in a staircase-like system, where the stairs have been replaced with rails - so it's like a justification point where it's ok for me to participate in the energy because I'm in an 'in between moment', waiting for the tramway-elevator anyways and 'it just happens that i see these girls' (while in the dream I actually placed myself lying down on top of some structure to get a better sight). The whole place is a bit like a cave inside because of the rough and whobbly texture of the floor upon which the rails are set, and eventually the tram arrive and I either get in or I don't but I remember clearly that i was determined to take the tram but the dream ends there.

So – a clear element is the tramway, because I do in fact take a tramway every day when I go to work. And a point with regards to the tramway I have in real life is where I will doubt whether I will take the tramway or walk to my work (which is only 15 minutes). The considerations I have is: if I walk then I am having a little bit of physical movement, which is good for at least not gaining more weight given that I’m not doing any sports or anything anymore. However with the bad weather it may damage my shoes which cost money and I may then have to buy new ones. Another more neutral consideration is that if it is really cold, I will simply prefer not walking and taking the tramway.

Then inside the tramway there are always many woman/girls where I do have this point of glancing at woman/girls – and the point of my physical appearance comes up prominently and also in relation to the clothes I wear, my tie, my shoes, etc. (And also my cap and the worry that I will be seen as ridiculous with that kind of cap together with the kind of clothes I am wearing). For instance there will be another guy with a suit and a tie waiting for the tram as well and I always have this judgment of: “why can’t he take a car – he’s probably greedy!”. I also have a judgment towards him where I tell myself that I look better than him – lol, because fascinating: because he’s the only guy waiting on the tram with a suit and a tie together with me, while all the rest are more ‘randomly clothed’ and most of them are 12 to 16 year old and simply go to school – I see him as being in competition with me. Competition with regards to our clothes and how ‘elite’ we look: “Damn, he looks more classy than me because I am wearing this cap and he’s actually wearing an expensive hat.” So, to compensate this I tell myself: “Yeah, but he’s more ugly than me !!!!!!”

So – clearly an obsession with wanting to impress woman and younger girls specifically with my clothes and the way I look and wanting to radiate success and stable income.

The fact that in my dream the tramway is actually representing the elevator that comes up in a staircase-like structure – also points towards the elevator I take daily at work. With regards to the elevator I have this questioning of: “should I take the elevator down or should I take the stairs?” (because my work office is at the 10th floor of a building) Here again the ‘reason why’ is that taking the stairs is good because then I have a minimum of physical movement that is good for not gaining weight.

While I’m writing about the elevator I might just as well add this point: in the legal department of the company where I work they have acquired a new person to work there, a woman. The point with her is that she is ‘beautiful looking’, where she has for instance ‘very long smooth hair’ and ‘beautifull eyes’, a skinny face and... big breasts. So once I was waiting for the elevator and she entered the hall as well and I saw she was coming for the elevator as well while I was already inside and ready to go up – so I stopped the doors from closing and she entered the elevator as well. When our eyes met she immediately looked down – which I experienced as strange and it seems I took it personally, as if I am a criminal or an abuser. This point I kept experiencing of her having her reservations about talking to me or looking at me – which I can see now why I reacted, because I did in fact have an energetic experience towards her.

So – this was my dream thus far and what it brought up.

Interesting feedback

2010-12-28T08:07:00.000-08:00

So at work I was having an update meeting some weeks ago with my boss where we discuss my results and we talk about where I am not yet fully effective and where I should improve and what I should consider.

At one point he was explaing to me how one can make sure that you went all the way to close a deal. He said if at a certain stage of the conversation the person chooses to not take your offer and they are not pissed off with you, then you didn't go all the way. If on the other hand you go to such an extent that the person on the other end of the line gets angry and smashes down the phone - then you know you went all the way.

He said: many people have issues with doing this - do you know why?

I said: I guess because they fear being seen as 'bad' and doing somehting 'wrong'.

He said: look at the words you are now using... the day you can go there and don't see yourself as 'bad' or doing somehting 'wrong' - then you will become the most effective possible salesman.

So - this was cool feedback from my boss, where he's basically saying: "fuck morality" and encouraging me to be more ruthless in the system.

So, I highly recommend doing sales to anyone having issues with morality and good and bad - because you will certainly be challenged and also your communication skills will improve extensively.

One vlog a day keeps the docters away

2010-12-27T04:22:00.000-08:00

So - since a while I have been doing vlogs much more regularly ad I have noticed some cool points that opened up.

First of all I really enjoy doing vlogs and what really assisted me is to make vlogs in relation to entertainment such as series, because i noticed I am able to make much more vlogs this way.

Where I used to 'wait' untill an insight/perspective opened up before I would decide to make a vlog, I now direct myself to make vlogs regardless of any special insight -and what I found is that insight will actually open up as I push myself to make vlogs, which is the reverse of what I expected.

So - that's all I have to share about this point.

Enjoy

Self-forgiveness

2010-12-26T21:38:00.000-08:00

So yesterday evening I did an Osho card reading to check why my left pinky was twitching so much and because I had now established that it was not due te ineffective breathing.

Points that revealed:
1. innosence as core issue

With on top of that 'guidance' and 'who I am' wthin the issue was 'control' - which correlated with the pains in both my upper arms

So I did some self-forgiveness based on what came up in that moment - though this morning I see I may have rushed into an idea and missed the point of what the reading is atually signifying...

2. what I attract from the outside = the 'existence' card (not sure what this stands for and I deliberately did not go and read the booklet because of how I abused this very point in the past and I decided to stick to what I can immediately see)

3. Desires/denials: 'creativity'
Normally this card had always represented 'work' - though I consider the work issue to be sorted out sufficiently, so to me it represents creativity and expression because I noticed how I had thoughts/desires when seeing or listening to other peoples songs for instance and I decided I cannot go there (as in creaing a song myself for instance) because I have no time or because I have no right to that

Yet I am unsure if this is a plain denial or if I am to approach the point as a desire - I'll see...

More posts to come...

The Origin of Present-Day Inequality

2010-06-19T03:12:00.000-07:00

When looking at the world of today and looking at the differences that exist between Human beings on earth, one could ask if there is a particular reason as to why a specific ‘race’ or ‘country’ or ‘continent’ ended up holding a more favorable position of ‘power’ in comparison to other ‘races’, ‘countries’, or ‘continents’.

Where through economic principles of debt, entire Nations have ended up being enslaved to western creditors with no way out.

Where entire populations are left to starve without regard from the Western countries.

Where one half of the world is actually working to feed the other half that live in better conditions and enjoy more wealth, health and better education.

Was there a pre-programmed advantage involved? And if so – did it have anything to do with the Human?

Since the times when ‘modern civilization’ came into contact with the ‘forgotten parts’ of the world, the west was faced with a peculiar question: how come populations such as the Aboriginals in Australia had virtually made ‘no progress’ since the Stone-Age?

People of ‘Modern civilization’ saw themselves as superior in knowledge, science and culture – giving them a ‘Divine Right’ to either exterminate, convert or enslave the indigenous populations. Ultimately the reason as to why one part of the world came to hold the more fortunate position is then attributed to the particular evolution of knowledge, science and technology within that society.

This is how history is being taught in schools and how it is recorded in the history books. History books will typically emphasize the superiority of the West in terms of philosophy, religion, science and technology, and they will meticulously trace the ‘evolutions’ thereof. Within that, the core belief of the Western world is reinforced - that knowledge is the actual drive of ‘evolution’, ‘change’ and ‘progress’. Recent historical research has uncovered that this is not so. In fact, the role of knowledge, science, technology, religion and even culture in itself are quite irrelevant factors in the journey of Humanity that has resulted in the extreme inequalities that we witness today.

So, then what are the relevant factors?

The biggest factors that have in fact determined the inequality between and within Human societies of today, are Plants, Animals and Germs.

To place this into perspective we will consider the startingpoint of when – according to the historical record - ‘Human civilization’ started. This is said to be between 13 000 and 10 000 years ago, which is after the beginning of a new climate cycle on earth – where it basically became warmer on earth from that point onwards. (With 'Human Civilization' I refer to a new type of 'living together', thus I'm not talking about the beginning of Humans 'living together' as such, which existed much earlier.)

If we look at the basics of Human Life on earth, we can ask: what do Humans primarily require to be able to exist?

According to ‘standard archeological research’, Human Beings had typically been living as nomadic hunter gatherers, where they would settle and move according to a temporary favorable environment. Studies of hunter gatherers in recent centuries have shown that such people lived in what is termed an ‘egalitarian’ form of social organization. ‘Egalitarian’ implies nothing more than that every member of the group is equally responsible for obtaining food, because otherwise there will simply not be enough for everyone. Hence there will be no ‘social classes’ of any significance in such a small society. Even the one regarded as ‘generally more or most responsible’ looks and lives exactly the same way as every one else, simply because they cannot afford to be or look like ‘more’ than another.

Such societies are typically very limited in their ‘cultural products’, because they moved a lot and their only means of transport was their back.

To put it extremely simplistically there existed two basic types of human societies: nomadic hunter gatherers and sedentary farmers. It is quite relevant to make that distinction because all the current societies that are regarded as ‘more advanced’ originated from sedentary farmer societies. So the ‘step’ from the hunter gatherer type of society to sedentary farmers appears to be the decisive ‘step’ in the course of Human history. The history of Farming is said to have started 10 000 years ago - thus marking the beginning of 'Human civilization'.

Let’s look at this point then.

What changes had occurred as a result of humans becoming sedentary farmers?

What generally happens is the following: at one point on the band / tribe will find a vegetable that it can cultivate in a controlled area of soil, which will cause the available food resources to increase. Everywhere where the circumstances have allowed for it man has discovered that he could manipulate certain plants to become suitable for cultivation. A direct consequence of a heightened food production is that the population will be able to grow and a situation will emerge in which some are discharged of their food producing duties. A new ‘class’ is able to emerge. In all societies where farming occurred, hierarchy and social stratification have resulted from it. It seems to be part of the Human program.

Simplistically, inventions such as ‘writing’, ‘the wheel’ and ‘metallurgy’ could only arise in societies where such a thing as ‘free time’ existed, allowing for (some) humans to ‘explore reality’ and to ‘play around’ as part of a new ‘specialized activity’ pertaining to a ‘specialized class’. Thus, farming allowed for heightened food production, which led to population increases, which in turn led to a class emerging that is able to completely be free from food related duties.

Thus agriculture layed the foundation for modern society, in which many are able to never in their lives have to be concerned with food-production. In terms of practical living, farmer-societies would develop a higher level of effectiveness than hunter gatherers. So then why didn’t everyone on earth become farmers?

For farming to really be worth the trouble one needed two things: an effective vegetable and a big mammal to assist with muscle power.

There exist round about 200 000 wild plant species on earth (including non-edible ones, such as trees). Of those 200 000 wild plant species only a few hundreds had been successfully domesticated and of those hundreds only a few dozen are used in today’s world for world-wide production. What does that imply? It means that Human societies did not necessarily have access to effective vegetables for domestication and food production. Within that, bear in mind that none of the vegetables we eat today existed as such in nature: they were genetically modified through a long processes of domestication thousands of years ago. That no significant new plants have ever been domesticated in modern times, suggests that humans did explore all available possibilities already in ancient times. That gives us a pretty sober picture as to the apparent ‘abundance’ of the earths ‘natural resources’.

The big mammals that were used could be seen as the first ‘machines’, with the sole difference that this ‘machine’ wasn’t ‘invented’ and build by the human, but simply existed and walked around in humans natural environment. All Humans had to do was to capture the thing. Though such mammals weren’t readily available anywhere. In fact, very few mammals have ever been available that allowed for effective domestication. (To establish a clear definition, Domestication = an animal bred in captivity, with controlled feeding and breeding, as opposed to ‘taming’ which is capturing an animal born in the wild)

Having a big domesticated mammal constituted quite a big ‘advantage’ because in addition of it offering superior muscle power, it also was a source of fertilizer, a means of transport, a source of meat and some could also produce milk. Mammals were especially utilized to pull plows which allowed for an exponential increase in the surface that could be sown, instead of having to put the grains in the soil manually.

Now, amongst the 148 big herbivorous mammals, only 14 ever proved to be effective for domestication.
- To begin with, one must be able to feed the animal (consider that the biggest percentage of all the grains in the world today are being used as food for cattle).
- The animal must have a fast enough growth rate.
- It must be willing to mate in captivity (which many mammals don’t ever).
- The animal must have a genetic disposition. For instance, while horses had been successfully domesticated in Eurasia, African zebra’s were – and are still today – impossible to domesticate. The animal simply does not submit to the Human. And this goes for all the big mammals of the African continent, such as rhinos, hippos, buffaloes, elands… etc.

Much research, money and effort has been directed towards increasing the amount of domesticated species in modern times – it has virtually amounted to nothing. This suggests pre-programmed conditions in nature, leading to outflows of inequality.

From that perspective different people on different continents simply did not have an equal startingpoint: certain environments allowed for more possibilities than others, either offering the Human ‘many opportunities’ or either limiting him to an extreme degree.

For instance, after the time Humans firs set foot on the Australian continent some 10 000’s of years ago, all big mammals that existed there, went extinct. The same happened in Native America: by the time of the arrival of humans, all big mammals – except for the llama and the closely related alpaca – were either hunted to extinction or perished through the climate shift.

With everything discussed so far, a pattern has now emerged. South America had just one domesticable specie, while North America, Australia, and Sub-Saharan Africa had none. In contrast the remaining 13 mammal species all existed on the Eurasian continent (including North Africa), because the natural environments there were more supportive of those species. Merely by determining the spread of these animals, the course of history already became predictable.

Obviously once a particular technique of food production had been found, that method was then able to spread to other peoples/societies – crops and animals could be used outside of the area where the method was first ‘discovered’. Though here again the environments played a decisive role.

If one look at the size and the orientation of the big landmasses of the earth, one will notice that there are differences. For instance the American and the African continents have a smaller surface than Eurasia. If we then look at the orientation of the landmasses we see that America and Africa both have a vertical orientation on the map. The vertical distance between the two remotest points of the continent is called the ‘north-south axis’. Eurasia has a very broad horizontal orientation, which is termed a ‘west-east axis’.

Why is this relevant? It has to do with the climate differences on the different latitudes of the Earth, such as the Equator. These latitudes run horizontally across the globe – on maps this is depicted as horizontal strokes. This implies that on a landmass with a large horizontal axis, the longest distance of that landmass will find itself laying entirely within one latitude or climate. Hence Plants and Animals that are able to live on one area within one latitude, will most likely be able to live in other areas within that same latitude.

However with Africa and America – because of the vertical orientations – the landmasses are more ‘divided’ by different latitudes. One merely need to consider the desert on the equator in Africa, nearly ‘cutting off’ the upper and the lower halfs of the continent from each other. Thus different latitudes will ‘cut up’ the continent, making transfer of Animals and Plants along a vertical axis more difficult. Let’s illustrate this with a practical example: for instance, while the llama existed as a domesticated animal in South America – and while a type of wheel had been invented in Mexico – the two never met. As a consequence of this, the wheel never got any practical application other than being used for small toys. The two area’s were ‘cut off’ from each other through the climate barrier of Central America.

Another point is that one cannot randomly move a Plant from one location on the globe to another. For instance, plants have pre-programmed time-cycles. If one moves a plant with a particular time-cycle from one area on the globe to another area where the days are shorter, the plant will not be able to survive. Similarly, Animals that have become resistant to the germs that live in one particular climate, will become sick in a new climate with new germs. So Animals and plants are bound to their climatic environments, limiting their ‘free movement’.

So from that perspective the Eurasian continent has had the ‘most favorable’ conditions, allowing for the widest and fastest spread of domesticated Animals and Plant-crops. On top of that Eurasia has been the continent with the most available domesticable big mammals in fact. Thus by its very conditions, the Eurasian continent was more supportive of the Human.

Let’s now finally turn to the subject of Germs.

Why would Germs be so important?

When the Spanish conquerors invaded Native America, they had many points that ‘helped’ them in having a certain advantage over the Native people: they possessed fire-arms, were mounted on horses, were protected by metal armors and had metal swords, though they were not in great number. The Spanish killed, conquered and converted many of the natives – but the majority was in fact killed by Germs which the Europeans had brought from overseas. So the cause of the near extinction of the Native Americans was not due to the Conquerors, but the Viruses. So who really conquered America?

Though, where did these germs come from and why didn’t the Native American Germs kill the Spanish instead?

It seems the Europeans got their Germs from their mammals.

In the process of living together with their Animals, farmers took over their Germs and overtime they build a resistance towards these Germs. Amongst the diseases that have been traced to cattle-germs are: the measles, smallpox and tuberculosis.

A second origin of new diseases was the growth of populations in itself due to sedentary living. Because what happens with sedentary living: groups of people start living in their own sewage, causing many bacteria to infiltrate the drinking water. Thus the bigger the populations, the more Germs. Cities typically have had to deal with epidemics. The building of underground sewage systems was the first point that allowed to really break the pattern. And only till the beginning of the 20 th century did European cities become self-sustaining in terms of their populations, whereas before a constant inflow of healthy farmers from the outside was required to compensate for deaths due to crowd diseases.

Another point that has benefited the Germs in Eurasia was the trading routes. Since they were build in Roman times, a more easy transfer to the different parts of the continent became possible. So now the populations of North Africa, Europe and Asia became one large breeding ground for microbes.

Obviously none of these points were ‘intended’ or even understood.

Thus we could push the point even further and ask whether it is really the peoples of Modern civilization that ended up dominating the globe at all. From a certain perspective it is the germs that are dominating the globe. Perhaps that’s why scientists call groups of microbes ‘Microbe-Cultures’ ?

Let’s have a look at how germs operate.

Some will enter the organism and will then start modifying the organism so as to develop what from a human perspective are ‘symptoms’ or ‘side-effects’ of the actual disease. Though from the Germs perspective: this modification of the body is what allows him to spread more effectively.

Some examples.

Influenza, common cold and ‘whooping cough’ microbes induce the human to cough or to sneeze, thereby launching a cloud of microbes towards potentially new hosts.

The cholera bacterium induces massive diarrhea allowing the bacteria to spread through the water supply of which many will drink.

Then there is the rabies virus that on top of getting in the saliva of an infected dog, will drive the dog into a frenzy of biting and thereby spreading the virus.

Other bacteria will induce genital infections to spread through the human act of sex.

From that perspective it becomes difficult to ignore that more advanced species than the Human exist in fact on earth. It is even becoming more and more uncertain whether the human will be able to adapt to the evolution-speed of new emerging diseases. They have been with the human since day one, and while the human’s genetics haven’t changed since the beginning, the germs have been mutating incessantly.

So – within establishing why The Western world has ended up having such an advantage over other continents and peoples, we have found that Human beings have had very little say in their particular destinies. There has in other words been no real directiveness from the Human within his own history, because if one really look at it – as soon as certain conditions were in place the human would start acting in a predictable pattern. At all times the human has been directed by fear, greed and the desire for power. Nothing ‘revolutionary’ has ever happened other than the human acting out his program, which has resulted in the world we see today.

So why have Human beings never applied common sense to their reality?

For instance, with the technology, the resources, the producing-capacity and the knowledge that exists today, one could easily end things like starvation and poverty forever – allowing for every human on earth to live a dignified life from Birth to Death. That would be common sense, because then there would be no more unnecessary suffering through things like war, exploitation and other behaviors that are based on inequality.

Remember that ultimately, the ‘position’, ‘status’ and ‘power’ one currently hold in this reality is a result of conditions that existed on earth 10 000 years ago – and that it has very little to do with one’s individual capacity. It was instead pre-programmed through the unequal conditions of the earth. This implies that equality should be considered, because otherwise humanity will eternally remain a slave of the past. There is no intrinsic reason why Humans should keep ‘following’ the pre-programmed path of inequality that has been set out since the beginning. Therefore all the suffering that is occurring as a result of it – is completely unnecessary and it can actually be ended. It only requires the will to do so and with the possibilities that are currently available, humanity has really no more excuse.

It’s time to stop.

A vivid Dream

2009-11-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

i had a dream where i saw someone from sa - andrew - singing a song

he stood in a box with colorfull artwork in the background and i myself was not 'there' - although i was 'seeing' what was happening - so i was just experiencing andrew in a blue costume and with his hair neatly brushed standing in front of a micro singing a song (rock and roll style) on music that was from Matti - and i remember being 'concerned' over the the music not being 'right' or not being of good enough audio quality to make the performance into something 'professional'- it was like a complete act, how everything was put together, to have a real performance

My first impression is simply: this is related to ego - though further than that its not clear - i've looked at 'fame' desires etc but in writing this out what stands out most is this thing with the music - and in the dream itself what stood out was the intensity of the artwork that was in the backgound like extremely colourfull - and also this expereince of andrew being a professional 'star' - and the way andrew was singing in a very 'pepped up' way

im in a phase atm where im feeling shitty most of the time and like i want to stand up but something pulls me back - so i keep doing the stuff that i see are directly usefull but its also an escape to not be self-intimate - so i keep going back to the video's i make and because i'm not stopping i end up comparing and judging everything and getting lost in that -

so, with the dream - i'm highly resisting it - what do i show myself? the concern and value i place in the detail and giving that all the worth. obviously i asked myself: why andrew? he represents what? the being accomplished, the natural artist,

perhaps the dream just shows me what i'm really giving attention to: personal gain - forcing things, overdoing it, ok thats all for the moment

Stealing

2009-10-01T12:03:00.001-07:00

i was participating in a sport-camp, (i was between 8 and 10) together with a friend from my class, and one day we had an event at a school, where everyone was playing outside and someone had left her bag somewhere on the floor near a wall while playing - so me and the other guys, we were 3 or 4, were curious and saw an opportunity to simply take the bag and look what was inside; there was money in it and we took it - so we basically stole from another child

this was very exciting to us, to share this secret crime - like: wow, i cannot believe we did this!

So, another day - or was it the same day? - at the same location, same scenario. We noticed again a bag lying there, again near a wall, while everyone was busy playing. its interesting, because there was no need for money, to steal it, - or was there? i don't remember if i had pocket-money, but i don't think so - i just had my food and drinks from home, which i perceived as being less fortunate than the kids who actually received money from their parents. Anyways, we got greedy and went for the bag - though, this time we got caught: the bag was a trap - it was placed there on purpose as 'bait'. So we bit.

We were brought before the adults that were responsible - i had great fear, and was looking for possible lies i could tell to denie i had taken the monay from the previous bag, for which they had no actual proof - though my schoolfriend stupidly said: 'i didn't take the money - and i don't care about it, so here you can have my money.' Obviosuly the teacher/adult asked: 'then why do you offer to give your money?' - I was like: damn, now we're fucked and realised i could not avoid the consequences - mostly i feared my parents being told i had stolen something (imagine: their son already engaging in criminal activity! - that would have been beyond the 'bad' things i did at home for which i would receive very harsh punishments.) But 'fortunately for me' they didn't tell our parents - but the kids that had set up the trap kept keeping an eye on us as those that could not be trusted, and gave us meaningfull looks as we would arrive in the mornings at sports-camp: this was particularly painfull, and allmost a reason to not come anymore - suddenly being the 'scum' - it was interesting to expereince, because being 'the bad guy' didn't fit with my self-image very well - i was like: stop rubbing it in my face, can we please forget and pretend nothing happened? the shame-expereince was interesting: i wasn't feeling shame about what i had done, but because of how people saw me - if i would have gotten away with it, i would have seen the act as completely justified and a great expereince

don't remember what happened afterwards

i did experience myself as less than other children when it came to money (second time i write 'moeny') - not having money to spend, even though my needs were taken care of, i could not buy the extra's the others had acces to and felt less than - allmost like an experience of 'poverty'. This was simply because this was the regime at home: you don't give money easily to a child, even though my parents certainly never had financial problems and were actually just as elite as any middle-class. 'A child cannot handle money.' so if there was no explicit nessecity for me to need money ('because our parents provided us everything'), there was no reason to give me any. So this explains my curiosity towards money - i don't remember when exactly but at one point we started receiving 'our sunday': a very small amount of pieces (20 franks) which we were allowed to save - i asked for this because i saw it on television, that it existed, so therefore i asked my mom, if we could have the same system at home - so from then on we each had our 'spaarpot' (savings-pot) in which we collected our weekly coins. It took years before the amount of money saved in this way amounted to anything: after two years, i had maybe 1000 or 2000 franks of my own, which i probably spend on toys if on anything, but i remember being extremely cautious on how and if i will spend this moeny (!) because of how extremely long it had taken me to save that amount of money (for a working adult it takes perhaps 4-7 hours labour to collect this sum, if they have the minimum wage).

i also remember running upstairs before i would go to art-class in the weekends, to put some coins into a pocket in my hat, with which i would buy a little bag of chips. So, one day while leaving the house with my father, my hat fell of my head or something and the coins rolled out - because i felt i needed to hide the fact i was spening the 'precious money i was given' on bags of chips, as if the money wasn't really my own - this i also expereinced when being in zwitserland - i wrote about this in a blogpost a while back ( http://gabrielietsanders.blogspot.com/2 ... ained.html ) - where i was for the first time in my life trusted with a considerable amount of money (swiss franks) - becasue parents were advised to give a minimum sum of money to the chidren.

It was known that eventually at the end of our stay we would be allowed to visit a swiss shop to 'spend our money' - and everyone did indeed spend all their money, - but i didn't buy one thing for myself, because of feeling it wasn't really my mondy (!!) to spend, only buying stuff for my family, and then 'bragging' about what a good person i was, because look, i placed others before me. So - i spend the money, because i felt i had to and becuse i knew i couldnt keep it anyways on return, so i bought some stuff for the family and gave back the spare swiss franks to my parents.

This remins me of the bible-story of the merchant and his three sons - where each son is given 'talents' (money). One son receives 1 talent, the others one 2, the third one 3. Then the merchant leaves them and asks to be given the talents back upon return. The sons who received the 2 and 3 talents invested those in a bussyness-like manner and made profit seperately. The son with the one talent burried his one talent in fear of wasting it, to ensure he would be able to return the money.
Upon return the merchant is given the talents back he gave to the suns, plus the profit they made on it - and he speaks good words of these suns who invested their talents and made profit. The one sun who 'humbly' returns the one talent he burried - is judged in the story as being the stagnant one, who didn't dare to take a risk and who actually acted out of self-interest.

To me this 'morality' - when hearing this story - was like 'backwards'. I didn't relate at all: to me the self-interest was in those who had risked to lose all the money that was not theirs, through investing it in bussyness. To me, the one who burried his talent, was the one making the right/responsible descision.

ok - dinner time

horses, drawing

2009-09-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

a point emerged related to drawing - i went to see a horse program on tv and a sudden fear crept on me - when a man was commenting on one of the horse boys: "he's not doing his best, he knows he must progress now but he doesn't" - first i related this fear to perhaps me not directing myself in this very situation i was in, but then i realised this was not so and it has to do with the drawing point.

i said to my mom: this makes me think about how i would draw horses. And she said: 'yes, salvator (an uncle) showed/thaught you how to draw a horse and then you just kept drawing horses.' this was a strange revelation, i had forgotten about: to me the drawing had begun because i thought of animals as beautifull. So within my mother saying this, stuff came up of how i actually indeed only copied animals from books, not really drawing from what i could see with my eyes 'in the world'. I remember having a slight aversion when initially having to draw 3D stuff - this was quite prominent - i just wasn't interested in how 3D looked like.

There seems to have been a break from where i would only and purely copy images from books - nothing else, i didn't even consider to go draw 'somehting of the world'- at art school this point was 'challenged' and critisized: "thats not expression, (copying) - you must draw 'real things in the wordl', that is 'real drawing' - otherwise you are not real."
im wondering - did i stop to enjoy drawing because of how i was told to draw ? - i remember being so bored at the weekend art-classes because to me that was not drawing how i enjoyed it and to me it was bullshit really - so i would participate an hour and the rest of the day i'd be doing nothing, because i simply didn't enjoy doing what the others were doing, how they defined 'creativity' - apparently i was not creative - and the whole endeavour and my life related to art continued in this same frustration, because i didn't see myself as creative, but 'merely copying' - and feeling i was not making any progress

this being another point where i wasn't interested in physical reality - even when i'd go to the zoo or see 'real animals' i would not be 'impressed' or affected to the extend where i would see a picture and immediately wanting to copy the image because of how awesome the form was. To me physiacl reality was formless - it wasn't made to be drawn. Id see phisical reality as 'less' than the pictures i saw - seeing the pictures as the actual cool thing, my first point of interest.

basically what i expereinced with masturbation is pretty similar - enjoying the pictures but being unable to enjoy and actual physical body at all.

the pictures were the real form - while the physical was merly a shadow of that - this reminds me of when i actually once got aroused by seeing a woman (on no other occasion did this happen) - i was working in Ikea and this tall lady walked in wearing a red dress, long hair, high heels if i remember well ( not sure ) - but basicaly the incarnated woman in red from the matrix, to the point where i couldn't believe this being i saw with my eyes actually existed and was walking there right in front of me. She was like a 'picture made alive'. On no other occasion did i ever expereince this with seeing a woman - it was allmost 'too much' for my system.

songs

2009-09-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

today i was writing and a song 'emerged' within me from axelle red:

"sensualité..."

and another song

"i'll kill her..." - so i'm wondering what the point is

i arranged to meet two people tomorrow near 'my university' - interesting word-placement

the song came up and in my body a movement, like a compound effect that starts like tensions - the song been here for couple days

yesterday my mom showed me pictures of people in sa, i reacted to some, but i wasn't aware, mostly to girl pictures - not sexually though (really?)

what is interesting is that these points are here, yet they need to compound for me to actually get it - i will walk around for days with one mind-demon trying to sort out what im expereincing through body responses on pains in the body, untill i unexpectedly see what its about

with pictures that come up related to pains

ok im done

another song was 'army dreamer...' - from kate bush

- perhaps its a mindfuck

- perhaps im not getting it

- anyways ill see

from nothing back to nothing

2008-12-03T06:51:00.000-08:00

what can be observed about death in this world?

That beings DIE and they are no more, they no longer exist - and then new beings are born who seem to come out of nowhere

How was life controlled on earth?

Through hopes and beliefs about what death actually represents

Beings would speak of a White Light, when having near death-expereinces and expereince themselves floating 'out of their bodies'

Through these and other accounts, perceptions were created - that apparently there exists something 'greater'

Human beings have allways remained in the belief that they cannot possibly be deceived about DEATH

but look, we come in this world and we don't know who the fuck we are

Then we live our lives, knowing that one day we will die

This are the only facts we have

Yet, we have claimed that we could not be deceived,

pretending to know what is going on in this existence

Based on what?

On a STORY ?

On good luck?

Have we ever been honest about death?

Why we really fear it ?

Have a look...

What do we know about death ?

Beings seem to disappear, to vanish from existence and this is called death

And then there are all the new beings that are born into this world - they seem to appear out of nothing

So, in death we return to NOTHINGNESS

and out of NOTHINGNESS the new are born in this world...

how INTERESTING

Would it not make sense that in death ALL and EVERYTHING that you have believed yourself to be within this world, is LOST ?

Would it not make sense that what we have designed ourselves to be as human beings in this world

is actually NOT REAL ?

declining a blowjob and more...

2008-11-05T22:18:00.000-08:00

i had a dream where i was peeing - it looked like i was in my old student building - in a sink and a girl (a former neighbor from when i was a kid - wtf was she doing there !) appeared next to me and while i continued peeing, she asked me if i could help her with something, implying i would have to come with hr to her room - a casual thing she couldn't do by herself alone - and because i didn't immediately responded, she added:"I can give you a blowjob too." and she was looking at my penis - and i started getting excited by the idea and considering it, but then LO and BEHOLD, i declined because i experienced being directed by something separate from me, the arousal that was kicking in. she also said something that i had a beautifull penis or something, which is interesting, because the day before i did sf on the point of seeing the real phisicality as imperfect (in terms of how it looks and the odor of it) and pictures of bodies as perfect

so nothing happened in that particular dream

but then i woke up with wet pants anyways - whats that for ? though wet pants is the tactic my body uses to get me out of bed (to wake up) after i had enough sleep, yes it happens a LOT of times

did i have another dream or something? i don't even remember

so, because i woke up at three in the morning i decided to take a bath and wait for the sun to come up, i fell asleep for short moments in the bath though, and then i go t out after some dilemma - (the last point where i fell asleep, i was lying on my left side, totally uncomfortable, because i "wanted to roll myself sideways" - such mindbullshit) - so then i had breakfast: kellogs with sugar. this was a cool cange because i do every morning the same (brown bread with whatever on it, mostly cheese and mustard - allways actually)

yesterday we started watching V for vendetta and i totally fell asleep it was not even 21 h when we started watching. at one point i woke up in the sofa and i thought bernard was talking to me, but he was actually talking to the portal who was sitting behind me, i felt shaken because he said: "NOT EFFECTIVE" - with his eyes piercing in my direction - and in my sleepy confusion i thought he was saying i was ineffective in staying awake, so i started sitting straight and all and keeping my eyes open, but off course i immediately fell asleep again

i woke up again when the film was done - i was like, hmmm, thats deep sleep and went off to bed - so i slept some two hours in the couch already which caused me to wake up at 3 am in the morning

before v for vendetta we watched another film about a guy who totally fucks up - that was cool for a change, like he makes the one fuck up after the other and everybody gets killed except him

how i allowed money to influence and control me

2008-10-23T00:59:00.000-07:00

how i compromised myself with regards to money

i allways have been telling a story about why i stopped drawing and how i would then start witing - having still many idea's about this

but what i could see yesterday, is that it was because of money

i was in fear that if i wasn't good enough, i would never be able to make money out of my drawings

i seemed to believe and take for granted that with my drawings i could make a lot of money, but in order for this to be true i believed i had to be the best - what happened is i met people in my life that proved to me that i wasnt the best, far from it - i started seeing myself as an averge drawer amongst the real talents, and they had it all together: obviously those guys would make money

so when people would start critisizing my drawings (not iteresting/original enough), it wasnt merely a blow to my ego, but also it destroyed my wish an hope that i woud be ale to make money out of my drawings - so i develloped an anger towards art, seeing it as worthless and totally useless

what motivated me to start and continue writing, was people giving me much credit for te stories i wrote - i was at the time reading the one book after the other from a belgian/flemish writer (herman brusselmans), who basically lived from writing his books and would in his autobiographical novels describe his lifestyle, which stirred my imagination tremedously. i wanted the same thing: writing to make money and not needing to have a job, apart from the writing, to sustain me.

so what needed to happen was: one summer i had spend all my days in writing a novel - it wasnt my first 'attempt', but this time i had the entire storyline figured out and i only needed to actually write it - and i already had received 'positive support'on this particular 'novel to be' which hade made me totally believe this time it would be it. this time i would actually publish a book and i would get famous enough to make me money. so what happened was at one point i send the novel to two people (not finished yet) - different people than those who had given me the 'good support' - and they both reacted in disappointment. i felt torn in the core of my being and i abandoned the project. my hope was now defintely dead - i disnt see 'a way out' for a while, as in: how will i now SURVIVE in this world - i resented work, so for me to have to actually take a job was worse than death.

so neither the drawing nor the writing i did for me, so it was interesting that the few tims i actually wrote something cool, it had been from a more innocent (with regards to the money desire) startingpoint, for instance in an email to someone, with not even the intention of keeping or saving what i wrote - interstingly enough i could not repeat this, because of the compromise in my startingpoint: the desire to eventually make money out of everything i wrote

so the soil from which i was attempting to create, was fear - fear that one day i would have no money

SELF Forgiveness

2008-10-06T10:12:00.001-07:00

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define ‘self’ as the individual self

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this world as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this reality as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this entire physically manifested earth as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define this entire consciousness existence as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define humanity as separate from me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not see that self is ALL as ONE as EQUALL as what is and exist HERE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and understand that HERE is Self as ALL as EQUALL as ONE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think this world is greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the world as separate from me and see it as greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the universe as separate from me and see it as greater than me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as separate and powerless and lost as ‘ a part of existance’

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize there ARE NO PARTS OF EXISTANCE and ALL IS EQUALL AS ONE HERE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe separation is REAL

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to remain separate but thjis is impossible and purte denial as I am ALREADY HERE as all as equall as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize separation does not exist

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize individuals don’t exist

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to LIVE myself as my own principle as LIFE as who I am as ALL as EQUALL as one as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe I can stop existing

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to never realize I who I am can NEVER stop existing

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that all is ME

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up as all as equall as one

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see standing up as me – as the separate individual standing up within the multidude of existence

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe differences exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think appearances exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think the mind exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think multitude exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think diversity exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself §to believe competition exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that power exist as a fragment of this reality

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think different realities exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that fragmentation exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that parts exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe power can be experienced within this reality

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that power is when ALL is LIVED as ONE and EQUALL as ONE – as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that power is when ALL stand and LIVE as ALL as EQUALL as ONE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see the mind is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the unified field is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize separation is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that perceptions are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that personality is totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that thoughts are totally asurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ‘living your own life as an individual’ is a lie and totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to bullshit myself and to actually buy into the illusions of the mind that only knows of fear and fear and fear and self preservation

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see the ESSENCE is ALL as EQUALL as ONE as LIVED as ONE as all as EQUALL HERE

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that mysery is absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that if all IS one as equall than hiding is absurd – because who am I even hiding from ?

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to make a picture in my mind of oneness and equality – not realizing that ALL is HERE as ALL as EQUALL as HERE as everything that IS

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ONLY all as equall as ONE is REAL

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that fear is totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that anxiety isd totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed msyelmf to realize that desires are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that memories are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that SURVIVING is TOTALLY ABSURD

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that definitions are fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that believing in god is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that HOPING is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that identities are totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that who I have perceived myself to be as ‘apart and an element of this world is beyond fokking absurd

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that what I thought myself to be is as absurd as absurd can be

I forgive myself that I have never – ever allowed myself to for a moment even see that anger is – wow – totally absurd

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize that relationships are totally absurd and a totall fuck up

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize and see that ‘being lost’ is totally absurd and cannot possibly be real

WTF

2008-09-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

im weird

like confused about all the stuff i heard about sa

many shit going on with people - im also angry a bit because it seems some people have flatly deceived themselves

like what the fok have they been doing?

also im like the only one holding back with my father atm - i have fuck all to say to my mother

she is just messing around deceiving everyone doing self forgiveness

i have still pains going on in my intestins

people go - oh why should i even stop my mind?

wtf is even wrong with it?

people speak fokking cheap and easy words - real hero's but doing NOTHING

oh my little world !

oh i will lose thius or this ! - oh someone got angry with me- i cannot take it - oh let me sit here in self pitty in my PIT of PITTY where i spit on myself

i rather NOT exist than have a glimse of what it is to LIVE - I rather smile than cry the dirt out of my SElf - i rather look ok than to break down and others see i AM NOT EVEN REAL

what will it TAKE ? - what will it take for all to see you are NOT REAL ? WILL YOU WAIT UNTILL YOU ARE FOKKING DEAD? WILL YOU STAND UP IN THE DIMENSIONS ? OH I RATHER DO FOKKING NOTHING AND JUST FOKKING OBSERVE !!!!!!

WHAT A FOKKING DISGRACE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to all those who dont even bother - FOK YOU - GO MASTURBATE IN YOUR DREAMWORLD

conscioussness

2008-09-19T03:54:00.000-07:00

ok im pissed?

why?

too much thoughts driving me UP THE WALL

this moring too many shit came up and i could deal with it, but now i feel like shit

secrets is one point - i dont want to let go of secrets, fokking bastard

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to hide stuff from people

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel guilty over having secrets

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to not trust myself and judge myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to rather keep some stuff to myself and handle it off secretly because i fear what others might think

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist in a public way and a secret way

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to participate in secrets as secret thoughts and desires

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear people seeing my shit going on for real

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be ashamed of my blog and what i wrote on it because of what people may see me for

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to constantly compare to others - wondering if im not behind or somethging in process, wondering if i didnt miss a transcendence somewhere that makes me less than this person

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel restrained within msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to supress msyelf for the sake of others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as doing the same as others - going along with the fokking crowd - so they wouldnt feel weird about what they're doing

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to compromise in the presense of my mother because of fear of hurting her feelings

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take crap from my mother and define this being as my mother who i owe respect

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take crap from my fathr because he is my father and i therefore owe him repsect

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as hiding myself - what i see in others as what they're actually doing - and remain silent about it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define respect as letting things pass to not hurt people's feelings

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to never trust myself and respect msyelf as all life equally - all equall and no exceptions

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to want to be the exception

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need to be diffrerent

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel i can keep bullshitting myself without consequence

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel unsecure

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel totally insecure about writing sf on this blog right here

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to feel stupid

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as stupid

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to present myself as stable as a presentation - not real so therefore it has to go bye bye

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to have interests for me my selfish alone

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think that who i am is the secrets i keep and consist off

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to consist of secrets

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to keep stuff hidden to others as msyelf out of shame and embarrassement

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let msyelf be tricked by secrets

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to present msyelf in a way to others - so if they believe this presentation - i can become it !

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not evens ee this presentation is an illusion

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to feel scared because i quit smoking and now all seems to come up

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear i cannot handle msyelf

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be angry at myself and blaming myself for being 'too slow' and not 'fast enough' and not 'effective enough'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think i must 'improve'

i forgive msyelf that i hav e allowed msyelf to believe in improvement

i forgive msyelf that i hav eallowed myself to hate to let go

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to rather cling on to my deceptions than give them up because 'ive never been there'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not trust msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need another to let go of everything first, before i will consider or try to do the same

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to wait for others to transcend the illusion so that i can see 'if its safe'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not trust myself as what is here and fear msyelf because i dont know myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to love some people and hate others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to admire some people and despise others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to like some people and dislike others

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to find some people amusing and enteratining and others not

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to find some people interesting and others boring

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to find some people beautifull and others ugly

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to build msyelf an apparent foundation of stability and now im fokked

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think im fokked

i forgive msyelf that i hav e allowed msyelf to feel this process is going nowhere because it seems to only get harder and harder

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to for one second believe this process is easy - a piece of cake - and then manifest the opposite

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to have a perception that i'm doing great at process

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not really and actually consider all as equall as one - but only play games

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to never consider all as equall - but rather take thsi reality for granted, as how i have known it

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take murder for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take rape for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take education for granted

i forgive myself that i have a llowed msyelf to take schools for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take governemnts for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take enslavement for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take suffering for granted

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take secrets and hidden stuff dor granted

i forgive myself that i hav eallowed msyelf to take hiding out of fear for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to take asking persmission for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to take the law for granted

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to take my thoughts for granted - to take consiousness itself for granted

i forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to judge consciousness as bad or evil or wicked

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate myself from consciousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to fear standing one and equall with and as consiousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to blame everything on consciousness and still take no responsiblity - there is no half way

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not even realize consciousness is my very allowed nature as what i have allowed - me myself - to become

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to be saddned by this, because i thought i was 'moving away from' consciousness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to place all my nastyness in consiousness - as seperate from myself

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to realize and acknowledeg i have only existed as conscioussness and nothing else - making msyelf believe through perceptions that i stand close to life

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not accept conscioussness as msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyefl to realize consciousness IS self

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate myself from consciousness beacsue i fear my own demonic nature

i forgive myself that i have not allowed msyelf to see this reality is manifested consciousness and life does not exist - i am no exception - this is one and equall for all

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to want to be the exception or better than consciousness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as more than consciousness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as supereior to consciousness and systems

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i am more than constructs and systems - this IS a system/construct

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to feel im better than consciousness because i apply self forgiveness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to be acknolegded becasue of this realization - as knowledge

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to want to be Ak-no-leg-ed before i have even lived my realisations as one with msyelf a who i am and proven to myself that i stand as what i speak

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from enslavement and think that i am apparently better than enslavement

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from abuse and think i am better than abuse

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from rape and think i am better than rape

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from death and think im better and more than death

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from famine and hunger and believe i am more than hunger

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from belief and religion and think im more and better than it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from starvation and think this will never happen to me because i am simply more and better than starvation

kk

friendly people - yay

2008-09-06T00:54:00.000-07:00

hi

about friendlyness and friendly people

my boss gave me a call at home to ask me if he could switch around some hours and because he sounded calm and friendly i said 'sure' but i found out now i have to work 10 hours on monday - which is long, he told me from this time to this time, but i was like whatever and didnt really hear that part clearly and i didnt expect he would give me 10 hours so i didnt ask - busted

this is prominent at work - dealing with peoples friendlyness, i was alreasy seeing the dishonesty and something is majorly off the hook with friendlyness, - so i can thank my boss for making me see the point

friendlyness = manipulation

im done being friendly

dutch sf - 'dommerik'

2008-08-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mijzelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben, omdat ik mij vergeleek met anderen en door de ogen van anderen oordeelde dat ik een dommerik ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn door de ogen van papa over mijzelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben een 'imbecil', omdat ik iets niet wist of omdat ik iets 'verkeerd gedaan heb'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten over mezelf te oordelen dat wie ik ben een dommerik is, omdat ik iets verkeerd gedaan heb of iets niet wist of een 'slecht antwoord gegeven heb'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn mij te vergelijken met anderen op basis va onze punten op school en dan over mijzelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben als ik slechtere punten heb als anderen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mijzelf te oordelen dat ik beter ben dan anderen omdat ik denk dat ik meer weet dan hen, omdat ik intelligenter ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over alle mensen te oordelen dat ze dom zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over andzeren als mezelf te oordelen dat het dommerikken zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben wanneer ik het antwoord ergens niet op weet

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben als ik iets niet weet, of als ik iets vergeten ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat als ik meer weet over iets dan iemand anders dan ben ik meer als die persoon

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben door de ogen van de voetbal-opa's omdat ik iemand op de 'verkeerde manier getakkeld had'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben wanneer ik niet weet wat te zeggen en omdat ik geloof dat er iets gezegd moet worden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een dommerik ben wanneer ik een grapje maak maar niemand anders vind het grappig of besteedt er aandacht aan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een imbiciel ben en een dommerik omdat ik iets heb laten vallen op de grond

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn over mijzelf te oordelen door de ogen van papa dat ik een imbiciel ben en een dommerik omdat op de bezemsteel was gaan zitten en die geplooid was geraakt en 'kapot was'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn bang te zijn dat iemand iets weet wat ik niet weet omdat ik bang ben om als een dommerik gezien te worden

some of the sf got lost in the process of posting... (most of it lol)

Happines

2008-08-15T23:56:00.000-07:00

the design of happiness --> http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=y8USHpaFVF8

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as when sinterklaas would come - being happy because of all the presents that were lying on the table

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as receiving a toy from my parents

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving a lego space-ship from my parents

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as receiving an remote controlled car that can flip over

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with this car in the garden and making it flip over and driving it super fast in the grass

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as making the car go as fats as possible and then pulling the handles backwards so it flips over multiple times

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as coming down the stairs in the early moring, knowning sinterklaas had come and the table would lie full of presents

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving the green playmobil policecar and playing with this on the floor in the hospital

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as ths friend of my father we accodentally met in paris, bought me a red ninja turtle and how i would play with it in the hotelroom in paris

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with my yellow big truck on the carpet

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving the transformer remote controlled car

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as my father buying this car for me in spain

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as my father buying me my swiss knife in spain, i thought it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define beauty as looking at this knife

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define power as holding this knife opnened in my hand, and how it fitted well in my hand

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as exploring all aspects of this knife

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define hapiness as receiving the lego police spaceship from my parents, which looked very big to me and awesome to play with

i forgive myself

ok i heard stuff break and dad screaming - probably dropped a bottle, same as where i droppedn one yesterday because the closet is so full of them - and i think he screamed at mum for still being in piyamas - i already thought it was suspicious yesterday when he said: oh, its a beautifull day and he seemed peacefull

i breath and am ok again

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving rollerskates from my parents - and define happiness within and as 'having rollerskates'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness within and as 'having a swiss knife'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to defin ehappiness as receiving lego toys and define happiness within and as 'having lego toys'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving the plstic cowboy guns from abwuelita she bought on the market in zafaraya, and define happiness within and as 'having a toy cowboygun with three red and bue plastic arrows'

I forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as aiming and shooting the arrows with my gun

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as revceiving the Outcast computergame from my father and define happiness within and as 'having the Outast computer game'

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to judge the word happy as something only dumb people are after

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to equate happiness with dumbness and ignorance

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to become resentfull when perceiving happiness around me

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to become uncomfortable when perceiving happiness around me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to wait for happiness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as a deeply unhappy person

i forgive msyelf taht i have allowed msyelf to think and believe a deeply unhappy person is all that i am and who i am - while it is just a definition

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness seperate from myself

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness within and as receiving and having toys that I didnt have yet

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness within and as receiving and having brand new toys

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyef to want to expereince happiness

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as something that happens to me - "happens-ness" "happy-less"

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happiness as sitting in the car with the family while we drive to tita mari and tito salva, to see anthony my nephew because i will be able to play with him all day

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as 'feeling good"

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as a feeling or an emotion

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as an energetic expereince

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not see happiness is here

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i am not worthy of being happy somehow and i deserve being unhappy, but this si just a cycle

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to exist within and as a happy-unhapy cycle

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist within and as an expectation that one day i will be permanently happy

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think happiness exists as somehting what can be reached in life

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think there exist people who are happy

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think the goal is happyness

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think my purpose is happyness

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to think this process is about becomming happy eventually

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist within and as a desire for happiness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be desperate for happyness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to exist within and as desperation because i fear happiness will never happen

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving a pack of magic cards from my mother that she bought me, and define happiness within and as 'having magic cards'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happyness as how i expereinced msyelf when trying out masturbation without pictures and thoughts

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as a state of mind

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define happyness within and as receiving and having brand new magic cards to play with

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define happiness as receiving and having a brand new bike that i got for 'plechtige communnie'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seperate me from happiness - not realizing I am happines already as who i am

i forgive myself that i ahve never allowed msyelf to acknowledge happiness as msyelf as who i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i require a reason to be happy

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i require somthing to trigger happiness inside me - instead of seeing i am it alredy - happiness is here as who i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyemlf to think i am happy instead of living happyness as me as breath as who i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to not live msyelf as happiness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to be happyness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to reach for happyness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to have perceptions about happyness

i am not a perception

i am not a 'reaching for'

i am not a lack of anything

i see happyness as me as all as equal as one as me

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to judge happyness as bad

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge happyness as stupid

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge happyness as empty

hapyness- emptyness

ok...

continuing

in dutch the word for joy is vreugde, as where self-enjoyment would rather be 'plezier hebben/maken'

so, i see happiness as such is bullshit - those last statements didnt make much sense

its about joy

happyness actually IS empty lol

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van nieuw speelgoed

i vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het hebben van gloednieuw speelgoed

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb teoegaletn vreugde definieren in en als bij feestdagen - sinterklaas en kerstmis - gloednieuw speelgoed krijgen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn vreugde definieren als nieuwe basketten krijgen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn vreugde definieren in en als het mogen zetten van mijn schoen voor sinterklaas tezamen met maite en leila hun schoen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealten vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van nieuwe computerspelletjes

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen en hebben van een sega mastersystem II waarop ik alex kid kan spelen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn vreugde definiren als naar de cinema gaan met de famillie naar de matrix kunnen gaan kijken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn vreugde definieren in en als mama die iets lekkers gaat klaarmaken - kroketten ofzo

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb teoegaletn vreugde definieren als lasagna eten op donderdag

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren als maandag spaghetti bolognese eten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als iemand zijn oude magic kaarten hebbne kunnen overkopen voor 1000 frank, en vreugde definieren in en als het hebbn van die magic kaarten - nu zijn die kaarten 'van mij'

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het bezitten van speelgoed

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van het zakmes

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb teoegaletn vreugde definieren in en als met de auto vanuit zafaraya naar zee rijden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn vreugde definieren in en als het toekomen op het strand in spainje en het geluid van de grote golven al kunnen horen van ver

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van een nieuwe laptop

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van de job bij ikea

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definiren in en als het krijgen van geld

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeglaetn vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van mijn zondag van mama

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als het krijgen van mijn looon elke maand op mijn bankrekening

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van geld briefjes in enveloppen toen het mijn plechtige communie was - want ik had nog nooit zoveel gel gehad

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het krijgen van geld in een enveloppe als geschenk bij familliebezoek

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het mij inbeelden en visualiseren dat ik een miljard win met de lotto

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het mij inbeelden dat ik 'win for life' win - want dan moet ik nooit meer werken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het onverwachts krijgen van een cadeau

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren in en als het kopen van cd's van nirvana

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het kunnen uitlenen van rock cd's in de bibliotheek, van greenday en the offspring en sepultura en nirvana, want ik wist niet dat die daar zouden zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het besloten hebben dat ik zelfmoord ging plegen

...

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het mij inbeelden hoe iedereen zou wenen nadat ik zelfmoord gepleegd zou hebben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als in de dimensions zijn, want igmar bergman leek vreugdevol

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als bijna toekomen in zafaraya, en de omgeving al kunnen herkennen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het op vakantie gaan naar zafaraya, naar abwelita

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als op reis gaan naar spanje omdat ik dan met nicola kan fietsen in het dorp en in de velden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn self enjoyment definieren als met nicola fietsen in de straten van het dorp en in de velden op onze nieuwe fietsen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn veugde definieren als uitsappen uit de auto en wachten dat abwelita open doet aan de deur

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als s morgens in zafaraya churros gaan halen om te eten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als s morgens croissants eten met choco of crème-koeken van de bakker

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als boterhammen kunnen eten met choco

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als snoep kunnen eten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als brwonies kunnen eten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren la skoffie kunnen drinken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als warme choco melk gaan drinken bij akela thuis met de schouts omdat het buiten zo koud was in de winter

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren als een babysitter die op ons komt passen thuis,

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als speelgoed mogen meebrengen naar school de laaste dagen van het jaar en op school spelletjes in de klas mogen spelen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als bij vrienden thuis mogen gaan spelen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren in en als het horen vand e bel in de klas en de speeltijd begint

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als buiten komen wanneer de zon schijnt en het is speeltijd

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als naar de lagere school gaan elke morgen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als elke week is in de derde kleuterklas mogen gaan spelen, wanneer ik in 1e zat

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren als veel dingen krijgen toen we met de scouts op ruiltocht waren

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als met de scouts op kamp gaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als met de cm op kamp gaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als naar de efteling gaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten vreugde definieren als naar het zwembad van vilvoorde gaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als naar aquavelis gaan in spanje en van ver al de grote glijbanen zien van aquavelis

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde defineiren als naar hofstade gaan en naar de grootse glijbaan rennen om naar boven te klimmen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als naar plankendael gaan omdat daar een grote speeltuin is met grote tube-glijbanen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als ergens naar onderweg zijn in de auto

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als de performance vcan wayn traub zien - hoe hij danste voor het gordijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn vreugde definieren als de eerste schooldag na de grote vakantie op de lagere school

...

self-awareness

2008-08-11T07:15:00.000-07:00

did some sf on defining self-awareness

some points i found

defing self-awareness as 'being awake' --> feeding sleep-contruct

... as having a brain

as having phisical eyes to see with

as existing within the brain-section of the body

as having a nervous system, nervous system ! what a name: scary system, or fright-system

as existing within phisical touch

and so on

as having a head !

as defined thgrough the five senses

as having thoughts

as having a mind

as having a self-percetion

interesting to when, after standing equall to body, not define yourself according to any of it - some fear of death is also released in this (haha, the brain)

13

2008-08-09T04:30:00.000-07:00

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself acoording to good and bad

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe there exist good people and bad people

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that believe good intentions exist

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe bad intentions exist

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe some people have good intentions

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as having good intentions

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think there exist people who mean well

i forgive myself that i ahve accepted myself to believe there exist something as an evil purpose

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think people are inherently good but just often ignorant

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that if everyone knew the same, then all would do the right thing

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think there xist good/positive thoughts

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe there exist bad/evil thoughts

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think there is some good in everyone

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think people are good in essence but become bad by circumstances

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think hope is a good thing

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define hope as good

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define light as good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define love as good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to believe children are good but their parents are bad

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to believe there is good knowledge and there is bad knowledge

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think good people exist

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to believe that honest people exist

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think the mind is inherently good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think love is good and hate is bad

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think humans are good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think there exist bad or good humans

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as well-meaning

i forgive myself that i have accepted msyelf to define msyelf as a positive influence

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define hate as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define anger as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define abuse as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define distrust as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define greed as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define violence as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define murder as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define killing as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define ageing as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define dieing as negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define suffering as negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think that helping someone is good/positive

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think interfering is negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe control is negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think governments are negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think politicians have good intentions

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to believe some politicians have bad intentions

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think and believe war is negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think world war 2 was negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define hitler as bad

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define germans as bad

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define nazis as bad

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe amercicans are good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think america is a good country, because they apparently 'saved' europe in WW II

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to think working people are inherently good, but the capitalists are greedy

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think money is negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define money and the existence thereof as negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think 'the english' are good, because they fought 'on our side'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think the french are good, beacuse they fought on 'our side'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think the russians are good, because they fought 'on our side'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to see the world through the eyes of war

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define Iraky people as innocent because they are being attacked by 'bad americans'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define holland as good because they fought on 'our' side

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define switserland as good because they at 'least stayed neutral'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define my father as good, because of how much he works

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define working ur ass off as good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define lazyness as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msylf to define discipline to work as good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self discipline as good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define democracy as good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define dictatorship as bad

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define totalitarianism as bad

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define socialsim as good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define communism as negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think freedom is good

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think and believe slavery is bad/negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define circusses as negative/bad becasue they apparently treat their animals badly and abuse them

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think rape is bad/negative

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think having a child is a good poitive thing

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think and believe mothers are inherently good

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed myself to think mothers generally mean well with their children

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to believe there exist good parents and bad parents

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think my mother is a bad mother

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to think my father is a bad father

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i received a bad education

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think there exist good educations

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think there are good and bad teachers

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define schools as good

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to later on define schools as bad/negative

i forgive msyef that i ahve allwoed myself to think schools, governments and media are set up with bad intentions

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define the illuminati as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define the skull and bones as negative

i forgive msyelf that i have aallowed msyelf to define myself as a good person

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as a person with 'a good heart'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define stealing as negative

12

2008-08-09T01:04:00.001-07:00

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed myself to define myself according to decrpitive information abouit what i have done - as activities

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as activities 'i have don in the past'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist within the limitation of self definition according to activities of the past

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself according to information about myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to exist within and as information

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have been to the library to get films'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have been to the toilet'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'today i took a shower'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'today i went to school'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i have published student-paper'

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i have attended class'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'i have been to summercamp'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have been on boyscoutcamp'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i have slept'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have lied down on my bed'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i went ton vacation'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i took a week off'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have seen a friend'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i have had an appointment with a friend'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'i have written a typo'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as' i hav emade a painting'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have counted money'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have taken the train with my mom to school and she read me stories'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have stayed over with a friend'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'i have played football'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to defin emsyelf as 'i have been to friend with a swimingpool'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have been translating my tesis'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as'i have written a lengthy tesis on the illuminati'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'i have been thinking'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to defin emsyelf as 'i fell of a bridge on my back'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have been hit by a tram, but i was ok'

i forgive myself that i have allwoed myself to define myself as 'i have walked home from school'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have grown my hair'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'i had long hair'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have written much sf today'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i played avideo game'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i went to school inzaventem'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i visited my grandparents today'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i had my first ejaculation today'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i went to switserland with school and wibren'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to defin emyself as 'i have worked on the computer today'

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i swam in the sea today'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i helped distributing the studentpaper on the esplanade'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have seen a film today'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i have been in the house all day'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'i stayed home a lot of time'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define msyelf as 'i stayed in my room a lot of the time'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as 'having much time'

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define myself as 'having practiced football in the garden - to keep the ball up on one foot'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as 'i have done sports'

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself as...

11

2008-08-08T00:20:00.000-07:00

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to let others tell me what i can and cannot do or say

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to let other tell me how i should express myself - what is accepted and what is not

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to give my power away to others in letting them tell me what and how to be

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me what i can do, what i cannot do, how i should look, and what i cannot express or say

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to let my mother tell me how i should look, how i should express myself what i should say and how i should say it

i forgive myelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me how i should walk when im outside

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me how i should move my arms while walking and in this manipulating myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me how i should eat

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to hate my father but actually i hate myself because i have allowed this - i believed i could not resist or ignore him

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to let my fatehr tell me how i should drink from a glass

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my parents tell me how i should clothe myself

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let adults tell me how i should behave - how dare they !

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to obey my father out of fear bevcause i believed i was this fear and i felt little and powerless

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define myself within and as powerlessness

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think and believe that i am powerless

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to let my parents tell me when i should wash myself

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to become total programmed slave to my parents because i was affraid to stand up and cry out: no i will not!

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my mother tell me how i should give someone a handshake

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to let my father tell me i should eat with knife and fork in the right hands, because i knew this was bullshit

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to let myself be molded by my parents into a stupid robot - who is affraid of everything

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to let mmteachers tell me how i should write

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let teachers tell me i should be silent

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me i should shut up

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my father tell me i should go to sleep now

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to let my father tell me now i must do this or that for me as if i have no say in this

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to accept that i am not free instead of standing up

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to give msye freedom adn power away through submitting to the rules of my parent and other adults in my world - even if i knew they were all full of CRAP whithout EXCEPTION

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to not trust myself and my understanding this was bullshit and just this being wanting power

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to hate those beings becasue i gave in to this myself

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not stand up and trust myself because i didnt saw anyone else standing up and making a difference - so i used this as an excuse

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let someone tell me i should eat with my mouth closed

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to let soemone tell me i should do this or that - and trust this person instead of trusting myself because i knew what was real and what i saw

i forgive msyelf that i aheva llowed msyelf to let my parents tell me i should now do this or that FOR them

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to let my parents dictate and direct me instead of directing myself in self trust

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to think i should perhaps not trust myself

i forgive msyelf that i ahev allowed msyelf to trust adults because i believed perhaps there is somtheing i dont know yet

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to trust adults because i feared to lose my privileges and to become punished

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to let my father tell me i should put my shirt in my pants, becasue he threatened me we would not go to the fairy and i feared spoiling this for others

i forgive myself that i ahve allowed msyelf to trust my fears instead of trusting msyelf and living myself and breathing through the fear - i am here

priviledged

2008-08-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think and believe i am priviledged

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i was able to go and allowed to go to artschool

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am a man and therefore i am privilegded over woman

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am a human and therefore i am priviledged over animals and its ok if they are killed for my sake

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as priviledged because i think i am smarter than most people

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i have such an exotic background, my father being spanish and and me being able to speak three languages since being a child

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am privilegded over mysisters because i am a boy and i am older and the firstborn

i forgive myself that I have allowed myslf to define msyelf as priviledged within this existence

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i never had to work much in my life

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i understood things quicker than my classmates and i had better grades thna most of them

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i posses such a wonderfull drawingtalent

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i could go to spain every year on hollidays

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i think i had a supernatural expereince

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged becasue i see the same number patterns all the time, like 11 33

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think i am privilegded and therefore i am being blessed by coincidences

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am blessed with this ability to draw precisely

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am blessed with a rare talent to write stories

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am blessed with apparent patience because i could have patience to fold paper birds and stuff

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think i am priviledged because i am blessed with much understanding and much knowledge

i forgive myslef that i have allowed myself to see myself as priviledged over others because i was blessed to study at university - which is expensive

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think i am priviledged over others because i was able to understand difficukt philosophers

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged because i knew the truth about 9/11 and the worl-elite plan for world-control

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe i am priviledged because i believed i knew what was going on behind the scenes

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to believe i am priviledged because i believed i knew the truth behind world wars

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as priviledged because i believed i knew about aliens on earth and about ufo's

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as priviledged because i believed i knew about the world being runned by an elite and by the illuminati

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged because i found apparent proof the illuminati still existed after they got abolished

i forgive myslef that I have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged because i believed i knew about all the occult symbolism in the media and corporate logo's

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think i am priviledged because i may do my process on earth

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed myself to see msyelf as a privileded person because my father likes me best, ovber my sisters, because i am the oldest and because i am a boy

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe i am priviledged becasue of the type of people i encountered in my life

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to see myself as priviledged because i allways would be accepted by the coolest of the coolest

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged because i was the oldest child of the family

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to think i was priviledged becasue i had more toys than maite and leila

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as priviledged because i encountered desteni and the portal

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as priviledged because i get to chat with dimensional beings and with b

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as priviledged because i had a fater understanding than most people i knew and i understood stuff they couldnt grasp at all

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think i am a priviledged being because i am a human and not an 'animal'

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged over older people because i am still young

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define myself according to the years i have had in THIS particular life on earth

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see msyelf as priviledged because i found all this hidden and secret knowledge

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as priviledged because

... etc

work-home survival-combo

2008-08-05T03:41:00.000-07:00

i forgiv myself that i have allowed myself to think and believe i should stick to the place where i live and the job that i have, because this si so convenient and they seem to interlock, because they are so closely located to one another

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not consider this point - that i hold on to my job TOGETHER with the house i live in and use the one as justification for the other

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear that if i lose my job - my living-place will get in jeopardy and there will be no point anymore in living there and i will have to consider completely new things

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear that if i leave the house, then it will be more difficulkt to get to work, because how close it is

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to imprison msyelf - out of all possibilities - into this reality-combination and use excuses why this is 'the best'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear giving up this combo of work and house - of occupation and habitation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i need both absolutely and definately and without any one of them, i'll be lost

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear change

perhaps i will consider getting driver-licence, cuz right now i only have a bike which constricts me in some ways, with regards to this situation

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think if i lose my job in some way, i will find no new job and my father will give me a hard time

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think i am not capable of finding jobs and that if i dont find one this means i am a faillure

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think the possibility of losing my job - the possibility in my mind, that i create msyelf - is something that i should fear and actually consider so that i can exist in fear

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i should 'hold on' to the combo i am in right now, because when i lose this i dont know what i'll do

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear i might lose my job unexpectedly

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to allways care if my bosses ar pleased with me so they will not fire me

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to join a work-dinner from the startingpoint of showing to the bosses and collegues that they actually mean somthing to me - which is deception, because i dont fear losing them, but i fear losing my job

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear when i take an icecream and a boss would 'catch' me they will give me a lecture and i will score a bad point

to be continued

after batman

2008-08-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

when seeing batman, the last film - when film ended they say: "he can take it, because he is a silent guardian... (wham wham, many emotions came up and i try to stop, but it continues and gets worse)... he is a black knight," and while they say this you see batman driving his low to the ground motorcycle and his cape going frrrr in the wind

so, what was this guardian stufff... 'a silent guardian' - like he's not taking any credit for what he does, even taking all the blame, for the geater good -

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define this as honorable -

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to be an honorable person, like in hero movies

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define being honorable as taking the blame for another

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define honourable me accompanying katrijn when she ran from kortenberg, because i apparently sacrificed my own safety for her

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to strive for honorability

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define honorable: paying for other people their food when they come over at our house

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think i am honorable because i ran away with katrijn

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i am honorable because i 'protected' maite at school, when she was being bullied once and cried

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think my father was honorable because he helped an old man and because he respects old people more than young people

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think that helping a mother carry her buggy is honourable

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think that helping a very old person carry their bag downstairs is honorable

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that helping this mongool on the train who had gotten lost was honorable, becaause all the other adults did nothing

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to think that defending a girl or a woman is honorable - no matter in what situation

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think fighting is honorable

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think risking your life is honorable

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think having an injury from fighting is honorable

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want to be honorable like my father, and define being honorable as how i have seen him act on certain occasions

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf top thoink fighting against a phisically stronger adversary is honorable

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think sacrificing yourself for the greater good as understood by society is honorable

... also with batman, silent guardian = this perception of no self-interest

also the undestroyable aspect - being though

to be continued

10

2008-08-03T01:43:00.000-07:00

ok

maite and leila leaving for two months,- me having a week off next week - alone to face myself

when work was done yesterday i felt uncomfortable about the vacation week - too much time with msyelf, nowhere to hide

i worked some on tesis, translating stuff, but this was obviously supression too - having something "to do" and when it was done i was uncomfortable again

what now?

i want smoke, but i sense supression is looming

whats the deal with me?

lol

help

2008-08-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to expect help to 'come' from a source seperate from me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to wait for help, because i believe i am to weak to stand and walk on my own

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define help as 'being helped by another seperate from me'

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hope for help

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to seek help in and define help as being in Kortenberg - where beings apparently help me

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to fear recognizing i must be my own help and help myself to stand and walk

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to expect my mother to help me in conflicts with my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define help as my mother in my world

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define help as being helped by the people in kortenberg

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define help as 'receiving help' from the people in kortenberg and in this being dishonest and denying myself the help that is Here as myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expect my father to help me against this boy who was running after me and who was throwing rocks at me instead of stopping him, helping msyelf to stop him

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to when i was being bullied by kenny expect someone in the enviroment to come to my help

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to when i was being chased by a car with kenny's people, run for help in fear instead of standing as my own help and facing myself

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want my friends to help me when someone at school had hit me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expect this man to help me because i was scared of a dog barking

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expect poeple will help me when i am drunk and in this state enjoy the dishonesty of being helpless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see myself as helpless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as a helpless person

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can do noithing in the world to help msyelf and fear situations where i have to stand up

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to want and seek help from other beings and adults when i had broozed my knee and they needed to take care of me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to enjoy this part of playing the victim and place msyelf in the care and apparent helping hands of another, so i dont have to take responsability

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to enjoy being helpless

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to want to be helpless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hide behind helplessness to dont have to stand and walk

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hide msyelf behind a blief that i am helpless and i must be taken care of

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to play helpless so that otehrs would take care of me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as helpless and not able to be my own help - so that others would help me and i would feel safe

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think that when others help me nothing can hapen to me anymore and i am apparently safe - because i have been discharged of any and all responsibility

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i have no strength to help myself to be my own help

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hide and run in the identity of helplesness

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think adults should help me because they are big and i am small and helpless

i forgive myself to play helpless so i didnt have to face i never took responsability

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hide beihing apparent helplessness so i never would have to take responsability

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to refuse to take responsability for what i have accepted and allowed and hide in helplessness as the deception of the mind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think it is my nature - who i am - to be helpless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be one and equall to helplessness

if orgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think helplessness exists

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe helplesness exists

i forgive msyelf that I have never allowed msyelf to realise helplessness only exists as an illusion of the mind

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to live msyelf as self-help as self-strenght and self-responsability as who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to be frustrated because there was no help comming

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be angry with msyelf because even in the most deep shit i didnt want to face i have to help msyelf and no one was comming

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to belive and think help exists somewhere out there

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe help exists seperate from who i am here

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to seperate myself from help

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to make msyelf believe it is impossible for me to stand as my own help - and walk

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to wait for someone to please help me not realising i was waiting for msyelf

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to be scared to help myself, because i was scared to realize who i am

self-enjoyment

2008-07-29T04:24:00.000-07:00

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to define self-enjoyment as playing with toys while sitting on the floor

i forgive msyelf that I havea llowed myself to define self enjoyment as writing a novel - building a novel sentence by sentence

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as designing a story for a novel in my mind - piece by piece

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as telling a story i have written to an audience

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with toy guns and shooting them

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelkf to define self enjoyment as playing with my ninja turtles, with their little weapons and the ropes i would hang them on

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as holding the blue ninja turtle in my hand and putting his swords in his hands and placing him on the floor so he looks fierce and dangerous

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as following the instructions from booklet when building a lego space-ship

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building a lego-spaceship piece by piece and see the result when it is finished

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as playing with my lego's in my room and playing war and star wars

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with my lego red robots

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playiong with my lego-build robots that could do crazy stuff with their arms

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myselmf to define self enjoyment as building something with my hands - creating with my hands, trnasforming somthing into a different and consistent shape

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as following instructions and builmd piece by piece my lego technics vehicels and cars an,d planes and helicopters

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building my lego technics truck, and play with it when i had put batteries in it

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building the engine from this truck and see all the pipelines and how complicated this was

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as making up / designing a story that i can play with my lego

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as building a wall from ice-blocks in the garden

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building this wall with pieces from the plastic shell that was frozen and throw water over the blocks so they woulkd freeze together

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing in the mud with my friend and making bread from the mud and with grass

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge myself as dirty because i was playing with mud and an adult said this is dirty

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as writing my story about the two kings and inventing this story completely and working on this

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as pondering which word would suit which description best

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as having allmost reached the end of the story and knowing it will be finished soon

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as designing word by word a story - create a reality and in my mind imagine myself all these things

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as running arace against my father

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as going for a bike ride with my father and following him

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with duplo blocks and building space ships that resemble star wars ones

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with the duplo blocks and building myself weapons and preten,d i can shoot with them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imagining i hold a light-saber like luke skywalker and fight with imaginary enemy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imagining i have a gun in my hand and i shoot laser like Jan Solo

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imaging myself to be Sanggoku from Dragonball Z and shooting massive energy balls with my hands

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imaging myself to be a warrior and having an armour and also i have the head of a panter and i can have long nails like a lion from my fingers

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imaging myself to be a ninja warrior and doing fung fu or karate and having a long shiny sword - a black ninja

i forgive msyelf that I havea llowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as play Virtua fighter on computer and play with ninja

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define grace as playing with ninja from virtua fighter and see how he moves

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing virtua fighter against big boss

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to defiens elf enjoyment as fight against akira

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed myself to define self enjoyment as fight with Jeffry and take him to fight others

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as with virtua figher on computer perform cool moves and move fast and kick hard the opponent untill he falls on the floor completely

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as writing my story about this bum who lives on the street

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as placing msyelf in the shoes of this bump and see wht i would do in this or that situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with the chinese man in virtua fighter because he kicks so fast

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing age of empires for hours

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing Guild wars on computer online for hours and make all the different missions

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment playing car races on computer

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing monster trucks on computer and take a turn while slipping the road and going super fast

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as racing and riding first and doing my best to remain first so others can not get back at me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as building my big lego robot and see the result - he was big and much higher than the rest

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with the plack lego roibot who had legs to walk and who i let jump like a dinosaur on others robots

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl enjoyment as playing with dinosaur i received from marissa and use him in combat with my turtles

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyel to define self enjoyment as playing with lego and with my mouth making all the specific and required war noices so that it would seem real

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imitaing the sound of lasers shooting from star wars, while playing with my spacecraft

i forgive msyelf that I hvae allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing tennis with glen and boris

i forgive msyelf that i haveallowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as making a big point with tennis againts glen and his brother boris

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as with badminton being able to reach far and return almost all 'balls'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing in the see on and in the waves and dive under the waves and let me be carried away by the powerfull wave

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being dragged along by a wave and rolling in many directions

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as jumping from high plcaes like in a playground with chldrens wooden castels

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as entering and gliding in the big tube in plankendael

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being drunk

i forgive msyelf thgat I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as drinking whiskey and getting drunk

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being stoned and laughing unstoppably

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as remebering somthing i thaught was funny

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as remembering an event that makes me laugh again

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as being drunk and speaking in a loud voice and insulting people

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as drinking pissang and and being drunk and telling people to fuck off and laughing

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as translating my tesis

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to defines elf enjoyment as doing research on the illuminati and conductying my investigation in books

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watchin,g naked gun with leslie nielsen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoymebnt as watchiong ace ventura with jim carey

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as hearing children laugh and yell and see them play

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as laughing when leila is around

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoymenbt as looking at leila her face when i laugh

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching Hot shots on tv

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watchging a movie on tv

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching a movie in vµcinema

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing magic cards

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as playing with magic cards against leila

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching lord of the rings in cinema big screen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoymentr as watching cable guy with ace ventura

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as watching dragon ball z on tv and see Freezer and Sanggoku kight and Vegeta

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self enjoyment as watching Vegeta fight and how fast they all move

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment as imagining msyel to be a warrior with a black panter head and many weopons and an armour

i forgive msyelf that i havea not allowed msyelf to see self enjoyment is here

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not even know self enjoyment is here -as who i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self enjoyment seperate from msyelf -

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to not enjoy msyelf for myself

i am self enjoyment here - self enjoyment is who i am

pfffff

2008-07-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

this moring i am so angry

when i see maite do or say anything i become angry - its like i hate her

pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf,

i forgive msyel that i ahvea allowed msyelf to judge msyelf

the anger still here

i allmost explode when making a typo

why am i angry?

its actually againts leila aswell, everyone irritates me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to wish maite and leila didnt exist

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate the fact that maite and leila even exist

what could be going on?

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelfto hate them so much i could kill them

my head is sore and sinusses hurt - i cried a lot day yesterday i have no fokkingcluie whaty going on )- fok this

controll

2008-07-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to have tala do it my way with oregano, because i fear that if he tries something different it will go wrong and he will spill it

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that i must be in control of every situation so that i can prevent things from going 'wrong'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hold on to my perceptions of control

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear if i dont have controll over a situation everything will go wrong and i will not get what i desire

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to manipulate situations and want to be in control of them so that i can get what i want/desire as an outcome i have set msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the outcome of things and thus want to be in controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear if i am not in control then i will die or i may die because everything can go terribly wrong

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to seek control over situations

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to seek control over situations so that i can feel more safe

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think i can controll if the mozarella spills or not

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to before i do something start stressing because it might go wrong and not as planned

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to stress because something im doing might go wrong or not as i plan

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become anxieous when people deviate from my plan, because i had imagined myself an outcome and expectations i created

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to 'stick to the plan' out of fear of all that can happen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be addicted to the illusion of controll, like a junky

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to be able to make all the descisions about what we do and what must be done

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define control as desciding to which store we go

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define control as desciding which route we take

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define control as choosing when we go to the store and when we eat and when we start cooking

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define control as choosing what we will eat a day in advance

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define control as sticking to my job to see what will happen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define being in controll as having all the money

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to define being in controll as desciding if we go see batman or not or if we go home to make lasagna

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to only consider my personal selfinterest when making dzescisions for all

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to need to have it all my way - so that in the end my personal interest will be served

i forgive msyelf that i havea llowed msyelf to only consider my personal benefit

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to seperate msyelf from everything in believing there exist something as my personal benefit

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to believe persobnal benefit is valid

i forgive msyelf that I haveallowed msyelf to think and accept personal benefit as valid and as a ground to make descisions on for a group

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think much in advance and think everything over in detail as a means of thinking i am in control

i forgive msyel that I have allowed msyelf to define control as imagining msyemlf a situation i in real life have to face and anticipate what words i will use and what i will say and on what tone of voice, wht clothes i will wear etc

9

2008-07-23T23:02:00.000-07:00

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat het leila niet uitmaakt of ik thuis ben of niet

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mezelf te willen zien door de ogen van leila

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten zelf waarde definieren als waardig zijn om aan een meisje haar tafel te mogen gaan zitten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealten zelf waarde definieren als waardig zijn om door leila leuk gevonden te worden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn bnag te zijn dat leila mij niet kan uitstaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn bnag te zijn dat mensen onverschillig tegenover mij zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten iemand noig te hebben die mij ziet en mij hoort

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten geirriteerd te geraken omdat maite zegt dat perfect circle precies een boysband is

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten pissed te worden omdat maite naast mij praat

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealten kwaad te worden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten tegen maite te roepen omdat ze luider begon te praten en ik mij niet kon focussen en ikdenk dat het maite haar schuld was

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealten toe te geven aan woede en te denken dat de irritatie die ik voel is wie ik ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten sf te schrijven uit de mind

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te storen aan maite

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten te panikeren omdat ik bang ben om hele dag opgefokt te blijven als ik punt niet vind

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten kwaad te worden

ik vergeef mezaelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten te luistreren naar mijn gedachten en deze serieus te nemen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te ergeren aan maite

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te ergeren aan mijn gedachten en over mezelf te oordelen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te ergeren aan mijn stem

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te ergeren aan mijn lichaam

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te ergeren aan leila die niet opstaat

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat ik infereur ben aan leila, dat leila mij als inferieur ziet

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat wendy aan de kassa mij als inferieur ziet als een niemand

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealten bang te zijn dat Lore mij ziet als inferieur als niemand

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn iemand te willen zijn in de ogen van leila en voor haar te willen bestaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn iemand te willen zijn in de ogen van maite en voor haar willen bestaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegaletn iemand te willen zijn in de ogen van Lore en voor haar willen bestaan en mij altijd af te vragen of ze mij graag heeft of niet of ze mij tof vind of niet

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn te denkne dat ik minder ben dan Lore omdat zij een vrouw is

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten nodifg te hebben dat lore mij aanvaard, dat ze mij opmerkt en aandacht heeft voor mij, zodat ik mij aanvaard zou kunnen voelen en ok

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te irriteren als ik zie hoe moe leila is en wanneer ze zegt dat ze niets verstaat van wat maite zegt en dat ze - leila - zich aanstelt en basically lui is en verwend

iik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten doorheen de ogen van iemand die mijn blog leest over mij te oordelen dat ik een debiel ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelatren doorheen de ogen van iemand die mijn blog leestr over mij te oordelen dat ik ik dom ben, achterlijk, geen inzicht heb en belachelijk en aanstellerig ben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten iemand nodig te hebben die met mij ionetrageert en die op mijn vragen antwoord en aandacht voor mij heeft en die mij ernstig neemt

ik vergeef mezelf dat iuk mezelf heb toegaletn de mind ersntig te nemen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb teoegaletn alles moeilijk te maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeglaten snel te typen om mezelfg af te leiden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten kwaad te zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten woedend te zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn voor vandaag

ii vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb tpoeegaletn in de war te zijn

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn een ander te willen straffen voor wat ik ervaar

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn papa te willen straffen omwille van wat ik ervaar

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hegb toeegaletn iemand anders inferieur te illen laten voelen als straf voor hoe ik mij voel en mijzelf ervaar

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealten hele dag in de maind te bestaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealketn mij te laten consumeren door mijn gedachten

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij te laten consumeren door mijn emoties

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn mij te laten consumeren door mijn gevoelens

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn smoregens maite en leila te willen wakker maken omdat ik mij dan goed voel over mezelf

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn smorgens leila te willen wakker maken zodat ik mij superieur voel aan leila

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelkaten maite wakker maken zien als superioriteit

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn maite en leila wakker te maken omdat ik controle will en omdat alles dan gaat zoals ik wil

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn controle definieren als maite en leila wakker maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaetn mij af te wcheiden van maite wanneer ik haar wakker maak - haar te zien als iemand anders

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn leila te zien als iemand anders wanneer ik haar wakker maak

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toeegaletn te denken dat ik alles in de hand heb omdat ik maite en leila wakker maak

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn te denken dat vandaag nutteloos word want heb weer pijn in darmen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn mezelf te limiteren door en als de perceptie van pijn in darmen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toeegaletn bang te zijn voor de toekomst

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegalketn zelfverzekerdheid definieren als door heen de ogen van lezer mijzelf zien als iemand die foutloos schrijft en efficient

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn te lachen met vrouw op werk die haar agenda kwijt was

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegalketn bang te zijn om mijn gsm te verliezen met mijn telefoonnummers in van vrienden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegalaten bang te zijn om emailadressen te verleizen

self-worth

2008-07-22T02:08:00.000-07:00

i read a post from andrea where she linked being in a relationship to self-worth as a form of self-dishonesty

the mentionning of self-worth triggered stuff in me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i have no self worth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i am less than worth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel i could only have self worth when another being accepts me in their presence as a friend

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define selfworth according to being accepted by another being as a friend

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define selfworth as being somebodys best friend

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being friends with popular people and cool people

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as having many cool friends that i can show off with

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define mys elf worth according to being friends with and accepted by Wibren in elementary school, because he was the most popular boy in the class and he was well known at school

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of having this being as a friend

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of having wibren as my friend, because of the extend to which i admired him

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of N A because she wqants to be my girlfriend

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self worthy as being found worthy of something or someone

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self worth according to the amounts of lego i have, being worthy of such beautifull and great spacecraft and toys to play with

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as bing worthy of the biggest toys when sinterklaas would come

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as beingworthy of being accepted as a friend by bram

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of being accepted as a friend by rob

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of being accepted as a friend by thomas

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to defines efl worth as being worthy of being accepted as a friend by helene

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of being accepted as a friend by yelle

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth according to being accepted as a boyfriend by N A

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as liesbeth accepting me as her best friend

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a kiss on my mouth by a girl

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as receiving a kiss on my mouth by katrien

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as having a girlfriend

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth according to the amount of girls who fancy me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth seperate from me - to seperate myself from self -worth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of the most beautifull girl desiring me as her boyfriend

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of sex

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to definbe self worth as being worthy of touching the body of a girl

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to touch the vagina of a girl and masturbate her

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of touching the breasts of a girl

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth within a relation with a girl/woman

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i must gain self worth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to deny msyelf self worth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think self worth is rubbish

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think about self worth

i forgive ùmsyelf that i have allowed msyelf to limit msyelf through anxiety because of what some people may think reading my blog

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see sf as work

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of someon's attention and affection

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of someones tenderness and affection

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a girl holding my hand

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to speak and be in the presence of a girl

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as a girl enjoying my company

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as a girl enjoying to look at me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defines elf worth as people being pleased with my compnay

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as people appreciating my jokes

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being seenas funny

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being invited to an event with friends - being worthy of being invited

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defines efl worth as being worthy of someones attention

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of leila her company

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of joining the pf of desteni

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of knowing certain people

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of knowing a famous person

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl worth as being worthy of my fathers attention

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efine self worth as being worthy of my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive money from my parents

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive clothes from my parents they buy for me

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of the presents they bought me, the toys and stuff

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to live with my parents in their house

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl worth as being worthy of having/ being provided with a job

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl worth as being worthy to take a day off at work

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to speak to my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive a toy if I dare to enter the sea to swim

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of having a girlfriend and being worthy of sex

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of physical intimacy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to embrace a girl

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as having studied four years at university so now i am worthy to earn money

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my father driving me somewhere

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my father providing for me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my father looking at me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my father caressing me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as a woman caressing my face

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a woman caressing my face

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a girl touching my body

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a womans sexual attention

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being owrthy of a guys sexual attention

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to penetrate a woman

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to hold a woman and kiss her breasts

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to be spoken to by a woman/girl i deem beautifull and gracious and pure

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a girl holding my arm

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to indulge in this mindset that worth must be received from a source seperate from me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe worth even exists seperate from who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of seeing a girl undress herself infront of my eyes

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of seeing a girl undress and see her naked breasts

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to sleep in the same bed than a girl

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to sleep next to helene

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to sleep next to a guy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to sleep in the bed with my parents when i was little

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to lie between my parents in bed

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to go to SA

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define sefl worth as being worthy to meet sunette and bernard and andrea in real life

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my body

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of life and existence

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to have my own bank account

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of receiving the monney my father gave me every week before going back to university

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my father driving me to kortenberg every time

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy that something 'great and profound' happened to me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy do do my totem stuff with boyscouts

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to hang out with people who are older than me

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to hang out with bram because he is older than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self worth as being worthy to hang out with bram V. and he apparently enjoying my compnay - this, because he is older than me

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of having a profound and insightfull dream

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of people greeting me when entering chatroom

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive assistance from a dimensional being

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see dimensional being as something great and god-like

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of bruce lee asking me how its going

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of having 'these cool friends'

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive a cigarette from a girl/woman

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth a sbeing worthy of a girls interest in me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self worth as being worthy to go to university

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of studying philosophy at university

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to live with leila

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of sharing myself like this

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed mlsyelf to define myself as being worthy of being heard by someone

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to be given any consideration at all

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of someone giving me a thought

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy that people speak good about me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a new bike

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive a new bike from my parents

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive a camera from my father

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my parents spending their money on me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of a present someone bought me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of someone giving me anything as a present

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to receive a mouth-harp from leisbeth

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to define self worth as being worthy of receiving this really expensice camera from my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of eating an expensive piece of meat my mother cooked and my parents bought

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of eating 'expensive food' in a restaurant while my parents are buying

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy to go to Aquavelis in spain with my parents and receiving even a hamburger

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my parents paying for my stay in kortenberg which was quite expensive

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self worth as being worthy of my parents paying my studies

ok with this monney crap i gonna continue in a different thread

self-image

2008-07-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

nasty,

ok, so: i went for a walk with leila and then i had sopme pain and remained sitting on the floor somewhere while she headed home. so, i had opprortunity for some sf - unexpected to myself (becasue while walking, the sf tends to be not clear cut to the point and somehow i wont often stop to take time for in depth sf)

there is this perception i have or need. "to exist for others as something." this "something" is is certainly not random, but, ok - i try again: apparently i see myself existing through others perceptions of me - suddenly this was obvious and also, in relation to this, how i wanted to be seen, what I wanted to mean for others, who i want to be in their world for them (in their perception)

like, a magnificent being, unique, amazing

when i had run away home when 14/15 it was much for me to cope with afterwards. because i had not taken much into consideration, when deciding i wanted to run away home and kill myself. i had to face my family again, they didnt undesrtood this at all and i couldnt explain, it was never talked about either - people just asked me how i was and i'd say "fine", because it was such a sensitive subject. the family was kind of disrubted by this; i think they were horrified in a way that me - gabriel - had done this, wanted this. because in the family i was considered to be such a perceft boy - good grades, talented, admired by my cousins and nieces, as i was the oldest, kind of an example - the first child of the family.

in my perception everyone was disappointed in me

especially my mother she didnt undsertand. when retruning home the day i had run away after being at the police and stuff, my grandfather stood at our door. as we walked up to him my mother burst into tears, i had never seen her so devastated - something inside her dropped, bursted, as if she fell inside herself. when we entered the house i escaped the situation, i went to my room in fear. i didnt know how to handle this at all. i didnt want to hear what they were saying about me, i didnt want to know about their grief.

another tile i was in kortenberg then already for several months, a cousin of my father came to pay us a vist, but he came from abroad and he had not heard about what had happened yet. we were sitting at the table and he asked me: so, how is school? and i panicked, because i couldnt imagine myself openly talking about what i did and why i was not attending school atm. so my father interjected and said he needed to explain something - and i hurried to my room again.

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not absolutely not want to forgive this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be affraid of how everyone will see me now, after i had wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to regret i ran away because of how everyone was affected by this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear they saw me as selfish and spoiled and deranged

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear them seeing me as deranged and crazy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear they will see me as an abomination because of what i did

i forgive msyelf that I hav eallowed msyelf to fear they would be angry atme for doing this

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed myself to think this was utterly selfish and an abominable thing to do

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear facing that i wanted to destroy msyelf and by doing this being ungratefull to them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my family will think the worst of me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to faer my mother will see me as ungratefull and selfish, because i didint consider her

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear they will see me as scum and worthless

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be horrified by what i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to escape my family to never have to face them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear everyone will blame me for what i did to my parents - such an ungratefull child

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my mother will see me as a horrible person

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear my father will see me as a horrible person, a selfish asshole and a bastard

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear everyone seeing me as a total coward because i wanted to kill myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear my father seeing me as a total coward because i wanted to kill msyelf

see, when i returned home with my father after he had picked me up in brussels where my friends found me, i saw leila first in the hall and she came to me (7 or 8 years old) and sadly asked me: "why did you do this?" (i answered her "i dont know") then we embraced eachother and she cried and me too - she then simply told me father had been sitting at the table crying the entire evening. i had never seen my father shed even one tear, ever.

what killed me was i stood alone in this - me alone - facing EVERYONE. I couldnt escape in a sense but everyone spared me at the same time - nobody discussed anything with me, really, it was all unspoken of, the big taboe. i left all this to my parents to sort out and explain to all - i explained nothing.

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear leile sees me as a selfish coward because i wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear leila will see me as a selfish coward because i wanted to abandon her

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as a selfish coward because i wanted to abandon maite

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to fear my mother seeing me as a selfish coward because i wanted to kill msyelf

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een lafaard ben omdat ik mijn polsen wilde oversnijden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat iedereen mij ziet als een lafaard omdat ik thuois wa weggelopen en zelfmoord wilde plegen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn dat mama mij ziet als een lafaard omdat ik wilde zelfmoord plegen een einde aan mijn leven maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten over mezelf te oordelen dat ik een lafaard ben omdat ik een einde eraan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten een einde eraan te willen maken en willen ontsnappen en verlost zijn van mijn leven

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mij doorheen de ogen van heel mijn familie mijzlef te zien als een lafaard omdat ik er een eide aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zien doorheen de ogen van mijn moeder als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzelf te zien doorheen de ogen van mijn vader als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zijn doorheen de ogen van mijn grootvader als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zien doorheen de ogen van mijn vrienden als een lafaard omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te zien doorheen de ogen van maite als een lafaard omdat ik zelfmoord wilde plegen en een egoist omdat ik haar in de steek had willen laten

ik vergeef mezelrf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten over mijzlef to oordelen doorheen de ogen van leila dat ik een lafaard ben omdat ik er een einde aan wilde maken en thuis was weggelopen

***

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge myself as weak through the eyes of my mother because i ran away home and wanted to commit suicide

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak becasue i wanted to commit suicide and judged msyelf as weak through the eyes of my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelfto judge msyelf as weak through the eyes of my family an,d my world because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak and see myself as weak through the eyes of the people in my world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as a weak and a loser because i wanted to kill myself and i ran away home

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to through the eyes of my fatehr judge msyelf as a loser - a complete loser and a weakling

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to through the eyes of my sister judge msyelf as weak and a loser

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to throughj the eyes of my grandfather judge msyelf as weak because i ran away home and wanted to commit suicide

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as the weakest of the weakest because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as a weak and a coward

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf through the eyes of my cousins as a faillure and a coward

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i failed

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to give up on msyelf because i perceived i had failed in the eyes of the people in my world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel consumed by this sense of having failed entirely and feel disappointed with msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel disappointed in msyefl because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf, which i judged as a sign of weakness throughthe eyes of others

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to feel ashamed about msyelf because i ran away home and wanted to commit suicide

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel dead ashamed for what i did or what i wanted to do to msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to throw myself away

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to through the eyes of the men of my faimily judge msyelf as weak and a coward because of wht i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as the lowest of the lowest because of what i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to despise msyelf and hate msyelf because i ran away home

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to through my fathers eyes despise msyelf because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyuelf to through the eyes of anthony judge msyelf as weak because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to through Freeks eyes judge msyelf as weak and a coward because i ran away home and wanted to kill msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as infinitely weak

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as eternally weak because i ran away home and wanted to end my life

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear being confronted with my family after i ran away, because i feared their judgement - my own judgementhat i was infinitely weak

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as weak because i was in a psychiatric hospital for nine moths

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as infinitely weak because i couldnt deal with my life

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to want to be seen as strong and courageous by the people in my world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to through others perceptions of me want to expereince msyelf as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyefl to through maite's eyes want to see msyelf as strong and courageous

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to through leilas eyes want to be able to define msyelf as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to separate msyelf from strength and define strenth as a perception - as how people perceive me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define courage as a perception, as how my sisters see me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define strength as hwo i see msyelf through maite's eyes

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to need my mom to see me as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to need my father to see me as strong and courageous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to through my fathers eyes see msyelf as strong - in separation with me

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to defien strength as how my mother sees me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien stren,gth as how liesbeth sees me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyefl to define courage as how liesbeth sees me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define strenth and courage through the eyes of my surroundings, my world

i forgive msyelmf that I have allowed msyelf to not see that courage is HERE

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyefl to see that strength exists HERE - as who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyefl to realize strength is here as who i am as the strength of life as life in me

i forgive msyelf that i havent allowed msyelf to live msyelf as strength of life as life in me

i forgive msyelf that I have not allwoed msyelf to recognize strength is actually who i am

i forgive msyelf that I ahve not allowed msyelf to realize me as all as equall as one as me as strength

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to live msyelf as all as equal as one as me as strength

i forgive msyelf that i have not allowed msyelf to live msyefl as all as equal as one as me as courage as the courage to live me

8

2008-07-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see myself as helpless when i dont undesrtand somehting immediately

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to expereince anxiety when not understanding something right away

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i dont undesrtand somehting and then become all nervous

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to panic when not undesraynding soemthing, especially when i see others do undesrand it

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become anry when, i dont undserand something, why something just happended

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become angry when i dont undersatnd why something is happening to me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become irritated with msyelf when i dont seem to understand something

i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear others have a faster understanding than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel inferior when thinking another has a faster undserstanding than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define msyelf as having a fast understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to another when understanding something faster than them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to my father because i undertsand stuff he doesnt

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to my mom because i undsertand stuff she doesnt

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to people because i undseratnd philosophy and they often dont

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to my family because i think i understand a wholme lot more than them, because for instance i read a lot philosophy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to people at work, because i think/believe i have so much undseranding wcich they apperently have not - and thus when speaking, i speak from superiority and not onnes and equality

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to my grandfather because i belive i undserstand everything much better than him, because i supposedly have a deeper understanding of things

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to the people in my class when i would understand something and they wouldnt

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to other people at universsity because they couldnt understand philosophy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to my father because i think he is dumb

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge both my parents as dumb and with no understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to credit myself for my understanding and feel superior towards other people who dont seem to have this undesratnding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to glorify myself becaus i think i undesratnd so much

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel threatened by matti because i perceived he undesrtood more than i did

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel threatened by bram because i perceived he understood more than i did

i forgive msyelf that i have allowe msyelf to feel inferior to weyember because i perceived he had vast amounts of knowlegde and understood more than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel threatened by tala because i perceived he understood more than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel threatened by chris because i perceived he understood more than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel threatened by somone when they point out to me i didnt understand something

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to find it intolerable when someone has to point out that i dont understand something

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to become angry within when somebody claims i didnt understand or see soemthing, or missed a point

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see understanding as everything

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to place my faith in understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to place my trust in undesrdtanding

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel bad when im the last one to understand something

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel lost when im the last one to understand something - to then feel inferior and less than

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelfto see understanding as an indication of superiority

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to within my mind claim superiority through my understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to beat msyelf up when not understanding soemthing right away

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to want to understand most of all the people, to have the most advanced and fastest understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see msyelf as having the fastest understanding of all - so that i can feel good about msyelf within my mind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to develop an enormous understanding of this reality - so that people would value me and rely on me for guidance

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to equate understanding with leadership and power

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that if i have a fast understanding and broad and insightfull knowledge i should be a leading figure in the world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to admire politicians for their understanding - and equate this understanding with their apparent power

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see understanding as power

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to thinbk if i have the most understanding ill have the most power

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to assume politicians actually have any understanding at all

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think that to gain positions of power and become powerfuill in this world one must have undesrtanding to be able to provide guidance to others

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to to want to blast peopel with my philosophical understanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to blast people who read my stories because i percieve i place much understanding in it

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to value knowledge based undesratnding more than anything and to have nothing else in my life

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to think i am 'my life ' and that m'y life ' defines me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to equate undesrtanding with power because i have seen this in school where teachers have power because of their superior undesrtanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think and perceive teachers have a superior understanding

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel infinitely inferior to teachers because they apperently have such a superior undesrtanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel infinitely inferior to my father because of his undesrtanding

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyel to feel inferior to teachers because they have more knowledge than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel inferior to university professors because i perceived they had such a deep undesrtanding of life and existence

being 'nice'

2008-07-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

i forgive msyelf that iu have allowed msyef to use others in being nice to them so that they will help me achieve my selfish goals in life

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be a hypocrite

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to people when asking them to do soemthing for me - as a deceptive presentation of myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think there actually exist human biengs that are nice and kind and not act out of self-interest

i forgive msyelkf that I have allowed msyelf to think I am nice and kind and seldom act out of selfinterest

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to my mom so she willcontinue to take care of me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to my father so he will continue having me in his house and support me financially

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to people at work so i create an image of msyelf and they will not fire me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to play an act of inferiority towards another by being nice - so the other feels powerfull and will indulge in my wishes because i boosted their ego

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to caress leila so she will give me the ashtray because i was too lazy to take it myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to play an inferiority act to wards my father so he will indulge in my requests and wishes - because i make him feel powerfull

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to deceive others for my personal gain

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to in full awareness manipulate another for my personal gain

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to people because i need something from them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think "ooh people are so nice and helpfull to eachother"

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not see this, because i do this all the time

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel used and set aside when leila asked me for the ashtrey when actually she was reflecting me back to myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to my father so i can keep on living in his house

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to my mother so i can keep on eating her food

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to my boss at work so he wont fire me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to people at work because i think at some point i might need them and then they will have the power to refuse me this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear at some point i might not get what i want

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to my boss so he wil give me free days when tala is here

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to allways be nice to poeple in thier face but aftrewards think shit of them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to use powertactics to maniulate people in granting me what i need/want

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to give my boss the impression that im comfortable around him and that i like him, so he will grant me some days off when tala is here

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to teachers at school so they will let me pass

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be super-nice to teachers at school so they will not let me double my year

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to teachers because they have the power to give me bad grades

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to the police because they have guns and im affraid of them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel powerfull when i talked to a policeman because now i have a bond with him

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to people out of survival, because i want things done from them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to my father so he wont become angry with me and ask me serious questions wbout what the hell im doing

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to people so that no one will suspect i am actually selfish

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to actout of consideration for the little mind-me alone - the i need to survive-me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to act nice and friendsly towards my friends because in the future i might need them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice and friendly towards my family because i think i might one day need them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice and friendly to my neighbours because one day i might need soemthing from them and they might refuse this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to beings so they wont refuse me anything when i ask them something

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be polite to beings so they will give me what i want

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be polite to my father so he will not be bothered by my presence in the house - and so i can keep living there

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to speak nice, look nice, smile nice and laugh nice, so that no one will never refuse me something - except if they really cant

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be very nice to my mom so she will continue preparing my food because i like it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be friendly towards my parents so that they would continue keeping me with them in the house and live with them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to my father and allways give him his way, so that one day he will have to go along with my wishes aswell

i forgive mlsyelf to allways say thank you aftyer someone did something for me , because i say this so that in the future they will help me again

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to my friends so they will help me survive

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to my parents so they will help me survive

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be nice to people at work so they will help me survive

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be nice to teachers so they will help me survive

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to only be nice to the people i fear and who have power, because they will help me survive

fear of losing controll

2008-07-18T02:28:00.000-07:00

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel entirely heavy within

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to feel this is difficult

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to lose patience

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i must do something quick to relieve me from anxiety

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myslef to expereince anxiety before going to work

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear what might happen at work

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future, because tala is comming and father will be home and also a friend invited me for a party

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel helpless within this anxiety

i refuse

i am not this anxiety

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expereince anxiety before going somewhere were i have to meet people

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear wht might happen when i interact with people - that i will be scared and feel insecure

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear insecurities

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to exist in fear of all that can possily happen

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fea there will arise conflict when tala is here and it will be horrible

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future will be horrible

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expect the worst

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel inferior to this fear

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think anxiety prepares me and thus helps me in dealing with life and the unknownw

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the unknown because i fear i will not be in controll of the situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear losing controll of the situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will be submerged by horrible expereinces i wont be able to direct

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i cannot direct msyelf at a point in the future

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will not be able to handle future situations

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will be hijacked by events and i will lose all self-direction

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear being overwhelmed whithin situations and expereinces and i wont be able to direct msyelf, but instead become a slave to the situation

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future as fear of being controlled because of the inability to direct myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyef to think i can controll the future

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to have a HOLD onto the future, by limitting my activities as much as possible to avoid unexpetced events and expereinces

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear bein controlled and directed by my mind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear being controlled by fear

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear i will die if i cannot direct msyelf if i have no controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that losing controll = death

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear death and believe death means i lose msyelf - instead of seeing: everything is me and there is nothing seperate or more or outside everything - i remain

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be tired of holding onto controll

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i MUST hold on to my illusion of controll so i wont expereince extensive amounts of fear

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe my illusion of controll protecs me from my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I can hide from my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to have it all laid out, so that i can remain within the illusion of controll

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to see that there is and never has been any REAL controll

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to need a perception of the future where i know i will be fine all the time and in this scenario avoid being confronted with my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to expereince the future as something REAL which actually exists and that i have to take into serious account

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed me to see that the idea and perception of the future is nothing but a postponement of all my fears

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to realize and see that in having this perception of the future i actually avoid dealing with the fears - because they are all HERE

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to ponder the future from a perspective of survival

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to worry about my survival

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear at acertain point i might become controlled by events and die

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define freedom as the mind with thoughts and feelings and emotions and memories and that if i die i will 'lose this freedom-expereince' which is actually an illusion

self-disappointment II - SURPRISE

2008-07-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

so marlen made this comment on previous post:

"reading here I see that I also was at sometimes experiencing something similar. Let's say that disappointment comes from having certain expectations of wanting to fulfill a desired outcome. Fear of failure, fear of 'not making it' but also the embarrassment that this could create.. well of course I don't understand dutch maybe you dug there, but see what we fear losing is ourselves as the 'ideal' self, the person we wanted to 'become' while achieving a desired outcome. thanks for sha ring"

the ideal self...

im gonna throw some words in here:

flawless

perfect

popular

trustable

someone who inspires confidence

giving the impression that i know what im doing at all times

(deedra said once "fake it till you make it" )--> well, that kinda puts things in the right perspective

i am in control of the situation

like the perfect male, lol

ok im gonna check jack sf on male ego -- brb

or no wait, let me first add this: projecting an image of self-confidence, at ALL TIMES - not showing fear or doubt

ok brb

yep -- http://desteni.co.za/Osho/veno24.htm -- check this out, last paragraphes

riiiiiight

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to want to show to the world that I have confidence at all times, that I am in controll of situations by directing them to have them go my way

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien confidence as the ego of the mind - so that everyone will believe -including msyelf- that i never fear or doubt

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to think i must at all times show self-confidence as an act, by presenting msyelf as full of confidence by allways having the deepest opinion, the last word

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to present msyelf as an image of confidence to hide msyelf behind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as the image others believe me to be

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as allways being in controll of situations to allways want others to follow my idea, because i am a man and i know best

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not want to do this sf and give in to the ressistance i feel because i fear losing this definition

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i must becoma a real man and to become a real man i must show strength confidence and fearlessness, never show any fear or insecurity

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to hide my insecurities behind an image of self-confidence

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think I AM this image of self-confidence - its an illusion and a dream

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think self confidence is managing to let others follow my lead

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self confidence a manipulating a situations so that everyone follows my lead or my idea

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want everyone to agree with my perception of things, because i am a man and i know a lot

i forgive msyelf to define confidence as maite and leila following my example - because this means i know what i am doing

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to need others to follow my example so that I would feel i take the lead and thus i have confidence

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf with regards to this, because i could not keep up with this illusion-presentation of msyelf, people saw me fall of my bike for instance

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to present an image of muself as fearless and full of confidence so that people would not dare to attack me in any way

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in myself because I was dead scared because i was chased by guys in a car, and i 'ran for my life' - which is a disgrace to my ego-definition

i forgive myself that I have alowed msyelf to project an armour of confidence and allknowingness of msyelf - so that people would respect me and have trust in me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf because this car came driving by me as i was running my ass of and i judged msyelf as a chicken

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to exart my anger towards Kenny - to infront of his friend prove msyelf and show him he cannot mess with me, by pushing him againts a wal brutally and unexpectedly

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to provoce kenny and teach him a lesson, because he called me a girl when i was walking the streets

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel bruised in my ego because he called me a girl on the streets everytime he saw me and i didnt dare to say anything back, because i was affraid to receive a beating from him or his many friends

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define self-confidence as walking in the city with a 'beautifull girl' by my side, so that all the men may feel less than me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as being seen with a 'beutifull girl' by my side so that all the men may feel less than me and inferior to me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien confidence as having agril by my side and walking the streets with her, and being noticed by many men

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define confidence as L asking me to take her hand so the guys would not bother her as we entered a street late at night

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define confidence as H putting her arm in mine while we walk the campus of university, so that all the men that see us would feel inferior and less than me

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to define confidence as wearing a t shirt loosely without putting it under the belt of my pants (hemd in broek steken)

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define confidence as having long hair as a man and a beard too

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyemlf to defien confidence as wearing my trousers a bit lower than normal trousers, like skaters

i forgive ùmsyelf that i have allowed msyelf to defien confidence as ok i continue in dutch...

self-disappointment

2008-07-17T02:37:00.000-07:00

interesting, as i progress in this sf i saw this: the disappointment is allways related to screwing up somthing or losing a game or falling on the floor by accident, (this are just examples) and being SEEN by other people while this happens. So, disappointment is related to seeing myself through the eyes of others - this being my self-image - and then something happens which is a disgrace o this self-image, which can only happen when others saw it happen, or when there are witnesses through who's eyes i judge msyelf

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf because i write in bad spelling often

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to be diesappointed in myself because when writing a paper for philosophy the professor said I make too many spelling errors

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to be disappointed in msyelf because i didnt succeed at something

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to fear i will be diappointed in msyelf if i would have to die and reincarnate in a next life to start everything all over again

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be disappointed in msyelf ...

ok i continue in dutch

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgetseld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik de laaste ben in lopen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn omdat way mij altijd als eerste beet toen we vampier speelden en dan was ik al helemaal uitgeput voor de rest van de speeltijd

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik zo snel moe werd met lopen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik trager was dan de rest met lopen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik pijn/steken kreeg in mijn zij van lang te lopen, waardoor ik veel trager moest lopen als de rest

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mijzlef omdat mijn ketting van mijn fiest gevallen was toen ik was gaan fietsen met mark en eliza in de ardennen met hun vrienden - waardoor ik helemaal achterop geraakt was en de anderen bijna uit het zicht aan het verdwijnen waren

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat de pannekoeken mislukt waren terwijl ik aan maite beloofd had dat het in orde zou komen met het deeg

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat niemand mijn tekeningen nog bijzonder vond

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaetn bnag te zijn om nog te tekenen omdat ik bang ben om opnieuw teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik niet even goed kon eteken even nauwkeurig als Bart van portaalschool

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezlef hbe toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik niet even goed en nauwkeurig kon tekenen als lander van portaalschool

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezlef hbe toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat Gerry zei dat ik moest stoppen met mijn veer (gom) te gebruiken omdat ik mijn tekening aan het verpesten was

ik vergeef mùezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik van de brug gevallen was

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik met mijn voet in het net van de brug was blijven haken waardoor ik op mijn rug gevallen was op de grond

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezlef omdat ik katrijn heb laten zitten in kortenberg en gewoon ben weggegaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezlef omdat ik niet tegen papa dierf te spreken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat yelle mijn verhaal slecht vond en het niet eens gans had gelezen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat segers mijn verhaal slecht vond en alleen maar het begin had gelezen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat papa niet echt enthousiast meer was over wat ik deed en mijn tekeningen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat papa mijn rapport niet eens wou zien toen ik in het derde zat

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat een kerel al een boek gepubliceerd had een roman, en hij was even oud als mij en ik dacht dat ik nog niet zo goed als hem kon schrijven

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten van mijzelf te verwachten om in twee/drie maanden tijd een roman te schrijven en dan teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik vast zat en niet meer wist wat schrijven en ik zat nog niet eens in de helft

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat celine mijn verhaal van de koningen niet zo goed geschreven vond

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaetn te denken dat ik "goed" moet schrijven

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten mijzelf te beoordelen en over mij te oordelen door de ogen van anderen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat nico zei dat ik een parasiet was van de maatschappij omdat ik hem niet wilde helpen met een studiekring

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik niet zo goed en geweldig op de jembé kon spelen bij het kampvuur als ik dacht

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn toen ik met helene danste omdat ik niet zo goed of leuk kon dansen als ik dacht

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat een leerkracht zegt dat ik dit of dat eens moet proberen met mijn tekening

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat op de portaalschool de leerkracht mij geen speciaal compliment gaf voor mijn tekening

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezlef heb toegealetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezlef omdat niemand mij aandacht gaf omwille van mijn tekening, of ik dacht dat ik niet opgemerkt werd

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten te tekenen om aandacht te krijgen van anderen en opgemerkt te worden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgestedl te zijn in mezelf omdat ik op de grond was gevallen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb teoegaletn teleurgestedl te zijn in mezelf omdat ik van mijn fiest gevallen was voor mijn vrienden

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf wanneer ik struikel en iemand heeft mij gezien

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat iedereen mij gezien had toen ik dronken de jeugdherberg binnenkwam en ik moest direct overgeven

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat tina mij geizen had en mij uitlachte toen ik uitgegleden en gevallen was bij de voetball

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaetn telmeurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat mijn ketting van mijn fiets gevallen was en ik hem er niet terug op kreeg en anderen konden mij zien

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik omvergereden was door een tram en iedereen had mij zien botsen en vallen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik bijna mijn evenwicht verloor op de fiets van het postkantoor en mensen die ik kende hadden mij gezien en herkend

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaetn telzurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat papa mij zag roken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgested te zijn in mezlef omdat mama mijn sigaretten gevonden had tussen mijn sokken

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat de buren mij konden zien roken dorr het venster

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegaletn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezlef omdat ik met een meisje gekust had en haar borst had vastgegrepen toen ik dronken was en beki en anderen hadden mij gezien

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegfelaetn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik samen met natalie appelmans was in kortenberg en ik vond haar lelijk en idereen wist dat we samen waren

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik geizen werd door mensen in leuven tezamen met Katrijn en katrijn was enorm verdikt en ik vond dat ze lelijk en afstotelijk was

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn te denken dat iemand die dik is, lelijk en afstotelijk is

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten te denken en oordelen dat katrijn afzichtelijk was en er belachelijk uitzag

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgested te zijn in mezelf omdat ik N haar borsten gelikt had en toen ik het Wim vertelde vond hij dat vies

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat maite en leila mij zagen tennis verliezen tegen papa

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten teleurgesteld te zijn in mezlef omdat Boris de broer van glen mij zag verliezen tegen glen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezlef heb toegaletn teleurgesteld te zijn in mezelf omdat ik basketball verloor tegen kamillo op school en iedereen kon mij zien

beauty system = ugly system

2008-07-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

this is a thread i will work on: beauty system

haha = it is a POLARITY

beautifull and ugly = simple

so sf on both these judgements on anything and everything

ME is all there is

2008-07-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

ok wanna share this

when walking home from work i was seeing this:

that because i was seeing msyelf as part of private forum i would apparently make my process in this life = thus basing this on belief

then many fears came up related to this

having to come back in a next life because i didnt transced my fears, having to live a whole life again and do everything all over again - this made me cry

the other day i said to Loyd: "no one can take you away from you" but lol i didnt realise this for mySELF

how can someone or something take me away from me - when me is all there is?

7

2008-07-16T03:07:00.000-07:00

ok yesterday i was downloading a vid but maite turned off the computer before it was done, because each user has their own session she had not seen it was processing on the other session

then i i finally am able to upload, but too long yoitube said

then i cut in Two, ok part one was up, now part two

what happens, Maite fokking comes by again, shuts down computer

i cannot deny i am very angry - yesterdya I was too and did sf and appenrtly coiught the point which seems to cause the anger

when i said to her i was processing and she shut comp down, she simpmly replied 'Oh, i didnt know'

in sf i bumped into "using ignorance as an excuse, so as to not take responsibility", and applied this to myself

now, second time, there is anger again..

now i just thought she was freaking STUPID - like how can she be so dumb as to make the same mistake twice? so shortly the one after the other?

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not learnn from my mistakes and when I see or realizae something not place this into immediate and consistent application

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to when sf not place msyelf in consistent application

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to timeloop over and over again because of this

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to timeloop endlessly because of plain stupîdity

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to rather be stupid than apply myself consistently and immediately without any compromise

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to within this process and self forgiveness fool around and sometimes "take a break"

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to be angry at msyelf and hate msyelf because of this

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to write sf from self hate and self anger

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to write from anger and frustration

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to get frustrated within this process with msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to immediately drop my realization because there still seems to be an easy way

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think consistent application is harder than taking a break

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to have a perception that i can take a break from who i am - VERY INTERESTING

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to fear applying msyelf consistently and constantly within every singel breath

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not see the obvious when its in my face

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to be so dumb as to not even see the obvious when it is screaming me in the face

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge msyelf as dumb and stupid because of this

i forgive msyelf to beat msyelf up in sf

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think "fok no i will NOT be gentle with myslef I desreve the HARD treatment"

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i dont deserve gentleness

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to rather be hard on msyelf than to even consider perhaps gentleness

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to allmost kick msyelf with sf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i shpould beat msyelf up because then i will have learned msy lesson, yeah

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to perceive that i can be only HARD with msyelf as if this is all I can EVER be

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to write from anger every time and not from self-love and compassion

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to treat msyelf like a piece of shit, worthless crap

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to be hard on msyelf because i think i deserve this

i forgive mlsyelf that I have allowed msyelf to punnish msyelf because i think that i will learn then, and call msyelf an idiot and stuff

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to play msyelf down

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to hate msyelf because of what i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to hate my own guts because of what i am

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed mseylf to hate my own guts because of all that i have done

i forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to hatev msyelf bnecause i never took responsibility for msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be furious at msyelf because i never took responsibility for msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyel to hate msyelf because i never stood up for msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate myself deeply and fiercly because i have never stood up for anything or anyone

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be furious at msyelf because i have nbever done anything to change msyelf

i forgive msyelf that i havev allowed msyelf to hate and resent who i am becvause i have not even tried to make a change

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear making achange and never do anything and use fear and ignorance as fokking excuses

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to hate msyelf because i didnt want to see and i necver asked a hard question, only easy ones

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to rather have it the easy way than to face msyelf immediately and eternally

i forgive msyelf that I have adopted the idea that when i do soemthing wrong i should punish msyezlf by beating msyelf up about it

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to belieev that beating msyelf up actually helps me in any way

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to believe that i wont make the same mistake twice if i beat msyelf up

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to beat msyelf up because i think that by doing so i wont make the same mistake twice

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear making the same mistake twice because then i will be seen as dumb and so its better to beat msyelf up

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to beat myself up at work when making a mistake, because i thin i ont do it again then

i forgive msyelf thgat I have allowed msyelf to be angry at maite because she expereinced no anger towards herslef when she had screwed up the download

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to use anger to direct me and let me be directed by anger

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed anger to direct me

i forgive msyel that I have allowed msyelf to lose myself within anger and let it become who i am

ok last cigarette, then work

security friendship - LIFEBOAT ?

2008-07-16T01:33:00.000-07:00

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think this world and existence is a dangerous thing

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i must be fearfull in oreder to be able to survide in the world

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to look for security and protection because of these perceptions

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to base my friendships on fear of death

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to base my friendships on separation, because i wanted security and protection, my apparent certainty for the future

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to let myself be manipulated by my parents because i believed i needed them as security and p^rotection in the world, because i fear the future and death

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to let me be manipulated because i fear the future and death

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear the future and death, because i fear i can lose who i am

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define security and protection as having many friends

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define security and protection as having many friends who like me very much and who'd be prepared to help me out in case of trouble

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear losing a friend because i then apprently lose a point of security and protection in my world

i forgiove msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tyo want to keep in touch with all my friends because i perceive them to be my security and protection for the future

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to separate me from security

i forgive me that i have allowed me to separate me from protection

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to take security and protection for granted in my world

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to take these for granted not realising that in separation i can lose them - but not really, because they are me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not realize security is me

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf top realise protection is me

i forgive msyelf that I have not allowed msyelf to recognize security and protection as msyelf as who I am

I accept security and protection as msyelf as who i am - I have allways been HERE

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define security and protection as having many friends with big houses

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define security and protection as having friends with a place to stay

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf tod efien security and protection as having people I can rely on in case there would occur drastic changes in my life

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to never undertake anything, because i fear losing my security and protection

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to let msyelf be controlled by the perception of security and protection as i have defined them seperate from me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efien security as having an income because i have a job

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to not realize that this is a joke

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define security and protection as being friends with b

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to defien security and protection as being frineds with rb

I forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define security and protection as being friends with liesbeth

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to define security as being frinds with rob

i frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien security and protectipon as being frinds with bram

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to defien security and protection as being frinds with many girls who like me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tod efien security and protection as being frinds with thomas

i forgive mlsyefl that I have allowed msyelf tod efien security and comfort as being friends with Helene

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define security and comfort as living with my parents

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to defien security and comfort as having friends with much money

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyuelf tod efoie security and comfort as having a large family with people who all have jobs so that i will allways be "fine"

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see my larger family as my support foundation in the world - the people who I can and must count on

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fer letting go of certain people because i percieve this world is unsafe and i can die if i have no frinds

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to make sure that at all times I have a certain amount of friends and use every opportunity to enlarge my group of aquaintances

i forgive myself that I have allowe msyelf to think that having frinds is a sign of security and comfort

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think that having many friends means now i am safe

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to want to have as many friends as possible because then i dont have to worry to a certain extent anymore

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to make people dependent on me so they would equally need me as I need them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to make everyone believe they need me so they will keep me as a friend

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to actually believe friendship is the most important thing in life

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to voice that friends are the most important thing in life - because a lover is dispensable but freinds not and you need them to survive

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to define living as survival

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to strategically choose and keep my friends for the future, people who will be usefull so that I cvan survive and so that I will be succesfull

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear being direct to a friend because of all the mess that is involved

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyefm to talk crap and bullshit to friends because i fear losing them and so i play along

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think friendship is beautifull and nessecary and great and everyone has friends and if u have none then u are doomed

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think that if i have no friends i am doomed

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to believe that no friends = bveing doomed and fucked forever

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyel to think that no friends = death

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think no friends = fear and no security

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to have an agenda with beings because of how fokked i am

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to manipultae beings and situation sso that all would nicely fit in my future plan

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to allways want to make up to my friends in moments of apparent crisis, because i fear losing them and i would anything to keep them

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be so fearfull that i cannot imagine living alone no frinds

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to imagine myself future outcomes of my life considering this state of affairs with the friends i have currently

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to regularly give my frinds a phonecall so we can talk and strengthen the bond

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to bind myself to friends

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to defien this bondage as security and protection

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear what people may think of me because of what i write

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyemf to even consider what anyone in the world may possibly think - i ignore the mind

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to send my blog around to people in the hope they will undestand and possibly eventually even agree and so i can keep my friends

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to...

ok done for now

6

2008-07-14T01:35:00.000-07:00

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mzelf heb toegelaten mijzlef te willen beheersen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf he toegealetn te denken dat ik mijzelf altijd moet beheersen

i vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegealetn mijzelf te willen beheersen wanneer iemand iets intiems verteld -) wanneer ze zich kwetsbaar opstellen- dan wordt ik bang

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten te denken dat ik niet mag tonen wat er in mij omgaat

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegealetn mijzelf te bescheremn voor anderen en te denken dat ik mij moet bescheremn door mijn kwestbaarheid te verbergen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezlef heb toegelaetn mijn kwetsbaarheid te verbergen omdat ik denk dat ik mij moet beheersen en moet overkomen alsof ik mijzlef altijd onder controle heb

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegelaten te denken dat als ik mijn kwetsbaarheid toon, dan wordt ik gepakt en pijn gedaan

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten niet te willen tonen wat ik voel

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegekaten te denken dat ik mijn emoties altijd moet beheersen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf hbe toegeklaten te denken dat ik mijn liefde moet beheersen - omdat ik dan pijn gedaan kan worden

ik vergeef mezlef dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn om affectie te tonen aan een andere jongen

ik vergeef mezlef dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten bang te zijn om affectie te tonen aan een kind

ik vergeef mezelf dat

pffffffffff - no idea where this is going

basically time-loop

male ego hiding vulnerability - big news

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear if i reveal myself as vulnerable and affective i will be rejected and this is intolerable

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think if i reveal msyelf i will be rejected

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to judge my own love as ridiculous and pathetic

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to judge my own sexuality as ridiculous and pathetic

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to judge my own interestedness as ridiculous and pathetic

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to fear being rejected if i open msyelf and if i am vulnerable towards someone

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to allways present an imga and impressing of controlled-ness - i am HARD and i dont feel

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to copy my father his behaviour, because i wanted to be like him and he never showed affection or sexuality and he never cried

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to be like him and see him as my ultimate example of how a man should be

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to blindly copy these applications from my father

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i cannot show sexuality or affection or real love

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear if i touch someone they will reject me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that if i touch a girl she will reject me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear if i toluch and caress someone they will reject me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think thgat caressing and touching and kissing is ridiculous and pathetic

i forgive msyelf taht i have allowed msyelf to fear to caress or kiss or hug or touch someone out of fear they will reject me

suicide stuff

2008-07-12T00:09:00.000-07:00

yesterday when being in the station i had to go to the toilet and it was the same toilet i had been when i had done the suicide attempt. i went numb for a while when openeing the door. i felt heavy in my feet

i forgivevmsyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i dont know whats going on

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to supress this

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoe msyelf to lose courage because of this

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to rather feel sad than understand what i expêreince really

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think all is over

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that my life was actually over when i returned to school

i forgive msyelf that I have alowed msyelf to regret that day i ran away

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel as if everything is gone and dead

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think this is the way out

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to desperately look for a way out

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel heavy

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to fear dying

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msylef to never want to die

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to seek comfort in the idea of death

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to consider self destrucion

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to destroy myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to rather want to destroy myself than stand up in this world for me

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to rather destroy myself than to stand up and give msyelf a chance

i forgive msyelmf that i have allowed msyelf to think self destruction is even an option

i forgive msyelf thgat i have allowed msyelf to justify self destruction through the example of others

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to justify self destruction through the example of kurt cobain

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to hold self destruction as my last card

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to want to throw away this opportunity this life to stand up and rather kill myself

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think destroying msyelf is easier than to stand up

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think its ok if i destroy msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to justify myselkf and give msyelf excuses why its ok to throw away this life this body where i breathe

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can escape msyelf through destroying my body - which is pure disgrace

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think my body doesnt matter really

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think my body is unimportant

i forgive msyef that i have not allowed msyelf to be grateful for my body and love it as myself

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i can just toss my body like that

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to wan, tto take revenge on my body which is innocent

self-love

2008-07-10T23:34:00.000-07:00

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyefl to attach special value to any knowledge

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define having knowledge as something great

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyefl to think that because i have knowledge about something I am more than another

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to people I think have less knowlegde than me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to feel inferior to people I think/believe have more knowledge than me

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to feel superior to K. because i think believe i have more knowledge than her, that i know more than her

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed mseyfl to to feel inferior to a doctor because çi thgink they know more than me or have more knowledge than me

I forgive msyefl that I have allowed msyelf to feel ionferior to a spychiatrist because i think they have more knowledge than me they knwo more than me

I frogive msyefl that i have allowed msyefl to think i am infinitely inferior to Rudy because he seems to know so much

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel inferior to B. because he seems to knwo so much more than me

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed smeyfl to attach power to knowledge

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define powerfullness as having much knowledge

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define powerfullness as having much knowledge about philosophy

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to tdefine powerfullness as having much knowledeg about books i read

I frogive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to want to feel powerfull through 'superior knowledge'

I frogive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to define power as having a lot of knwoledge - more knowledge than another

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to want to be powerfull throiugh attaining high levels of knowledge

I frogive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to become inferior to knwoledge

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to project an image of msyelf in the furure where i will have become powerfull through my all-knowingness

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define knowledge as having an advantage over others

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to accumulate as much knowledge as possible to built myself as the image of myself as a powerfull person

I frogive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think power exists in knowledge

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think power exiusst seperate from me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see myself as moving along in the furure and seeing this as a process of endless knowledge-accumulation

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think i can expand msyelf through knowledge

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien expansion as gaing more knowledge about something

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to define expansion as going to study philosophy which is just learning more information and knowledge

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myselmf to seek power and expansion in the gaining of knowledge

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to defien growth as gaining more knowledge

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to see myself as superior and believe i am superior to children because i know more than them, because i think i have more knowledge

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel inferior to adults because of all the knowledge they seem to have

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think i am inferior than an adult bezcause in comparison to them i dont seem to know anything great or profound

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to define poeple as different according to their different sets of knowledge

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed mseylf to define people and judge people according to their amount and pêrceived level of knowledge

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think that without klnowledge i will not be seen as acceptable in this world - thereoµfore i must have as much knowledge as possible to bevcome respected and accepted

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed mseyfl to feel superior to people because i wrote a thesis about the illuminati while at university

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior to people because i think i was able to undesrttand difficult texts in german and french

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to feel superior than another because I read descartes in fren,ch and i see this as an accomplishment

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to see this as an accomplishment because others are not able to do this

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed smeyfl tow ant to accomplish what no one else can

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to thionk that if i can accomplish what no one else could then I am worthy of myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that if i accomplish soething what others cannot - because of lack of skill - only then i will beable to love msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf if i am better than all the rest

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf if I have accomplished what no one else could

I forgive msyefl that I have allowed mseylf to put conditions on love

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to not grant myself my self-love

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed mseylf to deny myself my self-love

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i must do something to be worthy of my own love, to desreve it

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf if I made something great

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed smeyld to think I can only love msyelf if I make a drawing no one else could ever make

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf if i write a novel at the age of 18 or 19 or 20, because this si so uncommon for a person of my age

i forgive msyefl that I have allowed msyelf to try to undesratnd msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to try to figure msyelf out

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to hold knowledge higher than life

i forgive smyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to hold knowledge higher than msyelf

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i canonly love msyelf if i succeed at something

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love myself if and when i portal

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf if i have a university degree

Iforgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love mseyfl if I have written abook

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i will be able to give mysel some love when and if i have acomplished the impossible

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to think i can only love msyelf when i am the best

i forgive smyelf that Ihave allowed smeyfl to think i can only love smeyfl when i draw better than the othger kids at school

i forgive smyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf when somebody likes me most

I forgive smeyfl that I have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf when people hold me the highest

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf when my family holds me the highest

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love smeylf if maite and liela hold me the highest

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that i can only love mseyfl if my mother holds me higher than my father

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love mseyfl if my mother holds me higher than maite or leila

i forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed msyelf to think i can only love myself if my father holds me the highest

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love mseyfl if my father loves me most

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think i can only love mseyfl if i have good degrees at school - the highest degrees

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf when iwrite betterthan all the rest

i frogive msyelf that I have allwoed mseyfl to think i can only love mmyself when i am famous

i forgive msyefl that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love msyefl if i have become a famous writer

i forgive smyefl that I have allwoed smeydl to think i can only love msyefl when i am a famous artist

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed smeyfl to think i can only love msyelf when i finnish this process 'amazingly quick'

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love msyefl to think i can only love smeyfl if I am the first in sports

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love msyefl when i win a chess game

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf when i win a magic card game

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf if i win a competition and i am the first

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love msyefl if i beat someone who is proclamied as really good, like that day at school I beat everyone at chess

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf if i draw better then everyone esle at st lukas

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelfto think I can only love msyelf if i have morez and more profound knowledge than anyone else

i forgive msyefl that I ahve allwoed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf if i make a piece of art

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love mseyfl if i can provide for another

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to think i can onbly love msyelf if i earn money

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love smeyfl if i do something amazing

i frogive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to only love msyelf for what i do

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to only love msyefl when i have fullfilled certain conditions

i forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyelf to think i can only love msyefl at some point in the future because of some amazing accomplishment

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed mseylf to not write me here from breath

i forgive msyelf that i have allwoed msyelf to get irritated over typo's and want to attach meaning to them

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allwoed msyelf to be scared of typo's

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think i can only love msyelf if i write without making any mistakes

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed msyef to only love msyelf when I make no mistakes

i forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to only love smeyfl when i have done something right

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to be inferior to right and wrong

i forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyefl to submit to right and wrong

comprehensible

2008-07-09T07:06:00.000-07:00

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to be bored

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed myself to be bored and then wahting to eat candy or smoke to relieve this boredom

I forgive msyefl that I ahve allowed myself to think I must do womthing in the world to relieve myself from boredom

i forgive msyef that I have allowed msyelf to think I must avoid being bored and fear I might get bored at some point in the future

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed mseyfl to want to write sf just to DO something to not be bored

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that when i do nothing in the world this will inevitably end up with me being bored

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyefl to feel constrained within myself as if i must do something to expand myself for a moment

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyelf to want to expand msyelf in doing stuff

I frogive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf tow ant to forget msyelf in doing stuff

I frogive msyelf that i have allwoed smeylt o to not want to be with me

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think that what I am here is horrible and unbearable

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be unsatisfied about me

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be unsatisfied within this moment

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed mseyfl to panic anf think breathing is not enough

I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to think breathing is not enough, that i must be more do more accomplish something

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyefl to have no attention for me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to hate me here

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed smeyflt o resent me here

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed smeyflt o be inmpatient

I forgive mseyfl that i have allowed smeyflt o think: i want change now now now

I forgive msyefl that I have allowed msyelf to think this sucks

I forgive msyefl that I have allwoed smeyflt o think that the expereince of me sucks

i forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyeflt o think I suck

I forgive msyefl thgat I have allowed msyelf to want to entertain msyelf

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed smeyflt o wan to be entertained

I forgive msyefl that I have allowed msyelft o need entertainment to occupy myself

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to be addicted to entertainment

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed smeyflt o whenever I feel bored immediately and anxiously look for a means to occupy myself

I forgive msyefl that I have allowed smeyflt o think this is boring

I forgive msyefl that i have allowed mseyfl to think i want to smoke and if i smoke i will be ok again

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed mseyflt o think I want to watch television and if i watch tv i will be ok again

I forgive msyefl that i have allowed mseyfl to think i ant to eat something and think that if i eat soemthing i will be ok again

IO forgive msyelf that I have allowed mseyflt ow ant to visit desteni website and think that if i do this ill be ok again and forget about the anxiety

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed smeyflt o expereince anxiety

I frogive msyelf that i have allowed mseyfl to want to be relieved from myself from the burden that is me

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to expereince this moment here as being aburden towards myself

I forgive mseyfl that i have allowed msyeflt o think that getting out of bed is a burden

I frogive mseyfl taht i have allowed msyelf to think that getting up the stairs is a burden

I forgive mseyfl that I have allowed smeyfl to think that moving myself phisicaly is a burden

I forgive smeyfl that I have allowed smeyflt o think life is a burden

I forgive msyefl that I have allowed msyelf to think beaing awake is aburden, and rather be asleep

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed smeyflt o think breathing is a burden

I forgive msyefl that I have allowed smeyflt os ee sf as being aburden

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed smeyflt o think typing is a burden

I forgiv esmyelf that I have allowed msyelf to think that travelling is a burden

I forgive smyefltaht I have allowed myself to thinbk talking to someone is a burden

I forgive smyelf that I have allowed smeyflt o think that inviting someone over is a burden

I forgive mseyfl that I have allowed smeyflt o expereicne my body as a fokking burden and incarnated misery

I forgive msyefl that I have allowed msyefl to think my body is incarneted misery

I forgive msyelf that I have allwoed smeydflt o want to give up and think fok this

I am here

I am not boredom

I forgivbevmsyelf that i ahve allwoed msyefl to want someone to take this burden over from me

I frogive msyelf that I have allowed smeyflt o think i am heaviness and a burden to myself which consumes me

I forgive mseyfl that I have allowed mseyfl to be sad to feel sad

I frogive msyefl that i ahve allowed mseyfl to not want to be here

I frogive mseyfl that I have allowed msyelf to think fun is somewhere out there

I forgive smeyfl that i have allowed smeyflt o think i can,not make fun with and as myself

I forgive msyelf that i have not allowed smeyflt o realize that fun is who i am -

I frogive msyelf that i have allowed mseyfl to want to make fun and in this separate me from me from fun

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to think i cannot have fuin excpet with someone or something seperate from me

I frogive mseylf that i have allowed msyelft o feel infereior to people having fun

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed smeyf to think i am less than funn

no flow

there is a fly flying around me all day

i stopped typing and it came checking on al my fingers

i consider deleting this, bu then again

still shit shit

i forgive myselfd to feel shit

i forgive myself thatr i want to feel shit as excuse

i forgive that i have allowed to feel like shit because i think it is not working atm

i forgive me trhat i want to go goe go

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to wanna feel bad and sad so i can have selfpity

i forgive myself that i havecallowed myself to feel i must type type type

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear being nonsensical

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to judge myselfd as nonsensical and dumb

i foirgive myself that i hav allowed msyelf to think that who i am makes no sense

I forgive msyefl that i have allowed smeyflt think i am absurd

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed smeyflt o fear real absurdity

I forgivev msyelf that i have allowed smeydlt o think in must make sense to someone

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyelf to believe what i say must make sense to others

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyuelf to limit myself in thinking i must structure msyelf so as to apparently make sense to another

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed mseyfl tow ant to be comprehensible

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allwoed smeyfl to think that who i am musty be comprehensible to others

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think my mother must be able to undesrtand me

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed smeyflt o fear what i cannot undesratynd

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed smeyflt o want to be sociable and comprehensivble to wards others in my words

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed msyefl to thin my life msuet be comprehensible for my father

I forgive msyelf that i ahve allowed msyefl to think my life msuet be comprehensible for my enviromùent

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyeflt o think i must be comprehendable by society

I forgive msyelf that i ahev allowed mseylf to think what i do must be comprehensible for others such as my family

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed smeyfdlt o care about thsi and make big deal out of this

I forgive msyelf that I have allowed msyelf to want to be seen as very comprehensible

I forgivbe msyelf that I have allowed smeyflt o want to be perceived by others as very comprehensible

I forgive msyelf tht I have allowed mseyfl to think if another does not undesratnd me than there is something whrong with me

I forgive msyelf that i have allowed smeyflt o believe that if my parents dont comprehend me then there is something wrong with me

I forgive msyelf that I ahve allowed msyelf to think that if my grandfather doent undesrtand me than there is something wrong with me

cool

ill get back to this